How did you begin to drift and distance all your friends you miss? While once again you ball your fists. To punch a wall or saw your wrists. In darkness when you part your skin regardless of it harming kin. Or harness all your hearts contempt your scarred skin isn’t art its sick.
I get a buzz from a lesion or blood and achieve more than peace when I see what I’ve done. As the gaze of the average name it rage from a savage I’m labeled insane with no way to get past it.
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Hi Murphy!
The cadence here is excellent – my favorite aspect of this piece. I read this aloud, and the rhythm paired with the action you describe gives “Slice” a sharp quality. I have a small suggestion for the first line; do with it as you wish.
Consider changing “How did you begin to drift and distance all your friends you miss?” to
“How did you distance all the friends you miss and slowly, steadily, begin to drift?”
I suggest this edit simply to make the sentence structure smoother. Once again, this is an amazing piece, and I look forward to reading your future work!
– Jenaya
thank you…for both
thank you…for both
Again I say Whoa! I am really impressed with how you rhyme. At first read, I immediately picked up what you were laying down. I do believe that there is some things you can do to make it flow even more. I can’t really say specifics, but I do always say step away from your writing and then head back to it in a day or two. Read it aloud and if you are tripping over some words it is a sign that some changes need to be made. But other than that, I am still very impressed.
thank you Mikayla and Jenaya.