This was such an intriguing piece! I couldn’t stop reading. You obviously have a good grasp of the English language, and it was very easy and fun to read. If you want, I do have some suggestions to make this story even better:
This could have been such a suspenseful story, because towards the beginning and middle it almost seems like the narrator wants to ask this guy out. However, the title gave it away! So the whole time I knew there was going to be a murder. Also, I thought the narrator was a girl for some reason, up until Clyde says “hey man.” I would try and make it clear what gender the narrator is early on.
I never really felt grounded in the piece. We’re mostly stuck in the narrator’s head, and while we see actions, there are no descriptions. For example, what’s the coffee shop look like? Is it cramped, or spacious? Modern or homey? Also, you spend multiple sentences talking about his tattoo, but you never describe the tattoo!
I felt like the guy’s reaction to the narrator following him was a bit unrealistic. If I were him, maybe I’d be that casual before we left the coffee shop, but once the narrator started following me I would definitely not be that friendly.
Also, I’d suggest breaking up the sentences more. The large blocks of text make it hard to read. For example, any time Clyde says a new line of dialogue, you could make it a new paragraph.
This seems like the beginning of a story, but even so, honestly, I would change the dream aspect of it. In my experience, when readers go through something intense like a murder with a knife, only to find out it’s a dream, they feel duped, and a little betrayed by the narrator. I understand that you don’t want the narrator- who really is Clyde- to actually murder (himself?), but make it clear that it’s a fantasy at the beginning of the story.
This was such an intriguing piece! I couldn’t stop reading. You obviously have a good grasp of the English language, and it was very easy and fun to read. If you want, I do have some suggestions to make this story even better:
This could have been such a suspenseful story, because towards the beginning and middle it almost seems like the narrator wants to ask this guy out. However, the title gave it away! So the whole time I knew there was going to be a murder. Also, I thought the narrator was a girl for some reason, up until Clyde says “hey man.” I would try and make it clear what gender the narrator is early on.
I never really felt grounded in the piece. We’re mostly stuck in the narrator’s head, and while we see actions, there are no descriptions. For example, what’s the coffee shop look like? Is it cramped, or spacious? Modern or homey? Also, you spend multiple sentences talking about his tattoo, but you never describe the tattoo!
I felt like the guy’s reaction to the narrator following him was a bit unrealistic. If I were him, maybe I’d be that casual before we left the coffee shop, but once the narrator started following me I would definitely not be that friendly.
Also, I’d suggest breaking up the sentences more. The large blocks of text make it hard to read. For example, any time Clyde says a new line of dialogue, you could make it a new paragraph.
This seems like the beginning of a story, but even so, honestly, I would change the dream aspect of it. In my experience, when readers go through something intense like a murder with a knife, only to find out it’s a dream, they feel duped, and a little betrayed by the narrator. I understand that you don’t want the narrator- who really is Clyde- to actually murder (himself?), but make it clear that it’s a fantasy at the beginning of the story.