On a sunny day in October
my life would change forever
for I waited for a girl, who now is my world
she showed up at my door so confident and mature
I seen this intelligence standing in front of me
it was pure natural beauty
I have never laid my eyes on such a beautiful surprise
oh how she pulled me in with those gooey brown eyes
I thought for sure I was going to die
for my heart would give out at any second
oh how i’ve never seen this kind of obsession
everything about her I just adore
the way she looks at me makes me love her even more
oh how the freckles dance across her face
or how her smile catches at my taste
I crave her everyday
I miss her even when she is not away
oh my love, I am so glad I met you
no one could ever be as special as you
for you have qualities that in this decade have almost completely dissipated, but with you I am so elated
So because of that sunny day in October
we can spend this rainy day together.
Poetry
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Incredibly sweet piece with so much emotion and genuineness. You have defined clarity in how you reference this girl and take us on an imaginable evolution of creating a bond with her. It has a consistent flow and balance and doesn’t try too hard with its rhymes.
Here are some notes:
1. This is the only change I would make because ‘I seen’ doesn’t jive with the maturity of this piece. Even if it’s for the sake of the rhyme, I would avoid it unless the theme has a little bit of “backwards talking”.
I [peered at] this intelligence standing in front of me
or even just [saw]
2. In many cases I don’t like such similar words so close in descriptions but here it works, well done!
it was pure natural beauty
I have never laid my eyes on such a beautiful surprise
3. This is a really powerful, enlightening message and although it breaks a bit with the balance of the poem, it also kind of culminates everything you’ve just described.
for you have qualities that in this decade have almost completely dissipated, but with you I am so elated
4. Great imagery – I can picture a doe-eyed little doll with maybe a few baby tears welled up on the sides.
==== gooey brown eyes
I like how you came back to the original October-day theme and that even though it’s a rainy day the sun still shines because of your love for the girl. Great work! Keep it up 🙂
This poem is so pure. It truly encompasses the idea of love. I think it would be even more powerful if you used proper punctuation, but I understand it it is a personal style choice. I like how the end of your poem ties it back to the beginning, “So because of that sunny day in October we can spend this rainy day together.” This brings the poem full circle.