I used to drink each day,
now I just smoke pot.
At my core, is an addict.
I must have something,
anything, all the time.
Work is a challenge.
I have to stay sober.
Why is that a struggle?
I started cutting myself.
The endorphin rush of pain,
is my latest temptation.
Fighting constant urges,
but can I make them leave?
My self medicating is not working.
It comes down to control.
Control over how I feel.
Control over something,
anything, all the time.
I never feel enough of it.
It’s why I quit drinking,
I felt my grip slipping.
It scared me.
It’s why I have will now,
the cutting scared me too.
But how long can will carry me?
Seeking help outside.
My path is unsustainable.
Relief comes too slow.
This change is hard work.
Poetry
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It is truly brave and inspiring for you to write what you wrote. I can tell that you have gone through many hardships, and yet you did not let any of them pull you down, you continued on like a warrior. Change is hard, but it is not impossible. All you need is self-will, and you already have that. Life is a journey filled with hardships, laughters, sadness, growth and beautiful-beatific moments. Your work embodies honesty and vulnerability, and it shows how being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but do you think that the reason you smoked pot, drinked and cut yourself, was maybe not addiction itself, but rather an internal factor. In other words, is it possible that you used to do those things unconsciously as a means of escape to avoid something from within, or something that happened in the past. Speaking from personal experience, I developed unhealthy habits, because i just wanted an easy, quick high, i wanted an escape from my reality, and i did not wanted to confront the truths in my life. I became very anxious, as a result, i developed anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. The way i’m dealing with all those things, is simply being honest with myself and confronting the things, place, or people i avoided. Maybe you need figure out what your hiding from yourself. You should externalize what you feel internally, so you can unveil your difficulties, and therfore be able to work on them and improve on them. The philosophy i live by is, Life is not about reaching perfection, because nobody is perfect. Life, from Birth to death, is the journey of perfec-ting our character. and that’s the beauty of it all. I hope i was of help. keep writing, your work is authentic and raw, and that’s what we need in the writing field, we need honest, unedited, raw stories.
Thank you very much for all the kind words. I agree with you completely that I am trying to avoid something internally, so I’m not offended at all. I’m also really glad that you found it raw and authentic. That means a lot to me. Thank you! 🙂