As you are standing there knocking on heavens door. take a look back and give a good roar. make it loud do it right. get on a cloud and give it all your might. let us know when you are here. then we will show that we care. by letting our hearts glow with a single tear.
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I whole-heartedly ADORE the concept of this piece! Everyone wants to make their mark before they leave this world and pass into the unknown. This work represents what an individual should aim for “before” they finally move on from this life – to have a last hooray, loud and strong, making people remember why you were such a gracious presence on this Earth. I also really loved the language that you used over the course of the piece, for the words that you chose are very powerful and invigorating: “good roar,” “make it loud,” and “all your might” are all stimulating phrases, urging people to take a stand and reign before the lights turn out. “by letting our hearts glow with a single tear” is another riveting sentence, compelling people strive for a vast influence so that they are thoroughly loved and immortalized. Really, this entire piece serves as an incentive for the audience to do more and be more because, at the end of the day, your actions will determine your ultimate impact.
One piece of advice: I do believe that this piece would look a lot more aesthetically-pleasing as a poem. Literally, every single line in this work is valuable in itself, which is why I think that it deserves to stand on its own rather than in a cluster. To illustrate what I mean, I’ll provide you with an example of you could divide the piece:
“As you are standing there
knocking on heaven’s door,
take a look back
and give a good roar.
Make it loud,
do it right,
get on a cloud
and give it all your might.
Let us know
when you are here.
Then we will show that we care
By letting our hearts glow
with a single tear.”
When these lines are separated in such a manner, they are much more profound and resonating. The words are more clean and fluent. Plus, (and I don’t know if you did this intentionally) there is a definite rhyme scheme set in place; by converting this work into a poem, it will be much more obvious to the audience.
Again, this is just a suggestion. All in all, this was a fabulous construction! Bravo!