I really like this. There are a few grammar errors through the piece, but the main idea and writing is really good!
I appreciate your encouraging and helpful comment. It means a lot to me. Thank you 🙂
This was an engaging entrance into the world of Mory, a misfit teen struggling with identity and inclusion. I like the bullying scene, which is all too relevant.
What I found myself wondering is why the bully was permitted so much freedom to hurt others right in front of the Master. The society has harsh laws, a great respect for the Master, yet seemingly little discipline. I would have expected that bullying scene to happen after class in some off-campus setting. That seemed to take away from my ability to identify with the characters.
Honestly I have this same qualm with J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, so you’re not in bad company. I think as a Young Adult work this would stand up well. If I were a reader in Mory’s situation however, I could imagine feeling disappointed at the lack of central authority in this world. If I were to edit this for a published work of fiction, I would suggest more subtlety in the social interactions of bullys and other adolescent types, and possibly left Terias scowling through the class, then bumping into Mory after when he was unprotected. Terias had obvious respect for the Master, yet was unabashed in his bullying during a lecture. That created an inconsistency for me.
The story unfolds well and in good order, and your narration is excellent.
I really like this. There are a few grammar errors through the piece, but the main idea and writing is really good!
I appreciate your encouraging and helpful comment. It means a lot to me. Thank you 🙂
This was an engaging entrance into the world of Mory, a misfit teen struggling with identity and inclusion. I like the bullying scene, which is all too relevant.
What I found myself wondering is why the bully was permitted so much freedom to hurt others right in front of the Master. The society has harsh laws, a great respect for the Master, yet seemingly little discipline. I would have expected that bullying scene to happen after class in some off-campus setting. That seemed to take away from my ability to identify with the characters.
Honestly I have this same qualm with J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, so you’re not in bad company. I think as a Young Adult work this would stand up well. If I were a reader in Mory’s situation however, I could imagine feeling disappointed at the lack of central authority in this world. If I were to edit this for a published work of fiction, I would suggest more subtlety in the social interactions of bullys and other adolescent types, and possibly left Terias scowling through the class, then bumping into Mory after when he was unprotected. Terias had obvious respect for the Master, yet was unabashed in his bullying during a lecture. That created an inconsistency for me.
The story unfolds well and in good order, and your narration is excellent.