Two days ago, I had just received an ass whoopin, via a surprise attack from a bunch of thugs. It was Saturday Morning, right around noon. Prior to the beat down, I took a seven-minute walk to the Dollar General to get some sunflower seeds and a Coke. I quickly bought the goods and dipped. My town is usually pretty chill. It was a warm and sunny summer day in June. I didn’t think for one second that I was in any sort of danger. Little did I know, that was all about to change. I opened the bag of seeds and shoved a handful of them in my mouth. After roughly two minutes of my walk back to the crib, these guys popped up from behind a boarded-up house and charged straight at me. There were three of them. From my initial glance, I could see that they all wore sweatpants and a t-shirt that was black or dark-gray. They looked like a pack of wolves in my peripheral vision. Fight or flight kicked in immediately as I dropped my seeds and drink and tried to take off. I didn’t get very far though, only a few feet. By the time that I noticed those guys coming after me, they were already pretty damn close and approaching at a quick speed. I couldn’t get my legs moving fast enough in those mere few seconds. It was time to fight. After all, mama ain’t raise no bitch.
I balled my right hand into a fist and took a swing at the guy that reached me first. I aimed for his scary looking face. His head was bald and he had an unkempt beard and dark fierce eyes. They were set on me with a look that said: “I’m gonna kill you.” He looked like he was in his mid-thirties. I couldn’t really get a read on how quick he was coming at me. The punch landed on his left upper arm and I couldn’t get much force behind it. He actually had a somewhat muscular build to him. He was basically unphased. As I prepared to get trucked by this guy, I suddenly felt a knee ram into my stomach. I spat out the mouthful of sunflower seeds. I’m pretty sure they hit at least two of those guys. With the wind knocked out of my body, I fell to the ground. As I was down, they continued to punch, kick and stomp me. These guys had great footwear, only the latest Jordans and Nikes. At that moment I remembered myself thinking, “This is it. This is how I’m going to die. Taken out by a random gang at only twenty-four years old.” I think I endured another fifteen seconds of body shots when they suddenly stopped.
“I think we roughed him up good enough. Let’s get’em to the boss,” said one guy.
Another one responded, “Yeah. Sounds good.” He reached into my pockets and took my phone, keys, and wallet. Then he looked through my wallet. I wish they would have just asked for it nicely. Then I could have avoided all of that pain. “You only got six bucks in here. I can’t believe Elaine hooked up with a broke bum like you.”
I was stunned by hearing him mention Elaine. That was the name of the girl that I met at the club and brought home with me the night before this assault happened. She was fine as fuck. I love me some Latina women. I spotted her on the dance floor, wearing that short tight red dress, which clung to her marvelous body like paint on a wall. Ooo the ass was perfect! And she was a brunette with frizzy hair that went just past her shoulders. She had this seducing smile that was just inviting me to come by and spit some game with her. She was dancing with some friends, but that didn’t stop me from pulling the trigger. I slid my way through the crowd of dancers. That joint was lit. They had the strobe lights flashing. The song Pop Style by Drake was blasting through the speakers. I had a few drinks in me. I was ready to attack. Once I reached her, I gave her that “It’s time to dance” look. She already knew what was up. I didn’t pay her friends any mind. They looked okay but they just weren’t on Elaine’s level in terms of beauty. After a few songs with very close contact dancing, I had to get her back to my apartment. “Come over to my place and chill tonight,” I said. I’m pretty sure this was the Hennesey talking. I wouldn’t have the balls to pull this off if I was sober. She nodded and grabbed my hand as we made our way to the exit. It should come as no surprise that I forgot about the friends that were with her. Once we got home, I put on some RnB music and we talked for a bit, but we both knew what we were really there for. Let’s just say that we didn’t do a whole lot of talking that night.
As I lied on the ground, surrounded by those guys, I wondered how the hell Elaine was involved in this situation. They did just mention a boss. Did I fuck the bosses girl? I have no regrets about that amazing night with Elaine, but I began to wonder if the pussy was worth being in this mess. I made sure to have Elaine’s beautiful face buried in the pillow, but it may have led to my bloody face resting on the pavement.
Two guys grabbed my arms and lifted me up to my feet. The guy on my right was tall. I’m six feet and he seemed to be almost a foot taller than me. The one on my left was a chubby guy with a baby face. If he put on a red shirt, he would look like Fat Albert.
The fat one said, “It’s time for us to get movin. Boss doesn’t like to wait around.”
“Hold up a sec,” said the scary looking guy with my wallet. “Let me make sure we got the right guy.” He pulled out my driver’s license. “Dennis Romell Hartman the third. Yep, we’re looking for a guy named Dennis. We’re good to go guys.”
While my arms were still being held in a tight grip by fatso and skyscraper, the other guy tied a blindfold around my eyes. I was placed in the backseat of a car. I sat in the middle seat and my arms were being held down throughout the entire ride. This wasn’t really necessary because I had no intention of resisting at that point. Even though I was blindfolded and I didn’t have a mirror, I could feel that my face was jacked up. My mouth wouldn’t close completely due to my lips being swollen. My forehead itched as the blood dried up there. I felt pain everywhere on my face. It was a good thing that my skin was dark, so bruises wouldn’t be very noticeable. Not to mention, my half-inch-length facial hair probably absorbed some of the force from the blows. Looking back, I don’t know why I even thought about my appearance. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to make it out of that mess alive.
If those guys were talking at all during the car ride, I wouldn’t have known. I couldn’t hear anything over the rap music which rattled my eardrums. The car smelled like a mixture of weed and Hawaiian breeze air freshener. After what felt like about thirty minutes, the car stopped, the music was silenced, and the engine was cut off.
I had no clue where we were and it was obvious that these guys didn’t want me to know. They violently yanked me out of the car and walked me into some building. We went down some stairs and stopped after taking just a few more steps forward, The blindfold was removed. We were in a dingy looking basement which was lit by a couple of flickering light bulbs. It smelled like mold and was full of cobwebs. Just in front of me, there was a big black desk with an office chair behind it. The back of the chair was facing towards me.
“You gotta deal with the boss now,” said the tall guy. “It will be his decision for what happens to you from this point on. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a nice and quick death.”
It was as if the room became a sauna. I began sweating like crazy. My heart rate reached a new limit. I didn’t know why I was there or what would happen to me. All I knew was that if I didn’t clear things up with the boss, I could very well be executed. I was ready sweet talk the boss to save my life.
The bald guy walked behind the desk and placed his hand on the top of the chair. I thought maybe he was the boss all along and he would be the one to take a seat in the chair. This was not the case. The man spun the chair around so that we could see the front. It turns out that the boss was already sitting in the chair, and I could not believe my eyes. The boss was a baby. He looked like he was just a little over a year old. I immediately started laughing my ass off.
“This is your boss? Oh my god, look at that little tuxedo he’s wearing!” I struggled to get my words out because this shit was hilarious. I continued to ramble. “What’s he gonna do? Cry me to death? Wooh. This was a great joke, guys, but I gotta get home and catch the bulls game.”
The little guy appeared to be harmless. He just stared at us with this blank look on his face. Drool ran down from his mouth to his tux. He had dark brown hair that was short and curly. Surely he wasn’t going to take my head.
The fat guy gave me a swift elbow to the gut. The painful blow shut me up and reminded me of where I was. He got right up in my face. I could smell the sour cream and onion chips on his breath as he calmly said, “Show some respect to the boss. You want to be on his good side.”
The baby began to babble while still slobbering from his mouth. “Wah wah oo eh ahh.”
Apparently, the tall guy next to him was his translator. “The boss said I know you slept with my mother last night.”
So that’s it? The boss was Elaine’s baby boy? He continued to spew out baby talk.
“Eh baa boo aw.”
“My mom is happily married to my father, but I guess that didn’t matter to you. I must eliminate you for his honor.”
In my head, I thought, “What kind of farce bullshit is this? It was like something out of a short story that was written by a total psycho.”
I did not believe for one second that this baby was really speaking to me, but I still felt like I had to defend myself. “I didn’t know nothing about no marriage,” I said.
The kid started slapping his little hands on the desk repeatedly. He started loudly screeching instead of blabbering like before.
Baldy delivered the final decision. “You will die you son of a bitch. Your means of execution will be by drowning in breast milk.”
They walked me over to the right side of the room where there was a cauldron full of a liquid that actually did look like milk. If it really was breast milk, where did they get it from and how did they get so much of it? Above the cauldron, there was a rope that was fixed to a pulley that hung from the ceiling. I’m not gonna lie, I think drowning in breast milk wouldn’t be a bad way to go out. However, this isn’t exactly how I would have done it. They tied my arms and legs up and had me hanging upside down by the rope over the cauldron. I gave one last effort to try to talk them out of killing me, but none of them responded. I realized that it was pointless and began to accept my fate. I tried to reason with myself in order to stay sane in my final moments. At least I was able to hook up with a MILF before it was all said and done.
“Drop the bastard,” said the bald guy. Skyscraper was the one who was holding me up with his end of the rope. He steadily allowed the rope to slide through his hands which slowly lowered me towards the cauldron. After what felt like an eternity, my buzzed cut hair and scalp came into contact with the liquid. Then the milky substance reached my eyebrows. It felt warm and smooth. I thought I was getting my last glimpse of the world before everything would go dark.
Suddenly, I heard a loud bang that came from upstairs. It sounded like the front door got kicked in. I could hear the sounds of footsteps and some dogs barking. The intruders made their way downstairs with guns, flashlights, and dogs.
“On your knees! Now! And hands where I can see them! GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES!”
I got dropped into the big pot. Fortunately, since I fell kind of quick, my right shoulder tipped the pot over as I fell in. I was soaked all over with the milky substance, but at least I could breathe. Some of it got in my mouth. I thought that it would taste like fresh pina colada made in Puerto Rico. Instead, it tasted like someone took some flour and mixed it with water. My head was still in the tipped cauldron, so I couldn’t see what was going on, but it sounded like the cops came to my rescue. I could hear sounds such as the boss baby crying in defeat, handcuffs getting locked into place, and Miranda rights being recited. Soon one of the cops came to me and pulled me out of the cauldron.
“Hey, you all right buddy?”
“Yeah, I’m good.”
He cut the ropes off of me and led me upstairs and out of the house. As we walked to the stairs I saw everyone on the ground in handcuffs. They used two pairs on fatso. Their faces were on the floor. Looks like the roles were reversed, motherfuckers.
When we got outside, I was happy to be alive and breathe in the fresh air. My body was shaking from the rush of adrenaline. The police officer could see that I was completely shell shocked.
“I’ll take you over to the emergency medical team to have them take care of your wounds, and you can rest for a bit. Then I’ll come back to you and we can fill each other in on what’s going on here.”
He left me with the EMT and they took good care of me. They cleaned my wounds and checked my vital signs. For the most part, I was fine except for a cracked rib. The police officer came back to me after about ten minutes passed.
As we sat in an ambulance, he asked me, “Do you need more time before we talk?”. He was young, probably in his twenties. He was a nice guy with a friendly smile that assured me that I was in good hands. Something tells me this wasn’t the cop who ordered those guys to get on the ground.
“ Nah, I’m okay,” I replied.
“All right then. Can you tell me what happened here?”
I told him everything that happened between my night with Elaine and the point of being lowered into the breast milk. He wrote everything down on a notepad. Then he spoke to me.
“Thanks for your info. Now I guess I’ll tell you what I’m allowed to share with you about this group of guys. Elaine Ramirez is a… well… to put it nicely, a pretty promiscuous woman. She has cheated on her husband on many occasions. What really throws me for a loop is how clueless she’s been about her baby boy running a gang, whose ultimate goal is to kill all men who have sex with her. For crying out loud, where is she while all of this is going down.” I just sat there with a confused look on my face, not knowing what to think. He continued speaking. “Anyway, three men who we believe were victims of this group have gone missing. We’ve gathered enough evidence to suggest that Elaine and this group of guys may have had something to do with the disappearances. Luckily, we were staking out this residence as they brought you in. Now we have the suspects in custody and you’re safe.”
“Well, officer…”
“Nelson. Mason Nelson,” he said while pointing to his name tag.”
“Officer Nelson, thanks for saving my life. I can’t tell you how grateful I am, but my mind is still blown. How in the hell does a one-year-old baby take charge of a gang?”
Laughter was officer Nelson’s response. He took a few seconds to let it all out, even to the point where his eyes teared up a little. “Wooh! Man. Sorry about that. I know this is a serious matter, but it all sounds like something you’d see in a comedy film. Little Marco Ramirez was not in charge of this group. He’s a normal baby. At least we think he is. The bald one was Elaine’s brother and the other two were his friends. Each one of them has a history of numerous criminal offenses. Her brother has also been professionally diagnosed with psychological conditions. He’s good friends with his brother in law and I guess this is his preferred method of seeking revenge. He probably thought it would be funny to pretend that his nephew was the mastermind who was calling the shots.”
The cops brought the guys outside and stuffed them into their own separate police cars. Little Marco was being held by one of the officers.
“So what happens now?” I asked officer Nelson.
“We’ll get you to the hospital to receive further treatment. Some officers will stop by to tie up some loose ends. We can take care of some of those other necessary tasks later. One thing you might want to consider while you recover is if you feel you’ll need monitored protection in the future.”
“Thanks but I don’t think I’ll need that. If you’re gonna monitor someone, it should be Elaine. She’s probably getting those cheeks clapped right now as we speak.”
After that, I chilled in the hospital for a couple of days until I was ready to get back on my feet. It was actually pretty relaxing, and some friends and family paid me a few visits. I was also able to watch the Bulls beat the Celtics on that first night. It feels great to be alive right now. Surviving that fiasco has really given me a new appreciation for a life that I shouldn’t take for granted. The biggest lesson that I learned from this crazy experience is that you got to really get to know these hoes before you sleep with them.
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