“Is it bad to be alone.” I ask myself as I stare blankly into my monitor. “Is it bad that regardless of who surrounds me or how many surround me, I feel alone…” I didn’t realize the effects that depression would have on me. I lean back in my chair as I begin to stare into the ceiling as if asking God himself, “Why do I feel this way? What did I do to deserve to feel this way, everyday I wake up and wish I didn’t have to, sleep and I’m not able to, live when I don’t want to…” My eyes start to water as I think about what I live with and how I am forced to live, “I go out with friends and I smile and laugh, I act happy wishing I could feel that way… Hoping that someone will come along and see through it. That someone will help me… But it isn’t happening, I can’t help but wonder why you put someone like me on this Earth, to live in dread each day, hoping to die, but not wanting to take my own life. I don’t want to live anymore, but I don’t want to burden those around me with grief.” Tears began streaming down my face as I keep looking through the ceiling and into the sky above at what I think would be God. “Is life meant to be suffering, devoid of feeling… What am I supposed to be feeling, happiness? Indulgence? Suffering? I just want to be happy, but instead I feel dead, numb to everything around me. What is the plan for me, to live this consequential life and teach others how to cope?” I kept staring into the ceiling as I began to doze off in my chair.
I feel hazy in a world covered in a blanket of darkness, I look around seeing the endless void expanding for as far as I could see. I begin to walk trying to find light, continuing to walk. I look around and see nothing, my eyes see nothing, I feel blinded in the darkness… “Am I still walking? Is there no end to this void I am in?” I say out loud, hearing my voice is muffled. I feel scared, my voice is muffled, I can’t see, there is only darkness, for as long as I can see. It gets harder to breathe as my walking begins to slow and my legs are trudging through what feels like mud. I am desperately gasping for air, I can feel my legs faltering in this mud like substance. It’s climbing, my waist, my chest, I’m in so deep, I can barely hold my head above what I can only assume is mud. I fall through, clawing towards the surface, fighting to breathe, going deeper… and deeper… I give up, there is no way out… I close my eyes to the darkness and let my body go limp, as I feel my lungs flood with the mud.
I jump awake as I was tilting to fall over in my chair, barely catching myself on my desk, the depression already taking over my mind, hoping I didn’t wake up, hoping I fell, just to feel something, even if it is physical pain of neglect of my own well being. I look to my computer monitor, seeing all my ‘friends’ playing games, none of them knowing what I live through, then again I don’t know what they live through, but my mind is flooded with trying to survive, I don’t have time to worry about them… “Are they ok? Are any of them going through the same thing as me? Are they waiting for someone to notice and no one is? Do I need to be the one to help them?” I begin to think in my head as I hold my head in my hands. “Can I help them? Would I be able to? If I can stop someone else from suffering like me, will that help me? What am I saying, this isn’t about me, I just don’t want anyone to suffer like I do. A life like this isn’t one worth living, one devoid of love, feeling, and drive to live. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy…” I say aloud to myself wondering just how bad they may be suffering and if I have a right to complain when someone may have it worse than me.
“I wonder how other people see life, is it colorful, beautiful, full of vibrance?” I ask aloud hoping for someone to respond… I wait for a minute and no one does, “Of course, what was I thinking, I’m alone… All alone… Just like always…” zzzzt zzzzt… zzzzt zzzzt… I look to see my phone ringing, “A call?” I turn over my phone. “Oh… It’s dad.” I prepare to answer changing my tone and coughing a bit to change my voice. “Hey dad! How are you?” I say acting happy. “Good son, just called to check on you, make sure you are doing ok, how are you?” He asks seemingly oblivious to how I live. “I’m fine, just a little tired, didn’t sleep too well. Other than that great.” I cringe as I lie to my dad. “That’s good to hear, just wanted to check on you, let you know I love you!” He says with so much emotion, I begin to wonder how it feels to feel emotion… “I love you too dad! I’ll talk to you later though, bye. Love you!” I say forcing, what I hope is enough soul into my voice, to let him believe I really am fine. “Alright son, I love you too, bye, have a good day.” He says as the call ends and I sit there holding my phone to my ear, my head on my desk listening to the end tone…. Beep beep beep Before the call automatically ends. “What would my dad thinks if he knew how much pain I was in, if he knew what I lived like? I couldn’t live with myself letting him know I’m in such a place. I sit at my desk staring at the floor as hours begin to pass, before I know it, it’s dusk. “Another day well spent wallowing in my own depression, me just existing. Such is my life I guess, I don’t really know how to help myself and I don’t want to burden anyone so I can’t ask for help. I guess I’ll just keep living… Living in silent pain… A silent never ending pain…” I say to myself as I close my eyes and fall asleep once again…
Short Stories
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