do you remember
the first time
the day after thanksgiving, the friday
when it was just a fling, when i blamed
thigh highs and keeping secrets and not you,
never you.
it was just a fling, and i wanted the music loud and
the lights turned low and you said
‘you can make noise, you know’
and i said
‘i know.’
do you remember
the second time
when i started out saying ‘no,’ and then
‘maybe,’ and then ‘later,’ and then
‘ok.’
when i ran to the bathroom every ten minutes
to wash your taste out of my mouth, but
nothing was wrong. it was just a fling
and it was okay to hook up with someone you didn’t like,
right? it was fine
and nothing was wrong
and i wore a smile to school
and never touched my thigh highs again
and nodded when my friends said, ‘at least you hooked up with someone,
you know?’
do you remember
the almost-third time
when i was lonely and felt comforted by your distance
when i could tell you anything because
i knew i was far enough to run
you said your feelings were coming back
and i wanted to never feel your touch again
and i wanted to come over
and if i was lying, or if i just wanted you
or wanted to feel loved,
i didn’t know.
but i remember.
i remember a rooftop and a welcome you overstayed
and i remember confusion and lust and
the shame that is still with me,
after two years and other lips and
our ever-growing distance
i remember changing my sheets
moving my bed
scolding my tongue
i remember regret.
i remember pushing you away, and
i remember you calling me beautiful
i remember everything, but i still have never thought to ask
how didn’t you know?
Poetry