I’ve been seeing Dr. Brennan for a month.
A whole month where I could’ve been out destroying the world or something. Maybe smothering pregnant women in their sleep or lighting antique stores on fire.
At least, that’s what my psychological evaluation says. Maybe. Possibly.
I often like to wonder what Dr. Brennan’s getting from our one-hour meetings. If the notes he takes in his small, yellow notepad are significant or just amateur doodles of forest animals. His face is always open and passive, a face that invites confidence. I’ve only ever seen curiosity in his eyes but in their reflection, I can envision everything I’ve said or done in front of him.
Oh yes, she jiggles her leg at seven-minute intervals. That indicates homicidal tendencies. And hmm, her eyes shift to the left often. Signs of severe paranoia.
Last week, he’d asked me why I was unhappy. And he’d brought up the topic easily as if he didn’t want it to seem heavy between “What’s your favorite color?” and “What time do you usually wake up?” I’d been staring at his wall clock, which was black and dull, but blessedly analog and able to lull me into a trance as I watched the hands tick by.
“I’m sorry, what?” I’d asked, even though I heard him. Sort of. Every second wasted was a second closer to going home and passing out in my bed.
Dr. Brennan stopped sketching the outline of a rabbit’s ear. His glasses slid a fraction down his nose. Through them his eyes were serious, my ploy had been found out.
“I asked why you feel so unhappy.”
I often get questioned about my emotional state. By my parents, my friends, my dog, Chere, as he licks the tears from my face when I collapse on the bathroom floor. “I’m just thinking,” I’d say to them with a smile. “Looking sad is my resting face. Makes people wonder about me.” That’s a lie of course. I don’t want anyone to wonder about me. I just want them all to leave me alone.
But that face of Dr. Brennan’s was a carefully cultivated tool. His gaze was unblinking behind his glasses and I kind of had a thought that he didn’t really need them for real sight at all. Maybe they were for insight, for discerning every secret his patients kept concealed.
How fucking annoying. Wasn’t that cheating? Rather than trying to fight this unknown power, I decided to give in. “I was born heartbroken,” I said simply.
It’s hard for me to think of a day when I wasn’t sad. I’d like to think my first bite of a syrup-soaked pancake was rapturous. Or driving 80 mph down an empty highway at night makes my heart flutter something magical. However, those are small moments between a more encompassing emotion. The blur in your eye; the itch between your toes.
But the sadness was my constant companion. It was the blackened shadow behind me, the imaginary friend I’d hide with when everyone else proved to be too close. I’d turn the emotion over and over in my mind- before I went to sleep, during class, at church, unable to understand its permanence. My sister liked to joke that I came into the world crying not because I was happy to take a breath, but because I’d have to take many more after the first one.
I kind of think she was right.
Realistic Fiction
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I loved reading your short story! You really have a talent. My favorite part was when your character was describing things that she hopefully found enjoyable, like eating pancakes and going 80 mph down the highway for the first time. I defiantly think you should extend your piece. I really want to know more.
Thanks again! This is part of an ongoing story and I wanted to first put out a piece that I feel represents the character the best- their unreliability, paranoia, and vulnerability. The feedback is really important to me so I appreciate every word you said 🙂
This is little snippet of (what I presume to be) a longer story is genuinely so good! I was drawn in immediately, especially with the second paragraph: “A whole month where I could’ve been out destroying the world or something. Maybe smothering pregnant women in their sleep or lighting antique stores on fire.” Right off the bat, the reader is captivated because they are dealing with a character that can conjure up such a vile thought so casually – and during A THERAPY SESSION! Seriously, what a great hook!
I think what I love most about this work is how you have set up a lot about the main character in such a short about of time. First off, the reader automatically knows that she is unhinged and unstable not only because of the fact that she needs therapy, but also because she dares to believe that she is capable of committing misdeeds. Moreover, the readers understands that she deems herself as a lost cause: she does not pay attention during the session, she doesn’t even think Dr. Brennan is putting in an honest effort, and she has come to conclusion that has been unhappy since birth, which suggests that she highly doubts that anything in this world is going to change this eternal down-spiral of hers. There are small things that have potential to give her joy, such as syrupy pancakes and accelerating a car, but at the end of the day, she views herself as destined to be full of woe. You have constructed this character who is both twisted yet wholly sympathetic. Maybe it’s just that I have friends in real life with mental illnesses and I find it captivating to delve into that malformed mindset, but I believe that this snippet is incredibly strong and impactful.
If there is anything that I want more of from this work, it’s details about Dr. Brennan. This chapter is called “Dr. Brennan,” which means there should be some establishment of his character, but we don’t really get that much information on him. I understand that you are trying to focus on the perspective of the protagonist and lay down the groundwork for her, but I wish that, throughout the narrative, there was focus on him as well. For example, mention what is in his office, like if he has any awards on the walls or pictures of his family on his desk; mention how he composes himself in comparison to the title character. In other words, show the contrast between the sane and (possibly) insane. I think that would be an interesting element to add to the chapter, especially if you are trying to emphasize how divergent the protagonist is from other people.
All in all, a very solid and engrossing start to what’s undoubtedly going to be a very thrilling tale! Phenomenal job!
Thank you so much! Your critique was extremely helpful. I’ve been working with playing with time and having the story be non-linear so there’s a part after this that describes his office better. However, I think I’ll take your advice and incorporate it into this part. The idea of the sane contrasting with the maybe insane is what I was going for but you really put it into words.
Dr. Brennan is difficult for me to write because I imagine him to be like the reader- just an observer in the narrator’s world. That’s why most of the observations about him seem slightly surreal. In a way, I wanted the protagonist to kind of break the fourth wall existentially. It’s so hard to explain but it all makes sense in my head, haha.
Once again, thank you for the feedback!
I think the most striking part of this piece is the final set of lines: “My sister liked to joke that I came into the world crying not because I was happy to take a breath, but because I’d have to take many more after the first one. I kind of think she was right.”
As others have said, this is striking, captivating, and easily read. You take us easily through a conversation amounting to less than five minutes in a doctor’s office but successfully make us feel like it’s been as long as it feels for the patient.
I agree with Cardinal about making sure Dr. Brennan gets more revealed about him. I love what you have done already (the glasses for insight…isn’t that cheating) and I’d say keep revealing things about him from the first person perspective only.
Thank you! This is another snippet in a hopefully much larger work. Like I’ve said before, Dr. Brennan is hard for me to write, only because I’m battling between the surreal lens the narrator sees him through and what a real fleshed out character is supposed to be like. I also want to make the narrator believable in their unbelievability, which is why I had them juxtaposed against someone like a psychiatrist. But at this point, I barely know what’s real or not.
Woah!
That’s all I can say.
Woah!
Sensei teach me your ways. This is amazing I really don’t have one single bad thing to say about this. It reads well and it’s intriguing. I wanna say good short story, but God no!, I hope it isn’t a short story I would like to read more. I wanna see Dr. Brennan and the narrator hook up. I say that because when I read the first line I originally thought she was seeing, as in dating, the Doctor and the more I think about it that could be a very interesting turn of events. I think one person said it above but you really got me with the character’s outrageous/out-there way of thinking in the beginning; that was a really good opener. But my favorite part had to be the kicker aka the last couple of lines. It did what every author desires to do with the last two lines of their piece; it kicked the reader in the gut.
Amazing job!
Definitely not a short story, haha. I have a lot more but this part felt the most fleshed out and I see it as a good introduction to each character. Thank you for the feedback! I can see the mix-up with the opening line and honestly never thought of it reading like that. Good eye, haha.