You wake up, brush your teeth, use the bathroom, and sit at your vanity. You avoid looking in the mirror, because you fear what you look like today. You eventually gather the courage to look into that dreadful mirror, and loathe what you see. This is my life.
I have been depressed for around five months now. I try my best to hide it, but it is so hard sometimes. I feel numb constantly. I’m not evil like you believe I am; I simply just bury my emotions. If I let one come out, they all come rushing in like a flood, and I drown. When I feel I really feel. I put on a mask when I am at school, yet they have no idea. They would never suspect me to be depressed
The initial cause of my depression was my skin. I hate feeling ugly. My skin became a huge part of my life. For example, I hate taking pictures, because I am afraid of what my skin looks like. My depression is more than that now. It’s deeper. I think differently than other girls, and I am not like them. They believe “I’m tired,” because that is what I tell them. Small things trigger my depression. It’s always there, lurking, but sometimes it gets worse. When it gets really bad I shut down, I cut everyone off, and I isolate myself. I don’t process what is happening around me, because all I can focus on is the numbness and the darkness inside. I’m hollow.
I don’t need therapy, I don’t need to talk to someone, and I’m not crazy. I don’t hate what I look like all of the time. My depression is my problem. It is my secret to tell, not yours. Don’t let this change how you look at me, because I am still the same person. I still love Netflix and llamas, I still know every word to every Hamilton song, and I will always love guacamole. I am not a piece of glass. I felt that it was time to finally tell you this, and please consider how hard this was for me.
Aliza
Journalistic Writing
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Aliza,
I can really appreciate the courage it took and the sheer force of will it took to write these things out. I hate having my picture taken too because I don’t look how I want to look. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and I hope you realize that everyone feels like this sometimes, even if they never say anything about it. Sometimes the feelings run deeper and you feel like you’re out of control (as you said, once you feel a little emotion, they all come flooding in, and that’s a scary thing to feel!)
My question for you, as an anonymous person on the internet who knows nothing about your particular situation, is have you talked to a doctor about this? Not a therapist or shrink or whatever, but your family doctor? You’ve already done the hard part and reached out for help from your parents. I don’t know why that’s harder than asking for help from someone like a doctor but it totally is, and I understand that. You’ve already gotten that done, so I’d encourage you to see whether the family doc has something to say about it. They might offer medication or other treatment. It is worth asking for help if it means you can get your head above water and start to shed some of this illness.
Depression is an illness. It’s also treatable. You don’t have to feel this way, and you don’t deserve to, no matter what the little nagging negs in your head say.
Thank you so much for this comment. I wrote this a couple months ago and finally decided to post it, but since then, I have seen a doctor and I’m improving. I still struggle with my depression don’t get me wrong, but finally realizing that I have an illness and that I’m not completely alone has helped tremendously. Writing has also been such an amazing way of expressing how I truly feel instead of bottling up my emotions. Once again, thank you for commenting; it truly means a lot.