can you see worry in my eyes
Is it noticeable?
sometimes it can’t be disguised
my eyes can’t lie
And I wonder why
Maybe it’s because
they never cry
So when you see my eyes
you will see all that’s inside
When I am elated
When I am sad or
even when they’re high
Eyes show your hidden emotions
unrealized
They’re colored hazel
changing colors constantly
like a sunset
Confidently I say
mine you’ll never forget
So if you ask me if I’m fine and I say
I am
Just look into my eyes
they don’t pretend
They change from honey to brown to green
Sometimes they’re piercing
or they pull you in by looking serene
Don’t look into them for too long
I’m not ready what you’ll see in them
Don’t stare in them too long
because then you’ll love them
and I don’t love easily
My eyes have seen it all
Some can’t look into them
Leaves them surprised
to see them undisguised
I told you they never lie
Thankful they’re beautiful
the shape and the color
Half like mother’s
half like father’s
they’re also like no others
Green brown or honey
My hazel eyes are rare
so I feel lucky
Even though I’m not
And even though I’m not
I still have a lot
I am grateful
Thank you God for my eyes to see
Thank you for my vision because
no one appreciates it
until they can no longer read
But thank you for mine
because they’ve seen so much
but still so little
Then I remember
there’s still a lifetime
Don’t look into my eyes too long
They’ll pull you in
and have you hooked
like your favorite song
Poetry
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1. I really enjoyed how you used personification to create these characters in these eyes, referring to them as ‘they’ here was really effective:
And I wonder why
Maybe it’s because they never cry
1a. With nothing but pride, but eyes can’t lie. The repeated but could be changed to:
With nothing but pride, [despite that these] eyes can’t lie.
2. The comma isn’t necessary here and looks like too much punctuation:
I would capitalize the b in because
Is it noticeable?, because sometimes it can’t be disguised.
3. I think starting here the stanzas become different length then the beginning and then they vary in length until the end:
They change from honey to brown to green
Sometimes they’re piercing or they can pull you in by looking serene
Don’t look into them for too long for I’m not ready what you’ll see in them
Don’t stare in them too long because then you’ll love them and I don’t love easily
==== I think for the sake of flow the stanzas should be similar in length. Even if you want to have two longer lines and then two shorter lines, there should be consistency.
4. fathers is possessive, should be: father’s
Half like mother half like fathers and they’re also like no others
5. I liked this:
My hazel eyes are rare so I feel lucky…
===you should consider inserting some exclamation with an interjection like:
My hazel eyes are rare, oh how I feel so lucky!
especially because of the hard turn it takes with this following:
Even though I’m not
6. here’s a suggestion:
And even though I’m not I still have a lot [for which] I am grateful
7. I really like how it ends but I would change it to:
You will feel them and love them like a favorite sung song
Overall your poem has a richness and ease to it that I liked; perhaps use more colorful diction in your future work. Well done!
Thank you for the advice in which I will heed. Few things were typos, the last line should have just said: “you will feel them and love them like your favorite love song.” I appreciate your advice for the last line but for some reason sung song is not coming out right when I say it out of my mouth lol. I’m co authoring right now in my first book so I am grateful for anything you throw my way. My goal is too get a book publish with a collaboration of my poems. They’re longer and more like short stories. I have not found a way to properly write or type out a pause in my poetry. Some of it is rant poetry. To hear me say it to you in person would make more sense haha. Thank you for you admiration of my writing and thank you again for all of the advice! I should revise my work myself better also.