(Isaiah 44:22) “I am your creator, you were in my care even before you were born.”
My earliest memories of childhood are special times with my daddy. My favorite experiences revolved around having tea parties with him and making lots of popcorn. Food even tasted better when I was with my dad. I cherished those moments even at that young age. I adored the fact of thinking that I was his little girl and always would be. Dad was my invincible hero and I never thought he would go away. You see, my dad displayed solid stability for me. He was consistent in what he did. When he spoke, he did so with conviction, meaning exactly what he said and saying exactly what he meant. He got a little tough at times. and authoritative, however, other than God he was the only one who corrected me at all.
My recollection of my mother back then was that she was physically present, but out alot during the evenings. She attended many tupperware parties and church functions. That never really bothered me though….it gave me more Jennifer and daddy time! Mom was always genuine, nurturing, loving and caring, although I felt more of a bond with my dad. There is just something really special about a daughter and father bond. The strong pull towards my dad never made me feel like I loved mom any less. It was just different. Needless to say, when my parents became separated, my picture perfect world became shattered at once. That happy go little girl was gone. I was never the same again. I became withdrawn, isolated, confused and unloved. I realize today that it is all in how situations and circumstances are interpreted. Unfortunately, I interpreted their split up as being my fault. I felt I had done something offensive that triggered my dad to leave. In addition to that, something serious and drastic had happened to my mother because something changed within her personality. Looking back, and from what I understand, she had a nervous breakdown in which her behavior reverted to childlike. She was not acting like her normal self anymore. Out of worry and fear for my sister and my safety, my dad had her committed to a psychiatric institution. Again I was traumatized. My mom had disappeared this time. I was convinced she was dead because she was not escorted away in my presence. It seemed as though overnight my dad was gone and then my mom vanished. Even though her absence was temporary, I was devastated enabling my mental state to become really anxious an depressed. How could a five year old little girl understand and comprehend this kind of information? Of course, my father’s intentions were not to harm me emotionally, but today I somewhat chuckle to myself. Everything was all about me early on! That self centeredness of mine! Some things just never changed. Truth was though, back then, instilled within me were feelings of abandonment, rejection, fear and separation anxiety. It was a great loss and emptiness that I can’t explain. It does explain though, that uncomfortable feeling I have when people that I get close to go away. After that, I began to create a prison within myself that I would battle with for years to come.
(Exodus 3:12) “I will be with you.”
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