This piece of writing is dedicated to the Lord, my Heavenly Father above, who has corrected, disciplined and loved me throughout it all. He continues to carry me. To my late Daddy for without whom, this could not be written. To my sister, my biggest cheerleader and my rock. And to my unbelievable, driven and courageous son. I love you all so much. Thank you for your belief in me until I could believe in myself.
(John 9:31) “Now we know that God heareth not sinners; but if any man be a worshipper of God and doeth His will, Him be heard.”
(Hebrews 5:5-6) “When the Lord punishes you, don’t make light of it. And when He corrects you, don’t be discouraged. The Lord corrects the people He loves and disciplines those He calls His own.”
Chapter 1
4/19/2019
Again? I asked myself when I awoke that morning, so dehydrated that when I opened my mouth to speak not a word could be spoken due to my throats dryness. My body so sore I couldn’t really move or turn from all of the abuse that had been self induced for so long as well as physical altercations with the Rome, the man sleeping beside me whom I claimed to love so passionately and profoundly.
Again? I repeated silently to myself wondering why…why I continued to consistently wake up daily anymore…to continue pursing slow, painful and desperate self suicide with alcohol, drugs and all of the physical abuse endured for over half of my lifetime. The majority of my fifty years on this Earth.
Being a Christian, a strong believer in Christ, I was actually pondering the thought of maybe there really wasn’t a God after all. Was He really there? No…I mean really, really there. I had cried out to the Lord two days prior seeking guidance and wholeheartedly questioning as to which direction to take. Which way did He want me to go? Where was I going to end up? Would I die like this? Would I ever see my beloved son or sister again? Would I see any of my family..whom I no longer communicated with and hadn’t for months stemming from debilitating shame, stubborn pride and woundedness. I felt as though my soul was depleting, like I was losing it, like I was emotionally paralyzed. The anxiety and depression were crippling. My spirit was broken. I didn’t even feel human anymore. I felt as though I was dying. However, one thing is for sure. The answer to my question was that God was there after all. Really, really there after all.
The three of us were promptly kicked out of our motel room at eleven am. This was nothing out of the ordinary. Myself, Rome (the man lying beside me) and another individual we had recently me whom, for whatever reason being had the desire to pal around with us. I have no idea why except that maybe he was lost also or of course, misery loves company. Rome and I had it out all night long, were disgusted with each other, homeless addicted and angry. We had no idea where we were going to stay that night ahead. A tent? The laundry room at a motel? A ditch? Abandoned building maybe? We were back walking the streets once again, believing this was just another typical day, surviving the pits of hell.
I hobbled up the road, sprained ankle on one foot, broken toe on the other wearing clothes from a suitcase that we had found on the side of the road. Rome had thrown away my crutches and I was livid. They were always walking up ahead of me, and I could never catch up. I screamed and cried behind them, but as hysterical as I was, my primary concern was that next drink or hit of dope. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right anymore. Criminality certainly wasn’t working out for me. I was failing miserably and couldn’t get my fix at the moment. I felt doom.
(Romans 7:18-25) I know that my selfish desires won’t let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right I cannot. Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong. And so if I don’t do what I know is right, I am no longer the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them. The law has shown me that something in me keeps me from doing what I know is right. With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do. What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die? Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me. So with my mind I serve the Law of God, although my selfish desires make me serve the Law of Sin.
My divine intervention, my miracle and the Lord’s protection and saving of my soul was about to be revealed to me in such a way that I will never forget. I thank God to this day.
We finally made it bickering and arguing all the way to a convenience store. In retrospect, I believe that the police officers pulled up to us standing outside because our “new friend” had swiped something from the Walmart in front of us and had been watched doing so. In addition, I’m sure it appeared as though we were panhandling and like we were up to no good. At any rate, after approaching and questioning us, they requested that we give them our identification. Without any hesitation I gave them my driver’s license and the officer went into his vehicle to run my ID. As time went by my stomach started to feel sick because he was taking to long. What was going on? Finally he approached me and asked me if I had trouble in the past with another state. Immediately I knew. I knew at that precise moment that I was going to jail for something. That impending doom that I had been feeling suddenly became real. He informed me that I had an outstanding felony arrest warrant in Virginia. Possession of a controlled substance of a Schedule I or II controlled substance. I tried to breathe, not panic or faint. I was half drunk, exhausted and couldn’t stop shaking. I literally grabbed Rome and whispered, “I want to run away, get out out of here, I’m so scared.” “No,” he stated. “You go with them.” I was then accused of being a fugitive, fleeing from justice from Virginia to North Carolina, where I had most recently become homeless. Extradition? Possession? What did all of this entail?
The Lord spared my life that day as He has numerous times in the past. It was different now though. I felt like I was being punished by God, and could see no light at the end of the tunnel. It was raining outside and everything in my life was immensely dark and full of dread. Again, I found myself asking why along with wallowing in self pity. “Please get me out,”I said to Rome as we were getting ready to drive away. “I will he said, that’s my word.” At the time I believed him, failing to recognize that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. You see, I had been clinging on to Rome, as if he were my Higher Power, along with the drugs and alcohol that I had been surrendering to daily as well. I wasn’t being punished. God was simply extracting me from this deplorable lifestyle. He is so forgiving, gracious and all mighty. I didn’t see it that way at the time but yet at time of my arrest, I was being set free from Satan’s evil ways, evil strongholds chemicals and substances. God was restoring my soul from what I believed was the death of me. In the days ahead, I gradually decided to pay attention, accept my circumstances, become more aware and develop skills of patience and tolerance. I had absolutely no choice. Like my late grandfather on my dad’s side would tell me, “you need some correcting!” Ever since I was a little girl I insisted upon learning things the hard way. I suppose that is how I am wired. As I once heard, “it is hard to go through the go through.’ I agree. I will explain.
(James 4:8) Draw close to God and He will draw close to you.”
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