"I want him in my life"
I want him in my life
I’m writing this letter because it seems to be easier for me to express my feelings this way rather than talk about them. I don’t know where to start but I have never been so down and hurt in my life. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to end the pain completely. I can’t vocalize my feelings about that because of where I am. I did once and almost got sent out. I don’t want to end up in a psycho ward or mental hospital. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent and level headed person…until now. It all started in Feb. 2017. A handsome young man was hired as a CNA at the facility I reside in. My attraction toward him was almost instanious and I developed a rather strong crush on him. As time went on, the crush got stronger and stronger. As long as I got to see him every day, I could control it.
He was given a promotion in Dec. 2017 and all of the sudden he wasn’t around so much anymore. It wasn’t until then that I realized just how much I really did care about him. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was totally in love with the man! Ever since then that feeling has multiplied to such a degree that I honestly don’t want to live without him in my life. I think about him every minute of every hour of every day. I see his face in everything I do. I constantly hear his voice in my head. I dream about him in my sleep.
I understand that he will never feel the same way about me and that we could never be lovers, but I so desperately want to be his friend and for us to be a part of each others lives. We have had some deep conversations about it and he seemed to always understand. He told me time and time again that it was ok for me to feel the way I do about him. I’ve told him over and over that I was not trying to seduce him in any way. I have too much respect for him to do that. He would frequently stop in the hallway and give me a hug. Seeing him every day, even for just a few minutes, was all I looked forward to. Nothing I did or said ever seemed to bother him. I refuse to believe it was all an act.
He always made it easy for me to tell him exactly how I felt. In one of our several night time conversations, we sat on the love seat in the lobby, in the dark not even 6 inches apart. I told him that in spite of everything bad that happened to me last year, the one good thing…the very best thing …that happened to me was meeting him. I told him some of the things I admired about him…..the way he does hair, the color of his skin, his killer smile, the way he laughs, his sexy hands, his smokin’ hot eyes that make me melt every time he looks at me. I told him that he was a beautiful man, inside and out. I told him I loved him. He didn’t bat an eye. He looked at me and responded with a simple “I appreciate that”. When he left he gave me a hug and said “it’s ok, there’s enough love to go around”. I can’t describe what a wonderful feeling that gave me.
One night we were talking in the hall and as usual, when he was leaving, he gave me a hug. He even let me give him a kiss on the side of his neck. One of the nurses saw us and told the administrator. Even though it was nothing more than a friendly hug, he was told to keep a distance from me. The night he told me that was particularly painful. He had always looked me dead in the eye, but this time was different. The eye to eye contact we had that time was longer and more intense…at least to me it was. Maybe I’m completely living in dilution, but I felt like he wanted to tell me something but couldn’t. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he just won’t open up. None of this was a total surprise to him. He’s known how I felt about him for a long time. Isn’t it possible for 2 men to have an emotional bond without anything physical or sexual going on?! Of course, I’ve thought about how it would be heaven on earth just to hold him in my arms. It felt that way every time we hugged each other. I know that he’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself and he could knock me in the dirt with one punch, but I just want to wrap my arms around him to shield and protect him from all the hurt and bad stuff in the world. It’s like a gay big brother feels about his hot little straight brother…he’s nice to look at and I love him with all my heart, but I know I could never lay a hand on him.
It seems unfair that I can give and receive hugs from other people in the building. It makes me angry when I see other people do it with no repercussions. Knowing that he and I were singled out of the crowd for it makes me extremely angry! I could understand if I had tried to molest him or feel him up in public…or even in private, but that was never the case. We were just beginning to become really good friends. I’ve lived in a gay world for almost 40 years and I didn’t give it a second thought to kiss him on the neck. It just came natural to me. I’m sure it took him by surprise and I totally expected a negative reaction from him afterwards, but never got one.
It’s killing me not knowing what I did to cause him to be so distant all of the sudden! There’s more to it than just being told to keep his distance from me. Something made him change his whole demeanor towards me. Was it something I did… is he afraid of people thinking something about him that isn’t true….or is he scared of something else…something deeper? He says that we’re still friends and as much as I’d like to believe him, I don’t. He grew to be the most important person in my life. I would do anything for him…even take a bullet to save him. I gave him several Christmas and birthday presents. He didn’t ask for them and I never expected or wanted anything in return. I did it simply because I like him. I loved seeing the smile on his face when he opened them. Now he barely speaks and doesn’t even look at me unless he has to.
It hurts so much to see him or even to hear his voice from down the hall. The pain is almost more than I can bear. To add insult to injury, when I reached out for help with trying to deal with my emotions, I was totally dismissed by the social worker. “You need to grow up and get over it! You’re not in high school anymore. He told us that you need to stay away from him before he says something to you to get him in trouble” were her exact words! To think that after all the hugs and coversations we had, that he would say that about me destroyed me. I confronted him about it and he denied ever saying such a thing. I believe he was being sincere. Not only was her response a cold hearted one, but her lack of concern was, in my mind, totally unprofessional!! Not even a phone call was made in my behalf to any kind of therapist. WTF is she getting paid for?!
That response devastated me and only made matters worse. It sent me into a hole that I almost didn’t come out of. Finding out I was HIV+ didn’t bother as much as this does. For the first time in my life I actually considered suicide. I even went so far as to find a supplier on line to buy the pills to do it. I finally got the help I was seeking on my own, without any assistance from anyone in the facility. It makes me wonder how many other people have had personal, or emotional issues that have been swept under the rug or simply ignored. So much for all the “we’re here to help you in any way we can” bull shit?!
Some nights I still lay in bed and cry over him. Loosing whatever it was that we had hurts more than anything else in my life ever has. I’ll remember and think about him until the day I die…and beyond. I pray that he will remember me too…not as the crazy old fag in the nursing home that wouldn’t leave him alone, but as the person that cared more about him than anybody else in the world ever could. Even as just friends, I would have been so good to him. How ironic?…He was the main reason that I stayed here as long as I did….now he’s the main reason I’m leaving. I don’t want to cause him any more problems and to be honest I can’t handle seeing him every day with things the way they are now. Nobody can ever understand how much he means to me and how much I care about him. I miss what we had…what we could have had… so much. All of it destroyed over a simple hug between two friends…and because one of us just happens to be gay.
No matter to what degree….I want him in my life.
Autobiography
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