Do you know me…..have you ever met me before, maybe we have seen each other in the past, maybe we have crossed paths before…..maybe.For those of you who are unaware of my existence, let me enlighten you of my presence……lets begin……..I am a girl of fascination, I appreciate the art of love through kindness, kind acts, kind words…..kindness. I appreciate the dark, depressive aspects of the world …and of my life. Why? Because I’ve always lived my life through a dark outlet. I accepted the poison of negative self-thinking, so much so, that I ceased any hope, any effort, to look for a cure, because truth be told…there is no cure for depression, sadness, for pain….it’s part of what makes us human as corny as that may sound, it is indeed a fact. So I accepted my poison and made that the focal point of my life, of my ‘purpose’, which, according to my toxic thinking, is nothing. And to those smart asses, who already have a rebuttal answer to my pointless rant, save it. I’ve been there, done that. I have gone through the countless logical, rational ways of solving my low self-esteem. Let me show you a preview behind the operations of my mind, “you know what you need, you need self-care, that is all. Just go on a walk, get your health in control, take it slow, take it one step at a time, eat healthy, eat in proportion, do yoga, pray, medidate, socialize, take risks”. And I love the corny life-altering, crappy motivational quotes I get from people, “it’s not gonna happen overnight”, “patience is the key to success”, “the journey to self-discovery is constant”, “love happens when you least expect it”, “the journey to success requires practice, patience, and most importantly faith”, this one is my favourite “if you put your mind to something, anything is possible”. oh, don’t worry, there is a whole lot more where that came from, but I would end up writing out all kinds of examples endlessly. Sometimes I wanna say to these people, “look dude, I know you’re trying to help, but here’s a hint …(flipping the bird) f*** off !” Sometimes I wanna say F*** you to the world, F*** you to the bulshit ‘said-helpers’ and drown myself further in self-hate in a deserted corner of the world. Those who ‘try’ to help, have tasted success and growth, I have not, so the ‘push’ or ‘drive’ they have for themselves to seek further knowledge and growth within, is lacking in my department. Success….true…concrete success, is something that has only remained in my dreams, I yearn to taste growth within me. That’s the kind of success I’m after…growth. I have yet to, what motivational speakers reiterate, ‘blossom’. Those who have gotten results for their efforts, time and time again, keep moving forward and further in life.
Here I am, stuck in a time loop of misery and regrets. I should push my sorry ass off this bed of laziness, and do something, anything, because anything is better than doing nothing at all. That is ridiculous, and frankly shameful to witness. What in the world is wrong with me, why am I so f****** impulsive, and irrational in my decisions. I hate this tug of war within me, it is driving me to a state of insanity. I hate my fear to live a little, to sin a little. I hate my fear of committing to God, to give myself away to the Lord Himself and to trust in Him, completely. Let me do something, anything, let me move. Let me take an action, if it’s good , then great, if it’s bad, that’s fine too. I don’t want to sit like a freaking statue, looking like an idiot, for another second. I want to feel free to move and make my own decisions, I am ready to take responsibility for myself, I’m ready to live by myself, I am ready to grow.
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