this has been quite the journal for me. venting my emotions, and allowing others to read my internal struggle. this is another i wish to share.
Visions in my mind. Losing control. Visions of moving my body in ways that make super humans seem normal. A small momentary that causes my cup to over flow. Spilling over. Yet, not enough to knock over or break the fragile glass container. My focus the stability holding my emotions as the container. Emotions as the liquid filling the fragile container. The spout being a source of the liquid. Usually, a small insignificant problem or situation causing small drips; but, in other scenarios the faucet fully opens creating a downpour.
I have seen family members die in front of me. I’ve held the lifeless limp body of a best friend whom had just hung himself. I have been chased by bandits looking for a good time to punish someone they don’t know. Many times any normal person would lose control and all sense of what it means to be human. For me, however, I have kept my calm demeanor. Unnatural behavior under extreme circumstances. But, snapped after that one smug comment from a nobody with no influential biase to me or my life.
The void that contains the container, also playing as the self preserving sensor. The moment a single drop of over flow or raging overflow occurs, the sensor activates the self preserving lever.
To protect its self, the lever is activated to levitate volume of containment. The levitation is my act of rage. A fire or heat is the most effective way to alleviate energy. To burn. Thus, I burn my rage as form of energy. Destruction is the best form of energy release. There fore I destroy anything and everything.
After a nuclear bomb, there is nothing. No trees. No bird. No noise. No buildings. There is only emptiness. A cold hollow wasteland ready to rebuild. In my case, an empty cup ready to refill.
I have yet to find a better way to cope with anger and emotions. I have found other ways to prevent my cup from filling. Emotionless has been another option. However, being a robot to life makes the world incredibly dull. Including me.
This way of life has created something else now. A creature of rage. A creature of love. A creature of logic. Am I finally becoming human? I feel urges to tear people to shreds for their selfish indiscretions. I care too much for humanity and don’t wish to hurt others. I think of my scenario and consider if I am being selfish myself. Too much time figuring out myself. It creates a strange sense that only opens the faucet of confusing emotions even more. Over flowing my container sooner and sooner. I fear eventually the cup will break.
Why did existence hold us back? Or is it humanity that holds us back?