Over the next few months Jay and I fell into a comfortable exisitence. Every night I cooked us supper and over wine we made plans for the future. It was soo easy being with him. He was my best friend and my lover. I can only recall my days with Jay as happy and my nights in his arms as loving. I never imagined a time we would not be in each others lives. And in most ways I was right. We were somehow in each others lives till that night we both left this world. But even then, in death, We were together. Him and I. Always Jay and I. But this is not the love story about us. I dont know perhaps it should of been. Yet my love story takes a very long detour and ends somewhere unexpected.
No road in my life however seperated Jay and I. Because when I met him I truly think it was meant to be. He was a forever in my life. Even now, today. But I couldnt let my story end without all of it being known. There was a love story. A very real one. That got cut short. And its abrupt ending has left some deep scars. Ones I want to try to heal if I can. Because that fateful night I died just wasnt the end to my life it ended five other lives forever and another life stuck living in hell, carrying a guilt he should not be carrying. I cant live again. But dont you see, he can…Roman can live again. For all of us. So this story is about him. The love story is about Roman and me. But in telling that love story I have to tell you about the love I had, do have, with Jay. For believe it or not they seemingly blend together. I know it doesnt make sense now but it will. And then I hope you understand that I loved them both, oh so much, that I couldnt just tell you about one and not the other. I was lucky enough to have met and loved just not one, but two great men in my short lifetime. For sadly I was only twenty six when I was murdered. And eight and a half months pregnant. Yes. I was carrying a blessed love child. But I suppose I am getting ahead of myself. It still hurts soo badly to think of our baby not getting the chance to be born. Perhaps if our child had lived life for Roman would of been soo much different. But one can not exisit in the ‘what if’s’ of life. Even if they could save you a ten thousand tears.
There never was anything that truly went wrong with my love realtionship with Jay. It was as close to perfect as one could hope for. But my pursuit of my acting career would put undue pressure on our time together. Making it harder to sustain the closeness we both treasured. Being so far away on location of my next movie, The Vampire Killers, was the start of the end. If you had asked me I would of said that Jay was the love of my life and I was going to marry him someday. We had planned to live outside of all the hustle and bustle of Hollywood, off by ourselves. Just us, family, and friends. And a bunch of children running around. So many plans between us both that neither him or I would ever get to see transpire.
But, once again, hollywood came calling. This time for a role in a movie called, The Fearless Vampire Killers. It was being directed by a great screen producer I had only heard of but had never met, Roman Polianski. The only draw back being that I would be far away from Jay and for even longer this time. But Jay, who always supported my dreams, of course told me to go. Sometimes here lately I kinda wish he had said, ‘No. Dont go’. Maybe then things would of turned out very differently. But we never do know these things ahead of time, Do we? So I put on a brave face and packed my suitcases. Not knowing this trip would be such a huge tipping point in my love life. Up until then things had seemed real smooth. Easy. The way they should be. I guess I have always been the ‘go with the flow’ kind of girl.
Jay drove me to the airport, both of us lost in our thoughts. I knew his quietness all too well. He was trying to hide how he really felt. But I knew. We were alot alike in that way. I reached across the car to grab his hand. “What am I going to do without you?”
He kissed my hand. ” It will be okay. I will come visit.”
“You promise?’
He smiled. “I promise.”
As we pulled into the parking lot my heart sank, I didnt want to say our good byes. Not yet. “Come with me now.” I leaned in to kiss him.
He kissed me long and hard as if he was considering it. “I wish I could.” He kissed me again.
I laid my head on his shoulder. “I know you do.”
We sat there watching all the people coming and going till I would miss my flight if I didnt leave. But I wanted my good bye to be here private from the world.
“Okay. Kiss me again and tell me you will be miserable without me.” I stood on my tiptoes so we were eye to eye.
“I will be completely heart sick.” He wrapped his arms around me.
I closed my eyes and leaned into him, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” He swatted my behind. “Come on, you are going to miss your flight.”
“Lets just let this be our goodbye here.” I grabbed my suitcases. “I will call you when im all settled in at the motel.”
“Sounds good. Bye babe.” His voice was gruff. Like he was trying to not show me how upset my leaving made him.
I waved then turned towards the entrance of the airport. Willing myself to not turn around. And run back into Jay’s arms.
General