I don’t know. I don’t fucking know why I did it. Nothing was wrong u know? I mean I wasn’t sad; I couldn’t even cry. But I wasn’t happy either. Was I looking? Looking for some kind of feeling? Maybe I just thought I should be upset I mean look what I have done. I’ve made two different people fall in love with me. And for what? So I could continue playing games and secretly love another? Love one who doesn’t love me back? All I keep thinking Is what have I done, why do I continue to do these things? I make anybody available fall in love me. I think I’m in love with the idea of someone being able to like me so quick, with just a few fake words that roll of my lips and they come and stay for a while. Trying to get as close as possible. But they never make it. I always have another one. But I want one. One that doesn’t want me. One that I’m scared to be with and another I’m not sure about, he could be using me but I just push the thought away.
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I’m not sure if you’re in high school or college, but, honestly, just be honest with the guy. It will cause you so much less stress, because at least you’ll know either way. Tell him how much you like him, and make him choose. If he doesn’t want to be with you, or if he’s playing you, then he doesn’t deserve you.
You should also think about the repercussions for the two boys you (for lack of a better phrase) are stringing along. You might be in similar situations. Treat them how you want the guy you’re actually in love with to treat you.
I think upon a few years form now, you should read this to yourself and laugh at how much your views have changed. This is young love at it’s finest. If fact I can’t call it love. Love is a mutual give give. There is no take in love, only receive. There is no make in love either. Love is a force that can’t be forced. If there is not a foundation of honesty, than expect the same hollow longing each and every time.
I do appreciate your position as I have played your part on the grand stage. I feel you, and I know you will see your way out and be a much stronger, enlightened individual.
Keep contributing to Noah please, I enjoy your work.