Worked on something creative today, I think it helped. I’ve spent a lot of time going over the darkest parts of my memory, it’s been difficult to say the least. It’s sad how sickness can pull you into the worst questions about what we deserve. But today I love you and miss you at the same time. Memory is strange, is it not? I know it’s typical to have those moments when we forget the bad times and remember the good. They say we can’t take it with us but I’ll imagine perhaps we simply sent it ahead. Isn’t that weird hoping the future has a better life; this wistfulness of a place or time we may not experience? So often it has felt like I’ve given away the best parts of myself, questioned who they were good enough to give them to, but maybe that only my way of rectifying this left over feeling of not being good enough. What is the balance between humble and confident? Not questions so much as observations of my own thoughts. Today I feel love almost like a secret that I smile at my daughter, friends, husband. Today I’m grateful for the memories of myself that I haven’t felt in awhile.
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