I’d like to fly,
into the sky,
do you really,
wonder why?
Of course I do,
do you too?
I’d like do it,
all with you.
Partner and friend,
until the end,
together we go,
around each bend.
Love of my life,
end to my strife,
that beautiful face,
my devoted wife.
I can see,
you’ve stayed with me.
together forever,
that’s how we’ll be.
And that is why,
I’d like to fly,
high with you,
into the sky.
Poetry
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This is such a sweet, genuine declaration of love! I adore the entire whimsical vibe that this work gives off. As the narrator divulges why he wants to fly away with his companion, the reader actually feels as if they are soaring. The language is so lighthearted and endearing that the reader really cannot help but be overcome with this sensation of weightlessness. For example, phrases such as “Partner and friend / until the end” and “together forever / that’s how we’ll be” demonstrate that the narrator truly cannot envision a world where he is not with this special someone – that they are meant to be, forever and forever. I think that my favorite stanza of this poem is the fourth one: “Love of my life, / end to my strife, / that beautiful face, / my devoted wife.” It is not only completely swoon-worthy – capable of sweeping any woman off her feet – but also it is extremely evident that the narrator is irrevocably in love and thus,even the reader just gets absorbed in the passion of it all. Well-crafted and effective – BRAVO!
I do have two suggestions for you. First, I am curious as to why the narrator wants to “fly high” “into the sky” with this special someone. While it is obvious that the narrator simply wants to spend the rest of his life with this woman, you should make it clear why the sky is their destination. Why is it that they cannot spend the rest of lives on the ground? What is the significance of the sky? Because it offers solitude? Because everything and everyone is away from them and they can live and love together in peace? I think that it would be beneficial to the poem if you provided this insight because it will give the reader some clarify – and also, it’s the perfect reason for an additional swoon-worthy stanza that will strengthen the work as well as send the reader reeling.
Furthermore, I noticed that, throughout the poem, basically every line ends with a comma, even when the comma is not necessary. For example, in the first stanza:
“I’d like to fly,
into the sky,”
Seeing that neither of lines are nonessential clauses, there is no need for a comma after “fly” nor “sky.” In fact, “I’d like to fly into the sky” in an independent clause/full sentence, so really, it could/should be written like so:
“I’d like to fly
into the story.”
Although I can understand that you might want to be consistent with the comma for aesthetic purposes, personally, I found it very distracting because, for me, the comma indicates a pause. You are insinuating that there should a break in a particular place. However, considering the floweriness and elegance of the words, I feel that the sentence should be more free-flowing and fluent, so I would advise that you omit the commas unless they are absolutely necessary. (Again, if this is purely a creative choice, then you can of course keep the commas. This is just my subjective opinion and preference.)
Overall, I do think that this piece is a work of art, for it has the greatest potential to make the reader feel loved, and more importantly, to compel the intended recipient to grab the narrator’s hand!