I saw something today that reminded me of you. It was just a Facebook quote but it made sense to me. It was something like when you start healing you stop being chosen and start choosing. You always said that loving is a choice and I understand now. I am choosing you. You can ignore all these changes I am making but you cannot not feel them. I just know it. I can’t explain how exactly and I remain ok with that. I want to be really clear I want your love and I want it forever. I don’t want to be confusing or vague or equivocal. I do not want to change my mind or hide from how I feel. My joyfulness ebbs and flows through the normal course of life, but my love remains. So much I would do differently if I had gotten sober sooner. But here we are. I enjoy loving you even if it is a bit of torture to miss you. I think you would like me if you met me now and we weren’t 20 years into this thing. It has been a blessing to learn self forgiveness and God’s love. It has also been a blessing to meet a whole lot of people who have fucked up as much as I have and who have suffered from the same spiritual deficiency that I did. They love me and I love them. They root for me and I root for them. What I would give for you to look at me like they do. So welcoming and so familiar and so proud. In my heart I know if I went out today and resumed drinking and came back into the rooms that they would look at me the same. Because they know me like really know me. And I wonder if we will find it in our hearts to look at each other like we used to when we meet again. Because we do know each other spiritually, don’t we? I am still working very hard on my trauma responses in therapy. I have a full team now but I know it will be up to me and you in the end. I believe in you and in me, but I cannot forget how quickly we step on each other’s feelings. How easily we turn on one another. It feels different this time and I dare to hope. But I can’t read your mind. I understand you aren’t ready to talk to me. And I will wait patiently. There is so much work to do, after all. Hell, I have even started talking to my exes and if that ain’t a miracle I don’t know what is! So I guess I believe in miracles now. I am one. And we will be too if you take my hand. And you will. I hope it is sooner rather than eventually, but I know you will. Destiny is funny like that.
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