Hey! I am writing a narrative, and I am in urgent need for help to revise it. Please read below and comment giving any feedbacks on things that could be stronger or clear in the paper. Thank you.
As I ran across the tennis court, I could feel the heat from the sun warming my skin and the droplets of sweat welling up on my forehead. My eyes were wide open, focused on the incoming ball; my arms and legs were moving in a fast, synchronized motion; and my heart was a pounding drum, beating in my chest. I gasped for air but couldn’t get any. I just kept running, breathless with anxiety and fear, as fast I could to where the ball was about to bounce. Then I stopped, positioned myself, and swung my racquet against the ball, hitting it with all my strength. But I missed the shot, and the same thing kept happening: the ball kept flying away anywhere but my opponent’s side of the court for the next eighteen points. For each of these points that I lost, the fear grew bigger—the fear of disappointing my coach, teammates, and parents who were watching in disbelief. This was a typical situation during my last year playing for the Osceola High School tennis team. I lost that match and many others. But from all these losses, there was one thing that I won, which taught me one of the greatest life lessons I ever had.
It was the middle of my senior year, and I had just decided to play one more time for the OHS tennis team. Since I had played such an incredible season during my junior year, I thought this season was going to be the milestone of my high school life. When the training sessions started, I worked hard to improve my physical condition and technique. Every day, I went for exhausting runs and made sure to eat properly. Eventually, I felt like I was playing better than ever before. In fact, I was doing so good during the training sessions that there were rumors that I was going to be moved up from my current ranking and replace the number one player on the team. But the opposite happened once the matches started. I was faced with so much pressure within myself that I became extremely anxious and nervous every time I played. So I end up losing consecutive matches while all my teammates won them. As a result, my coach dropped me one position from my ranking, and I became the number three player instead of two. My teammates tried to cheer me up, but nothing they would say could make me feel better. I was depressed, unmotivated, and frustrated because I did not know why I wasn’t winning any matches.
Not until the middle of the season that I found out why I was losing so much. I had to play a match against the number three player of Lakeland High School, which was one of the best high school tennis teams in the state of Florida. During that day, I just wanted to play for fun, no pressure or anxiety affected me. When I stepped into the court, I felt unstoppable. All of the three fundamental tennis strokes were working in my favor: my serve was precise, my forehand was strong, and my backhand was more powerful than ever. The match was extremely disputed and lasted more than three hours. If there was ever a possibility for ties to happen in tennis, that match would have been one. But there was only one person that could win, and that was me. I beat the other player by a slight difference of two points in the tie breaker. I was surprised, and so was everyone else watching because no one from my team won a match that day, except me. On the ride back to school, my coach said, “congrats, not because you won, but because you finally played your best game without worrying about the outcome.” From the moment I heard those words, I realized what had been my biggest flaw when I played a match. Instead of playing my best and having fun, I was always worried about losing.
Shortly after this event, I decided to take a different approach when playing tennis games. From that day on, every time I stepped on the court, I was going to play assuming I had already lost the match. By doing that, I wouldn’t have any reason to be worried about defeat, because, in my mind, I had already been defeated. Ironically, this new strategy—though bold and insane—worked for me. I could play my best without being affected by any fears. Thus, I won every single match after this change, and I was even able to medal for the number three ranking that year. Reflecting on this experience today makes me realize how losing all those matches summed into something more meaningful. It translated into a life lesson that I will always carry with me: do your best, work hard, and have fun but do not worry about failure—failure is just a step to becoming successful.
Narrative Nonfiction
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The biggest critique I can give you is a big one: show, don’t tell. I know how cliche that sounds, but it’s true. You’re telling me a story here, but I can’t see it. Where are the five sense? What does the tennis court smell like (because you know they have a very distinctive smell)? What does my sweat taste like when I lick my lips? Go line by line and make everything active.
Here’s some examples of what I mean:
Don’t say “I missed the shot.” Instead, say something like “I focused on the ball and swung my racket, only to have it fly through the air, missing the ball entirely.”
Don’t tell me that the fear grew bigger. Literally, don’t say the word fear. Show me that he’s fearful, don’t tell me. Describe what he’s feeling. “I imagined my dad, a glass of single malt whisky balanced in his hand, staring at me with that ever-so-slight crease in his forehead as I told him of my poor tennis game.” Not only is intensely detailed, it gives us insight into the father and his relationship with his son. It’s become a scene instead of a sentence.
“But from all these losses, there was one thing that I won, which taught me one of the greatest life lessons I ever had.” Take this out. If we read the story, we will inevitably understand the lesson he learned. Have trust that your reader is smart and will understand what your intention.
Don’t say “I worked hard to improve my physical condition and technique,” say “Every morning I woke up t 5 to run 4 miles before school, and at lunch I’d lift weights. One week I wore my tennis clothes to school every day so I wouldn’t have to waste time changing before practice.” Now I can actually see his dedication.
This is a good sentence you have: “All of the three fundamental tennis strokes were working in my favor: my serve was precise, my forehand was strong, and my backhand was more powerful than ever.” But the rest of the scene lacks tension because I can’t see it. Describe the match. Spend 6 paragraphs on images and description. Make me care abut the character.
You end with “failure is just a step to becoming successful.” Take that line out. Make sure the story tells it instead.
Thank you so much! Your feedback is very helpful.
This is a great start. Reminds me of one of my first stories. A lot of people wanted me to switch up how I wrote, but when they changed or wanted to change my writing, it didn’t sound like me. Take critique with caution.
As far as the story. It does sound like a narrative and that there were a few life lessons along the way. You write with an adrenaline.
When writing, there can always be more edits. My only recommendation though, (because if I try to edit, it will only sound like my style or word choice) would to read this again, paragraph by paragraph fast and slow.
There a couple kinks, but just like with tennis, you gotta find what works for you.
While I agree that when people edit others’ work, they sometimes offer ideas to make it sound closer to their own work. However, I think the suggestions LindsayB made were really helpful. It’s actually a lesson I’ve learned in my college writing classes. Yes, she gave examples, but he doesn’t have to use those specific sentences. Her main point was to show, don’t tell. You’ll find comments like that in any worthwhile workshop. I think just saying a work has a couple kinks, rather than telling the author specifically why the piece isn’t working, is doing the author a disservice.
Absolutely. I do think that some people do well with all kinds of input.
In my college years, everyone was expected to write in the same formatted fashion.
Once publishing becomes a viable option, the learned lesson of saying what you meant the first time holds its own significance.
Wouldn’t want someone to lose their voice, that would be a disservice.
Yes, I know there are probably several issues, especially with word choice and grammar. Writing is something completely new to me. Frankly, this is only the third narrative I ever wrote. This is why I wanted the feedback from someone more experienced that could guide me and identify some of the mistakes I can’t. There are many lines in this narrative that I know that should not be even there or don’t flow very nice. For instance, when I wrote “I gasped for air but couldn’t get any. I just kept running, breathless with anxiety and fear, as fast I could to where the ball was about to bounce.” Every time I read this sentence, I can feel there is something odd about it, but I still haven’t been able to fix it. Well, I guess this is part of the process. I know I will overcome these challenges eventually. Anyways, I appreciate your feedback, and I agree with it. I will certainly consider it when revising this paper.
Here are a few noticeable edits,
‘So I *ended up losing consecutive matches…’
‘On the ride back to school, my coach…’ maybe start a new paragraph. New paragraphs allow for breathing room. Also describe the car ride a bit, was the window rolled down? Were your other teammates in the car? Your coach is about to let you in on some breakthrough wisdom, maybe build that up a bit by magnifying the atmosphere or tone. Here’s an example, ‘ On the rise back to school after finally settling into a match, my coach turned around from the front seat to lay some knowledge down.’
Doesn’t have to be the exact words, but by building up the quote from your coach, it makes the reader know that in the next paragraph, where you talk about adjusting your approach to each match, that your coaches words instilled something for you, and that the reader knows by the build up that they’re about to read a significant part of the story.
‘Shortly after this event…’ could now be written as something more than an just an event. Such as, ‘after those defining from the match…’
Those are just a couple things that I noticed. Some writers write with breathing room where they enjoy maximizing words used and addages. I am just trying to work with what you’ve got first, then fine tuning.
Keep us updated and we’ll all be excited to see the changes and how our feedback impacts your writing.
Thank you one more time for your feedback. This one will also be very helpful. Yes, I will be doing a new post once I finish revising this narrative.
I liked you story very much.But as Franktank said take the criticism cautiously for some of their comments might want to change you.And don’t change yourself because being different is a good thing.But still listen to it.:)
your story oops type too fast