Welcome to my world of depression, heartbreaks, abandonment, loneliness and maybe even neglection if you want to call it. I am not asking for a pity party, i just hope my audience reads this and understands that we have to struggle first to appreciate the beautiful things in life and to truly understand what happiness is all about. And to anyone who might feel sadness in their heart and feel like this will never end; it doesn’t rain forever.
November 3, 2016
Well, here I am now. Wondering how it could be I got myself into this situation. So far away from home and from everything and everyone I know. Though I am still with family I can’t help but feel hopeless. I’m drowning in this pool of indecisiveness. I lost it all. I’ve moved a total of 7 homes these past two years. 6 different families. Im tired of being unstable. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep the first month of moving in. im tired of feeling lonely. Oh im so fucking tired of calling a home wherever I get the chance to lay my head. I become more and more depressed each day. I look at my journal entries from 2014 and we are almost at 2017 and I still feel the same damn way. Its never ending tornado of feelings in my heart, it aches and breaks with each move. I can not be happy or better myself. Is this what real depression is? Feeling hopeless even though you have amazing people who love and care for you. I could possibly never end up homeless because of them but though I am fortunate to have somewhere to lay every night, wether it be on a bed, couch or floor; not the streets, I still feel as if i was on the streets. The pity, the sorry people feel for me is ridiculous. Tears run down my cheeks everytime I write and I cant help but create these salty rivers down my cheeks and chest. My pillow is soaked and it hurts more to cry. I am torn; emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I lose touch with myself everyday more and more. I get angry at myself more and more, at the fact as to why I am like this. I feel I keep repeating myself but God it hurts so fucking bad.
-Short expert from a book i am writing. I have been writing for 5 years now and i understand there is a lot i have to do so advice and input is very much appreciated!