i don’t know what to do, she’s leaving… maybe not today, or tomorrow, but she is leaving… … I.. and I don’t know if there is anything that I can do, or what to do if there is anything that I could possibly do… maybe if I had done things differently.. maybe i was too much one thing or another without realizing it… and yes, we where three… now two.. plus one.. and the one leaving.. I .. I wish I could accurately describe to you how much I love her.. I don’t know why I’m as attracted to her as I am.. I do love the other.. I do.. but.. it’s different.. equal.. but.. different.. and those two loved each other once upon a time.. at least I think they did.. things happened.. maybe I could of prevented those things from happeneing.. maybe not.. maybe I’… I don’t know.. maybe I don’t know how to love, maybe I don’t know what it is, or what or how to be in a relationship.. maybe I am just to be alone forever.. I wonder how long until the other will leave me.. one way or the other.. she hasn’t been well either for a while.. but I worry about her leaving me.. either suddenly or gradully as she has been.. maybe I was too clingy to the one that is leaving.. maybe I was too direct or incistant in my feelings towards her.. or.. maybe.. maybe she never really wanted anything to do with me in the first place… I am a pretty pittiful piece… I don’t feel like I was ever able to satisfy her sexually.. or that she was really all that attracted to me physically.. couple times.. .. couple times she did come to me.. and I tried… I TRIED!!!!… maybe my heart isn’t good enough to make it work.. it hasn’t worked right in years.. but.. try to tell a doctor.. hey.. something is wrong.. … nah you’re fine.. here’s your bill.. it seems.. maybe if we had tried more times.. maybe.. I could of learned how to please her.. I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I’m such a failure in keeping those that I love happy… I don’t know what to do.. if to do.. maybe she will be happier.. maybe it is that it’s just since we moved, that nothing is in walking distance.. and driving isn’t something she does.. maybe that is it.. maybe.. or maybe it is as I said earlier… why would she want anything to do with me… why would she want anything to do with… me… I don’t think it will matter for all that much longer… I haven’t felt well in a long time.. and it’s been worse the last month or so.. but.. I don’t know what to do.. so I get up and work.. and push through.. and hope.. … … for what it is worth, I love you.. always will.. and there’s not a dam thing you can do about it.. so you just have to let me sit here… and type.. and… and.. try to get my feelings out to this computer screen… and feel like everything that I have worked for.. towards.. is falling apart.. that it has been falling apart.. that, just like I’ve thought.. I have failed.. I have failed.. i’m sorry… to my father, who believed that I could of done all of this.. that I could of made this house a home.. to make this house work.. the business that came with the house.. work.. all of it.. … falling apart.. well.. I tried.. am I giving up.. giving in? … I.. I don’t think so.. but.. a part of me just wants to end.. to stop.. not die.. no.. not die.. but.. just.. finish.. … to stop pushing.. to stop fighting.. through the pain.. the fatigue.. the exhaustion… .. I don’t know what to do… if there is anything I can do.. … I do thank her for the last two years.. for making me the luckiest guy.. for letting me feel that I am.. something.. someone.. … even if it is entirely likely that she was just here for the other, third person.. to our triangle.. that it is possible that she didn’t really want anything to do with me.. … but I guess that is something that is just there.. in the pit of my stomach.. a part of me feels like smashing things.. whatever things I have of physical value.. just smash and burn.. and walk away from the ashes.. I’m sorry, to her, for not being what she needed to find happiness here.. i’m sorry to the other her for not being supportive enough or.. helpful in the right way to let her be happy here.. so this could all work out.. if that is what is the cause of all this.. i’m sorry to my father for being an utter and complete useless worthless failure… … I don’t know what to do… one foot in front of the other I guess.. try to keep something … anything from falling down.. … .. DAMMIT.. I don’t want her to GO!!!!… please … i’ll do anything… … ..
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