You speak to me with words
While i speak to you with feelings
Your soul’s bright like the moonlight sky;
while you look down upon me in darkness.
The walls that you built to protect me;broke down!
The barriers I built,broke down the moment I lay my eyes on you.
How could I confess,when the only thing you said was to maintain your composure?
Was this your arrogance or obstinance,I just couldn’t tell.
All you did was tell me that I didn’t understand love.
Little did you know that I had been deeply,madly in love with you.
I laid my heart bare.What other price did I have to pay?
But you failed to know the truth and constantly believed the mask that I wore.
Even God would look down upon us and have a tear in his eye!
Notice how the world around us has changed?
Or is it just you that has changed?
The clouds rain down upon us as it lets the secrets unfold.
What a precious thing,you said love was.
Have I turned blind by your love or by the darkness of your soul?
Do not ,then ,turn away from love;
Lest keep away from your words.
Poetry
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Wow. I love the original style you’ve written this piece in. Poetry with themes of romance and love often portray the narrator as devastated and shattered. While there’s no denying the heartbreak of this character, they maintain a sense of boldness, dignity, and defiance. This entire piece has left chills down my spine, especially the line “Even God would look down upon us and have a tear in his eye!” At this point, I have no idea who “you” is, but I feel just as angry as the narrator at him or her. Captivation of the reader achieved.
The only thing I’d suggest is to remove the extra commas in some of the lines. I’m assuming a few of them are there to allow the reader to take a pause and keep the rhythm of your piece. If this is the case, I’d move it to a new line. For example:
“The walls that you built to protect me; broke down!
The barriers I built, broke down the moment I lay my eyes on you.
How could I confess, when the only thing you said was to maintain your composure?
Was this your arrogance or obstinance, I just couldn’t tell.”
Could change to…
“The walls that you built to protect me broke down!
The barriers I built
Broke down the moment I lay (laid?) my eyes on you.
How could I confess
When the only thing you said was to maintain your composure?
Was this your arrogance or obstinance
I just couldn’t tell.”
Aside from that, this piece was absolutely beautiful!
Thank you so much for your guidance and support.I really appreciate it!I will edit this passage first thing in the morning!
Yes,the commas have been placed to allow the reader to take a pause and keep the rhythm of this piece.As far as the ‘narrator’ is concerned ;it’s a girl.