In a world where no one saw anything, no one really did see anything, yet what they saw, was the least important. They barely looked up from their own worlds to notice the world of a little girl falling into the abyss of loneliness and uncharted shark waters. she woke, to what she normally does, a foot in her face and police sirens in the distance. She turned around, she was in her head, she talked too much but not about the things she wanted to talk about, which is why she talked to much. makes no sense but makes all the sense if you really think about it. why her, why did no one wake up when it was happening. It had to be impossible to sleep in a room with more than 4 people and no one woke to catch what was happening, which made her think, they all knew what was happening and was letting it happened, why say anything. why care, just die already. how? how do you die? what is dying? she thought this same thought every time she woke up to a new day.
An a new day it was. no plans, at 9 she should not be worrying when the sun go down. so she didn’t. she ran in the kitchen to get cereal. The kitchen, there was always food, but not to much to eat in/on or with, searched for a bowl, and found one that looked passable, a spoon that had a little rust on it, but it would do the job, now lets cross the fingers for milk and sugar, to have one would be great, but to have both would be awesome! no milk, mama got a problem with that.. no sugar, you could get by, but the brothers eat and drink everything up and the older girls pushed and took. she refused to use their names in her head, she didn’t like them. she felt invisible except when she wasn’t. She found everything! Yay! its going to be a good morning, now for the tv, one in the living room, get it. a door opened in the background. She sat still, she heard footsteps. Girl, what you doing sitting so close to the tv, it was moms boyfriend, he was loud but otherwise paid her no attention, unless she was fighting with the boys, then he was her biggest fan. She had no feelings toward him. She lost interest quickly, she turned to the tv, Stephen King misery was playing, most kids would be watching cartoons, not her she watched everything scary from the moment she could work the tv. The little brothers always cried. She watched as if she was an apprentice of whoever was doing the bad deed.
She heard someone come up behind her, he walked past where she was seating on the floor in front the tv, she took a deep breath, when she saw it was one of her older brothers, he went straight to turn the tv, He turned to look at her, no one is watching that this early, go put some clothes on, he yelled at her
leave it alone! I got it first! She yelled back, and I don’t have any, she answered as she stood there in nothing but underwear that was falling off.
go put something on, you getting to old to walk around like that, he yelled at her and shut up before you wake up lurly.
she didn’t know what he meant, she always walked around in underwear, sometimes all day. most times the underwear wasn’t hers, she never owned any for her self, she walked to the one of four bedrooms, she started looking in the pile laying on the floor, she found a shirt and some shorts, she didn’t know if they were hers, but they fit, so she put them on. she went back to the living room.
go outside! he yelled at her.
You go outside, she said in defiance, she stood up, she was so little for 9, that most people thought she was 6 and her brother had no problem reminding her of that. he walked towards her with his hands curled into fist.
she wouldn’t back down, he knew that, he would have to put her in pain, she never backed down.
I’m not fighting you, just go outside, he gave in when he saw she wasn’t backing down.
MA!MA!MA! she screamed as she ran towards her mama door.
what is all this noise for? her mama ask, tying on her robe. A small woman, short curly hair, honey brown skin, kind of chubby in the middle, but no wrinkles, pretty, some people couldn’t believe she was a mother of 8 children.
He took the tv, she yelled
lurly, nobody wanna watch people killing people, something wrong with her. I wouldn’t have changed it. lurly! he yelled back
lurly short for lurline, for some reason, all the kids called her lurly, I was the only one that called her ma.
Girl, what have I told you about that mess? she turned to ask me.
don’t ma me, go outside.
nobody out there, its hot. she ran to out the front door, she decided to do what she always did, sit in the hallway window and watch.
She lives in the projects,two and three story brick buildings, some with one hallway, some with two, which had 6 units in each, 2 apartments on each floor. She didn’t go outside, she didn’t like people and she always said something or did something that would make other kids hate her instantly so she didn’t have friends. She could hear her sisters up and moving around and ma, fussing about cleaning the house.
Her oldest sister, Tammy, short for tomitha-dad is timmy. 2nd sister, letty, short for lettimae-dad is timmy, 3rd sister, rosita-dad paco, 1st brother-jaydin-dad paco, 2nd brother brosch-dad paco, me, lalai, dad-unknown-not paco-not timmy-random,1st younger brother-lineal-dad paco, baby boi-short for mario-dad paco.
She always felt invisible. she was 9 not deaf, blind or stupid. she heard what they said about her and unsure who her dad was, she felt alone in a room filled with many. She sat there and watch kids start come outside.
wanna play rope? she was being asked,
she turned to see twee, a girl that was at least 4 years older than her coming down from the third level, she was dark brown, short hair, pretty smile and mean as a crocodile let her sisters tell it.
yeah, I can play.
okay, you have a phone cord in there, she asked looking towards the the door that lead to my house.
no, we don’t got no phone.
yall don’t never have nothing, Ill get one from someone else, you can still turn. come on.
She moved out of the window, she didn’t want this girl to hit her, fighting her brothers were one thing, fighting outside, was a new territory and was scared shit less, but tween just ran down the stairs, she realized she wasn’t being waited on. she also thought she didn’t like the scared feeling. she didn’t like it all and she had to make sure it didn’t happen if she met someone else new for the first time. she followed twee down stairs.
so, we couldn’t find any rope, what else you want to do? she asked twee,
I don’t know, that’s all I ever do,
well, why you don’t have a rope? she asked
if all you do is jump rope, why don’t you got a rope? honey, asked again
Im’ma punch you in your face, twee told her looking at her like she hated her in that moment
honey, looked at twee, she thought of what was just said to her, the words ran through her mind, over and over; Im’ma punch you in the face, if my brothers did that, I would attacked, but this girl is known to beat up anybody. her heartbeat was beating fast, she waited to see if she was going to get punched, twee came close and she didn’t know she was going to do it, she raised her hand, curled her fist and swung, she hit twee right in the eye, she yelled, and reached down picked up a brick and hit twee in the head, she hit her over and over again, twee fell down, she was bleeding and not moving, she stopped, she threw the brick down and ran.