I miss you. Someone asked me once recently why I love you. They cut me off after about 20 minutes. I wish I could tell you all those things then maybe you would understand. Sometimes we punish each other for who we used to be. We forgive each other but we don’t forget, can’t forget. I know we can’t go back. But I believe we can still have everything we dreamed of at first. Don’t you remember? How innocent we were when we first fell into this, how beautiful our dreams of what we could be were? Now we know the best and the worst of each other and nothing in between. Sobriety is such a double edged sword for me. The more honest and the more connected I become to myself, the more I want you. All these years of trying to earn your trust and your heart back and sometimes I don’t know if I can do it anymore. It hurts, and I have no escape from my pain now. One of my favorite lyrics is McMurtry’s at the end of the rope, there’s a little more rope most times. It describes hope so perfectly. Do you really not know what’s inside me after all these years? How beautiful my heart is and that you are its core? For that reason only sometimes I think you are just as jaded as I am. And that’s not who we are meant to be. Did we do our best? Have we tried our hardest? I don’t think we have. Hope floats if we let it. We are crazy about each other. You know it. I know it. But we spend time quibbling. I know I ran away so many times. You have pushed me away a thousand more. But we are still crazy about each other. Just jaded and prideful and hurt. And we can do so much better than that. I can do better than that. I want your love. And I will keep finding the rope at the end of the rope until you tell me to stop.
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While reading this I kept going back and forth in my head. Is this person talking to themselves or are they (you) pondering on a lost love? For me, it was both. Without even knowing each other, I feel like I can deeply relate to your experience. This was worded extremely well for a mind in conflict with itself or in longing for someone lost.
Thank you for your thoughtful and kind words. I wrote it thinking of someone special that I miss, but I think you are right that it is both.