He pulled the trigger and it was done.
Relief from remorse there would be none.
Nothing he could do to make this right.
Never would he sleep another night.
He had been wronged, and that part was true.
It didn’t excuse it. He’d wronged too.
Fleeing the scene, he had run to hide.
Damn him, and damn all his foolish pride.
He knew inside it would do no good.
His feet took him deep into the wood.
Waiting, thinking, that was someone’s son.
If he could go back. Not buy the gun.
When they brought in the dog, he was caught.
His greatest sin, and it was for not.
Now he spends his days inside a cage.
He’s racked with guilt, and ravaged by rage.
Well aware that it’s what he deserves.
The greater punishment is his nerves.
Shame takes over, he’ll never be loose.
Late one night his own hands tie the noose.
Poetry
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I just want to say how gut-wrenching and tear-wrecking this poem is. It deals with topics – crime, sin, and shame – that are both foreign and relevant today, and I truly believe that the manner in which you approached them was searing as well as beautiful. The imagery throughout the poem is simply stunning: easy to visualize and even almost physically undergo. For instance, lines like “His feet took him deep into the wood,” “When they brought in the dog, he was caught,” and “Late one night his own hands tie the noose” are incredibly scenic and sensational. I can see the situation unraveling before as if I am watching a movie, and that’s precisely what you want when you are writing a poem such as this: you want your audience to be able to play it all out and understand not only the disastrous circumstances but also the turmoil surrounding them. There are also a number of lines that really resonate with me because there is just so much humanity within them, compelling the reader to really feel for this said criminal, such as “Damn him, and damn all his foolish pride,” “Waiting, thinking, that was someone’s son,” and “He’s racked with guilt, and ravaged by rage.” Obviously, the character committed a permanent and unforgivable felony, but he did not walk away under the conviction that his actions were justified. He knows that there are consequences that go beyond himself, and this very detail urges the reader to see him in a different light. Crime or no crime, he is human and he has a heart – it’s just that his instinct to move and survive dominated at first.
I do not have any problems with the structure or flow of the poem – I believe it is very stylistic and fluent – but there are a few grammatical errors I feel compelled to point out. The poem is brilliant and the message is potent, so the last thing you want is for the journey to be impeded by mere mistakes:
1) Add a comma between the words “remorse” and “there” in the second line. “Relief from remorse” is an adjective phrase, so there should be a comma before the essential part of the sentence.
2) For the 11th line, you could remove the comma after the word “thinking” since the common phrase is “to think that.”
3) Add a comma between the words “night” and “his” in the last line. Again, “Late one night” is a prepositional phrase, so there should be a comma before the essential part of the sentence.
In writing this poem, you demonstrated the human side of a villain, and that is always an engrossing tale. Bravo!