“Dude!You should really try out for the baseball team!I mean,who wouldn’t?It’s the best sport for you!”Nancy clapped with a heavy expression.
I put my papers in my backpack and head for the door. “Why won’t she stop talking?” I mumbled to myself.
” Hello?I was talking to you Ashlyn Charlotte Marie!” I turned around,in shock.
I grab my right hand and put it with my left. ” I know I heard you,” I let out a burning sigh,” But that doesn’t mean you can yell out my full name like that!”
Nancy stood big and tall,and waited for an answer that I wish I hadn’t given to her. Nancy laughs,” Now you know how I feel when you ask me questions and I get annoyed just cause of it.”
” Ugh fine,” I put my right hand on my chin as if I was thinking,” I would like baseball,perhaps if I do you would stop asking so many questions.” I gave a smirk.
“Well,thank you for the answer.” Nancy coughed and walked the other direction. I stared at her,surprised she didn’t know where the exit was,she’s been here since freshman year.
I point to the actual door and say,” The door’s this way Nancy,I’m sorry if you had forgotten,a lot of people forget.” I pick up my things and head out the door.
“Why,she always gets what she wants!” Finally,she turns around and walks the right way,grunting the whole time and murmuring things that don’t need to be said.
It was after school,and I just got off the dirty yellow bus that drove me home. I walk up my shing metal stairs up to my apartment. I live all by myself because my parents died when I was the age 12. It was hard because they were always there for me…and they gave me everything..
(to be continued)
Creativity
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Hello!
I like what you have so far, but it might be good to add some context to this piece. I can see what you’re trying to do here – leaving the details cryptic so they can explored in the next part – but it makes the plot of your story a little confusing. For example, the statement “Why, she always gets what she wants!” comes out of the blue. Besides Nancy being a little chatty, it seems her and Ashlyn are friends. If that statement is meant to show jealousy or fake friendship between the two, maybe add some details with body language or facial expressions to show tension? Or even a sarcastic tone or passive agression works well too. Of course, if I’m reading to much into it this, disregard this suggestion. However, it would helpful to add some clarity for readers! Good job!
why thankyou, i like how u told me ur amazing opinions to make it better,I didnt add that much detail because I was in a rush with this story,usually I take my time,and it at least takes me a half hour to think of a story,im glad you liked it and ill make a part 2 but better and with the details as best as i can 😀
I would definitely be interested to read more of this story. The title “Secret” initially drew me in and I am curious to see how it applies to the rest of the story. The last sentence made me especially interested; before then, it just seemed like a conversation between two people but then we got a hint of the story of the narrator. How did Ashlyn’s parents die? Also, this is just something small, but how old is Ashlyn? I am guessing she is still in high school because she took a school bus, but she probably would not be living in an apartment by herself at that age, she would most likely have a guardian.
I really enjoyed reading your story! I really want to know more about your main character. I really liked how you titled this chapter of your work, “Secret” because it makes me wonder if her secret is her living in an apartment alone. Keep going this is a good start!