You don’t understand the hurt.
The constant feeling of emptiness.
You don’t understand waking up every morning.
Going down the quiet stair case.
Making coffee and rubbing dust away from your eyes.
You don’t understand how much I’ve cried.
You don’t understand the lengths I’ve had to go to
not think of you.
You don’t understand the amount of time I’ve spent wishing
I was in her place.
Wishing I was in the ground instead of her.
part of me feels like you blame me for what happened.
All of it.
Including your loss.
Part of me feels like you think I caused the loss.
Like I was the murderer.
But you wouldn’t know how much I’ve wished and prayed to
take her place.
You don’t know how many bruises are on my knees from being on them praying
for God to take me instead.
And the amount of faith I lost in the process because he didn’t listen to my cries and begging.
You wouldn’t understand the scars on my body.
or the amount of confusion in my mind.
You wouldn’t understand the regret and the thigns I’d take back if I could.
Maybe you would understand if I’d just open my mouth… But alas,
it will remain shut.
Because as much as you wouldn’t understand me,
I don’t understand how you can go on with your life without the person you vowed to never be without.
I will never understand. Because I struggle every day without you.
But you’d never know that.
You don’t seem to care to know that.
I cant talk to you because everytime I try…
I cant help but feel you wish I weren’t alive.
like im just a huge burden in your life.
Like if I would just die, you could move on and be with whoever you wanted without the guilt.
im sorry im alive.
I truly am.
Maybe soon God will hear my cries, and hear my pleas and do as I ask…
im sorry, but im alive…