You seem really mad and sad, and I don’t understand. I hope everything is ok and you are getting everything you need. I am trying to find my way. It isn’t going that great but there are bright spots, and tonight was one of them. It had been awhile since someone besides you had made me smile for real. It made me believe that maybe I would be ok. Good friends that I wish I got to see more.
I want to be angry at you cause you are being mean, but you just seem really hurt so I can’t. At this point, I guess I can’t really be mad at much anyhow. What could you do to me that isn’t justified based on how I have done you? I love you so much and all I want is to get closer, learn more. But I feel like we are getting farther away and I don’t know how to flip the tide. It is hard because in some ways I don’t know you at all and in others I know you so well. When I say you are perfect, I don’t mean in the shiny, happy kind of way. We know each other better than that. I just think you are perfect for me, for us. You say I am wrong but maybe that is just because you don’t think I am perfect anymore. I remember when you did. I don’t really know if I am coming or going with you right now, and I know this is the point when I would have bailed before. But I told you, I would rather be trying with you than succeeding with anyone else. I guess it is not the same for you, and that’s not my place to judge. But I love you and I miss you. I am working so hard to overcome the things that hold me back in life. And maybe it is too late but I’m trying anyway thanks to you. I remember back like 6 months ago and I didn’t even want to be alive. I had dropped out of therapy because I didn’t want to be saved. Every day was a punishment to be served. Then I remember back 2 months ago when I thought we were gonna be together forever for sure and how ecstatic and hopeful I was. I am somewhere in between I suppose now. Your eyes are dark and your smile is haughty, and you are lying. It scares me cause I know no holds are barred when those signs are present. But I am hanging on because I think that you are so special and that our love is so special. People used to say that you just put up with me because you felt sorry for me and that stuck with me. It was something I could understand I guess. Whereas, that you could love me was always too far fetched. I want to tell you all these things. I want to tell you how sorry I am. I want to cry on your shoulder. I want to make you laugh. I want to touch your face and tell you I love you so you can see my soul and know that I mean it. I want to be inside you so you can understand that I may be shy but I am not shallow and I am anything but ashamed of how much I want you. I want everything and I want to give you everything. What did you say? There’s a soul out there that yours is meant to find to set your spirit free? You’re that for me. I am sorry if it has been a burden. And I pray that I am that for you, but if I am not I will understand. I just wanted you to know because I was reminded a couple of days ago that tomorrow is never guaranteed.
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