Flashing back
I’m a deer in the headlights
clear throat, swallow, look up
were the stage lights always this hot?
i don’t think so but I can barely even focus
It’s the first performance and
i feel my stomach twisting like it’s trying to escape a knife
but I have to act
my throat is blockaded by fear
but I have to act
I clear a space on my tongue for the words but
they are crispy and burnt, choking me
with rough edges as they come out of my mouth
the song is already ruined but the music plays on
I stumble over the rest of the words,
Words of a song I wrote myself
My throat was an ally but
it betrayed me at the worst possible time
I finally finish and step out of the spotlight,
face burning and palms shaking
The whole world stares
I’m a 5th grade failure, a disappointment
I avert my gaze, closing my eyes and clenching my palms together
In a way that the audience won’t see them
I have failed
But I am onstage
And the show must go on
Now, I feel that old flash
That tightness in my gut
and sweat on my palms
I’ve been fine for three years,
Maybe a little tired but
still holding on
Searching for utopia but only finding a library
Holed up in past mistakes and current failures
But still holding on with a loose grip
Until they open their mouths
and unleash their poison
and i feel my hands clench
once again
I’m a deer in the headlights
clear throat, swallow, look up
were cafeteria fluorescent lights always this bright?
i don’t think so but i can barely even focus
i’ve never heard those words before and
i feel my stomach twisting like it’s trying to escape a knife
I can’t let them see what they’re doing
i have to act
My mind races for a way to look like this is rolling off me
I have to act
I clear a space on my tongue for the words and
they are round and full
with no edges, no pain, except if you bite down
and the bitter taste of them rises to the surface
I’ve stumbled into this
and I don’t know if i will be able to escape
My throat’s allegiance has stayed true
but it leaves its trace
and they back down but my gate stays up
Ready, waiting
for the next spotlight
Poetry
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