My lack of motivation has haunted me in the past months. I’m constantly beginning projects just to abandon them. I’m forcing myself to write an article for this newspaper that I so excitedly joined. I’m confused as to why my ambition is so temperamental; it’s incredibly frustrating. I’m always encouraging myself to move forward, but my progress is abhorrent. Despite being able to list numerous challenges I’ve tasked myself with, I can’t truthfully say that I pursue any of them rigorously. I want to be the best version of me; I want to become a person of quality, and yet I consistently contradict this aspiration with my ceaseless gluttony. I’ve made myself a superficial wonder, but in terms of real growth, I feel as though I rarely accomplish anything.
As I write this article, countless obligations invade my conscious, but I most likely won’t act on any of them. My Latin dictionary lies in front of me; I’ve been studying for months now – a feat worthy of admiration, or so one might think. Although I’ve been taking lessons weekly for almost six months now, I can’t help but think I don’t know enough. I’ve recently signed up for a French class after weeks of contemplation. I’m forcing my responsibility to mean more by connecting it with my transcript. It seemed to me that if my acquisition of French affected my GPA, I might be more inclined to pour over my lessons. Bonjour, je apprendre le Francais. I’ve claimed that I’m learning French, in French, more times than I’ve opened my lesson book. I barely get by with my current average, and I don’t yet know why it means so much to me. Could it be that I’ve been conditioned to value my education? Am I really that troubled by the heaps of homework residing in my bookbag?
I’m convinced that I’m capable of so much; I’m drowning in expectations. I want to be a “doer”, but I spend most of my time within my own mind. I’m a great thinker, but what does that even mean? I don’t want to shove my life aside anymore. I don’t want to spend weeks of my life accomplishing nothing. I want to be more productive. I want to wake in the morning with determination and purpose. I don’t want to feel like I’m just going through the motions any longer. I want to be happy with myself in reflection. Moment to moment euphoria isn’t good enough.
I want so badly to declare myself changed in this conclusion, but doubt consumes me. Maybe I’ll begin with defining my priority – starting with this article.