One crisp, refreshing, cool, and invigorating day, a very enthusiastic, bright, and stunning man in his early thirties, who has a face that is very distinctive, bold, delightful, charming, vibrant, and fascinating, with an extreme touch of manliness, suddenly notices a precious young girl of 23, and lovin’ it, ready for the next birthday to come. They fall in love at first sight. They hold hands and feel a mutual sensation of love and affection. They sip lemonade from the same cup in the delightful sunshine, simultaneously enjoying this amazing spring day. As his endearing eyes gaze into hers, they begin a perfect moment, leading them into a heavenly mood. Quinn shows an engaging expression of innocence and perfection, beaming from She beholds sparkling green eyes. She is absolutely dreamy, cute, and cheerful, and everything about her is amazing to the man whose name is Jordan. The girl’s name is Arianna Quinn and she is an incredible girl. She is perfect yet not a perfectionist! Jordan and Arianna Quinn have the most exciting and wonderful lifestyle. Their relationship is nearly perfect, and complete, with a perpetual sense of trust and unconditional love and care for each other. They always have an amazing time, and never get bored. They are so glad to be making all of the right choices! Jordan’s glowing eyes are an iridescent shade of bright hazel and brown with a slight tint of glistening sepia. They have a deep attraction that goes beyond what the eye can see. Jordan is very intelligent, tolerant, enthusiastic, kind, understanding, encouraging, accepting and supportive, and innovative. He is very boyish, playful and funny. They talk a lot about what fascinates and intrigues them. Arianna got to 17 years old and figured out how to stay there forever. 17 was practical and suitable for her to live with for a lifetime. Only, since she wasn’t 21, she couldn’t go to the night clubs and drink, so she acted really mature and got away with it. So she used her mind to change her appearance to make her appear to be about 21, and acted really confident. Arianna is an optimistic and deep thinker. She solves all of her problems with her intuition. She rationalizes and strategizes to deeply benefit her life. The world revolves around her mind and essence, because she always knows what is meant for the world. She loves to eat, and she loves to make love to Jordan. They have the best and most gratifying sex that anyone could ever have. They never run out of things to say, and enjoy doing the same activities in different ways. Jordan loves to read, and so does Quinn. They write down how they feel about life and their relationship together. Every week they eat out for dinner. They go to Fridays and always get the same thing. Arianna Quinn always eats macaroni and cheese and fried zucchini, and an Oreo milkshake, and Jordan has a cup of coffee with caramel flavor in it, a baked potato with sour cream, bacon bits, shredded cheese, and broccoli; and he gets green beans, a diet Dr. Pepper and a mint chocolate chip scoop of ice cream for dessert. She read people’s minds and she made bad things disappear. Ever since she was 17 she figured out different ways to heal the sick, dissolve pain, raise the dead, induce weight loss, make people young again, feed the hungry, and make food and beverages and things appear in front of her. She taught Jordan how to use mental powers. They have a lot of fun together. They do amazing things, and the world is only getting better and better. They watch figure skating on TV, and Charmed, and The Office. They are positive people who love to love others and give them perfect advice, to get their life started in the right direction. Arianna Quinn loves cottage cheese and Greek yogurt, and Jordan hates it; along with coleslaw and sauerkraut. They play duets on the piano, and sing. A girl named Angel was heartbroken and lovesick because her recent boyfriend of 3 years dumped her even though she tried to work it out with him. Quinn used her mind to make the perfect boy for her; she utilized her intuition. This boy she named Tom. Tom had charming and endearing emerald green eyes, a cute nose, full mannish lips, bright white teeth that are perfect for his face, and elf-like ears. His first words were “I love this situation! Angel is perfect for me! Now let’s get us some ice cream.” So they got it, and they talked for a while, and they matched so well that they ended up getting married 3 months from then.
Arianna loves to hug Jordan. She hugs him over and over, and they play like puppies. She is talented with sketching; she always had an eye for detail, and was very observant and her drawings were always amazing. AQ had a trampoline when she was 9 years old. She jumped up and down on that thing until she ran out of breath. She loved the sensation of jumping higher and higher until she got tired. She has amazingly perfect manners, and she eats slowly and savors each bite to enjoy the taste without being gluttonous or like a slob. She is into exercising because it keeps her up and running and she likes to maintain an ideal weight. She is now 5’9’’ and weighs 135. She enjoys playing basketball, and water-skiing, but she has never had the courage to sky-dive. Jordan is so intrigued by science. Arianna understands and is interested in philosophy. Arianna is attracted to the Italian men. She loves cheese steaks, and Mountain Dew. She relishes going to the movies and watching fun motion pictures. Jordan and AQ go swimming in their pool in their backyard, and they are good swimmers. They are just like a fish in the sea. They love to dance. People don’t realize how much Mother Nature is involved with every little thing in the world. She prepares and gives the ability to new parents to be ready to take care of their child and be set for life to treat them well also. She enables many people to have the approved mindset to drive well, and the intuition and maturity to drive right. When she loves someone enough, she uses her sixth sense and insight to figure out what that person has always wanted and could never receive and gives it to them. They play tennis every once in a while, and Arianna is especially very well-coordinated. She always does well and is very competitive. She excels in school with straight A’s and some B+’s. She always does her best job at everything that she does in school. She usually has all of the answers to all of her questions, and she follows her own advice. She sometimes helps students with their work. She finishes all of her homework on time, and loves it. Quinn is a hard worker. Jordan is really smart too. He likes science and Social Studies. He always was really into photography. He takes photographs of nature; sometimes trees, flowers, insects, animals, lakes, the sun, dead leaves of all colors, and freshly fallen leaves. He goes all over the world taking pictures. AQ plays the piano and records it and makes CDs of her music. They purchased clothing, shoes, CDs, an electronic piano keyboard, a bed spread, a months’ worth of groceries, and Xbox along with Xbox games to play together. They sometimes watch movies (the decent ones). They attend the water-park Surf’s Up every summer, and love all of the waterslides! Every now and then they ride on rollercoasters at the regular theme parks. They are often apprehensive because of the free-fall feeling. Arianna always looks at the big picture. Jordan is Southern Italian, and Quinn is Irish and German with foxy green eyes and soft features that are sweet and feminine. She and Jordan love to play basketball and she is very good at almost always getting the ball in the hoop over and over again. She loves to listen to good music in their living room, and dance like crazy. She has super human powers, and wants to be the world’s next biggest super hero. She has a Sun Conure named Mango, and she always plays with her, and talks to her all the time. She and Jordan love that sweet bird. They taught her to sing “You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine.” How impressive, I must say! They let her have popcorn, strawberries, banana slices, and sunflower seeds. Their lifestyle is and always will be perfect! They feed her mango flavored water-ice, and she loves it. They let that parrot fly around the house from perch to perch. She takes daily naps for as long as she feels tired. Jordan and AQ cuddle with their bunny rabbit, and stroke Mango’s head and kiss her belly, and she has lots of toys in her cage. When AQ plays her piano she has steady rhythm, good syncopation, and good inflection, and she is full of stamina and plays so vivaciously. She would sometimes read and write. Jordan and AQ are married. Okay, so, the first person A.Q. ever made lose weight with her mind-body action was Vivian. Now, Vivian was considerably overweight,(weighing 280 at 5’7″), and AQ used her powers to suck out all of her fat from underneath her skin, and make it disappear and blocked it from coming back under normal conditions, and as long as she kept certain foods out of her diet. When her grandmother Louise died she had courage and confidence and her deep sense of compassion and love raised her from dead to alive. Louise was so happy. People came to her in crowds asking to be healed of various diseases. She always could do things to help, sometimes with the help of God. God always supported her and gave her what she needed and was a magical God also, doing the seemingly impossible.
Mystery
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You have quite the imagination! I really enjoy a strong protagonist female in a story and Arianna Quinn provides that by using her magic powers to resolve serious problems for people. I was wondering though how she gained her powers or was able to figure out how to harness them, perhaps I missed something. Throughout the piece you have impeccable spelling and versatile diction, great work! I might suggest structuring the story a bit more sequentially with more fluid transitions because at times it’s a bit disjointed. Sometimes large blocks of text can be daunting for readers, so be weary of that. Consider breaking up the text according to the different scenarios where Arianna Quinn works her magic on people, with each person getting their own blurb. It might also be to your benefit to elaborate on the setting beyond the fact that it’s spring.
Here are a few notes:
1. You really are keen at providing details, however, listing many adjectives back to back in one sentence detracts from the effect you’re trying to create. Some words are very similar in the opening sentence so perhaps narrowing down the most applicable descriptions would be more effective.
=== One crisp, refreshing, cool, and invigorating day, a very enthusiastic, bright, and stunning man in his early thirties, who has a face that is very distinctive, bold, delightful, charming, vibrant, and fascinating, with an extreme touch of manliness, suddenly notices a precious young girl of 23, and lovin’ it, ready for the next birthday to come.
2. This reads very well, excellent job! I would only change one word.
===As his endearing eyes gaze into hers, they [share] a perfect moment, leading them into a heavenly mood.
3. The first sentence is confusing because of the use of ‘She’. Also, now we first learn the character’s name is Quinn, but then you introduce her as Arianna Quinn. Later she becomes Arianna, then AQ, A.Q., then back to Arianna or Quinn or both. It’s important to establish a character and their nickname early on so the reader doesn’t experience confusion wondering if they are all different characters.
===Quinn shows an engaging expression of innocence and perfection, beaming from She beholds sparkling green eyes. She is absolutely dreamy, cute, and cheerful, and everything about her is amazing to the man whose name is Jordan. The girl’s name is Arianna Quinn and she is an incredible girl.
4. How did she figure out she could stay the same age forever? She is eternally 17 and looks that way but can alter her personality to be older is how I understand it. Early on though she was 23 so I’m a bit confused. Also, because of the fact that Jordan is in his thirties and she is technically a minor, some readers might find this disturbing especially considering the current revelations in society of sexual misconduct, so I would be careful with that or just make her 18 and then it becomes more acceptable in Western cultures.
===Arianna got to 17 years old and figured out how to stay there forever.
5. When beginning a sentence with a number it is written out. Also, what makes 17 practical and suitable? Remember to provide the readers some context.
===[Seventeen] was practical and suitable for her to live with for a lifetime.
6. I really liked how they are trying to make the world a better place, but I would have loved to know what they are doing in order to achieve that instead of learning about what TV programs they like. Here’s an opportunity to transition from a proclamation to an example, which would create better flow.
===They do amazing things, and the world is only getting better and better. They watch figure skating on TV, and Charmed, and The Office.
7. Because the ‘a’ precedes months’ that makes it singular, but by putting the apostrophe after the ‘s’ that signifies it’s more than one month.
=== a months’ === it should be [a month’s]
8. I always recommend introducing any type of religion or spirituality in a piece from the outset because here it’s the very last sentence and seems like an afterthought.
===She always could do things to help, sometimes with the help of God. God always supported her and gave her what she needed and was a magical God also, doing the seemingly impossible.
I think you’re off to a really good start, keep up the hard work! Thanks for contributing