Riley Matthews is sitting in his car with his long dark hair tied in a knot on the top of his head. He’s an attractive young man with striking blue eyes and fair skin. Riley is waiting on his girlfriend Cindi to finish up inside the store; he’s eager to be off and see where the day takes them. Cindi Summers steps out of the store and into the sunshine, she’s a tall girl with slender legs and long brown hair. She’s smiling, but Cindi is always smiling, she looks over at Riley knowing he’s anxious to leave, he’s always looking forward to getting her alone these days.
Cindi pushed her hair behind her ear and slid into the car. Riley looked over at her, and she met his eyes with her own for a moment before he allowed them to drift to her breasts. He smiled and pulled out onto the road still not sure where he was heading. They drove on for a short while when they came to a busy intersection and as Riley sat fingers tapping, waiting for the light Cindi spoke.
“This is where my mom had her accident.”
“Right here, at this intersection?” Riley asked
“Yeah, that’s how I met you. I drove out here to see where it happened; I can’t even remember why. Cindi said remembering more about meeting Riley then she did about getting closure. “After I stopped here I went up to that market where you worked and.”
“And the rest, as they say, is history babe.” Riley chuckled and placed his hand in hers. “I’m sorry about your mom, though, you never told me about that before.”
“It’s okay, it was a long time ago, I don’t know why I mentioned it.”
“Hey, I know we’ll go up past the pool and just relax,” Riley said tapping his shirt pocket where a couple of joints waited. “It’s always deserted up there.”
The young couple sat side by side, as they traveled north along the road; passing by the local employee-owned food market, ice cream shop, and the soon to be out of business video rental store. The windows were down, and a warm breeze blew through the car; accompanied by the smells of summer, fresh cut grass, honeysuckles, and barbequed meat. Riley brought his arm in from outside the window and flicked the turn signal. He turned off the paved asphalt and onto the old gravel road; leading them past the community pool, the pond, and the abandoned Robertson estate.
“That pool down there looked pretty empty,” Cindi said.
“Yeah, I’m amazed it’s still open, guess it’s just waiting to close down like the rest of the crap around here.”
“Maybe instead of going up to the pavilion we just go swimming?” she asked.
“I didn’t bring a swimming suit, and I doubt you did either hon.”
The gravel crunched under the tires, as Riley drove around the Robertson estate and past the wood beyond, before veering a little to the left and continuing back to the pavilion. Riley parked and sat for a moment, car idling, as the sun’s warmth radiated down through the open sun-roof striking a tiny crystal, hung on the rear-view mirror throwing off a rainbow of colors. They bounced up into Cindi’s face, and she glowed. Riley smiled back at her realizing how beautiful she was and felt lucky to have her here next to him. Riley, still smiling at her, leaned and kissed her cheek; shutting off the engine as he turned away.
“I don’t think you would want to go swimming there anyway,” he said.
“Oh, and why is that?”
“It’s just well not a very pleasant place to spend the afternoon.”
“I think it looks like a fine place to spend the afternoon.”
“I’m sure it does but take it from me when I say it’s not.”
Riley and Cindi got out of the car, and as they walked away the windshield frosted over; the grass withered and died. The path to the pavilion was overgrown and wild; thorn bushes lay waiting to ensnare an unexpecting victim. Riley failed to avoid one of these bushes and uttered a short curse, as it tore into his leg leaving a small stippling of blood. Cindi spotted the pavilion up ahead; the wood was ancient and warped, and all but the stubbornest bits of paint had chipped away long ago.
“Yeah, this is an ideal way to spend an afternoon,” Cindi said.
Riley seemed not to have heard or devoted no attention. He was preoccupied thinking his own thoughts, and none were pleasant. Why he brought Cindi out here he didn’t know; Riley disliked this place, he considered it disturbing, and it was rumored to be haunted. Without looking back at her, Riley invited Cindi to come to his side. He stood looking down the hillside through the trees and brambles; his eyes dull and empty, as he stared sight drawn and fixed on the pond below.
“Want to hear the local urban legend?” his voice was dull and lacked the tenderness Cindi was accustomed; his smile no longer seemed genuine. “The story is that this place is haunted by the spirits of the twelve children who disappeared in 1975 from the pool to the Robertson estate, and the pond. People claim to have heard children playing where there were no children, and some of the kids themselves would swear that they were invited to go into the woods by disembodied voices. The lifeguards, at the pool, tell stories about trying to pull kids out of the water and feeling someone or something pulling back.” Riley said.
Cindi shivered as the words left his mouth and for the first time she felt the terrible wrongness of the place. She wanted to go wanted to grab Riley and head back to the car and get out of here, but something held her firm like a powerful magnet that was unwilling to let go.
“These, of course, are just stories, you know, urban legends the things kids tell each other to freak themselves out sitting around a campfire late at night. The facts, though, they speak for themselves, and the facts were that twelve children did go missing in 1975, Eugene Roberston did abandon his family a few months later, just before his wife Joyce died in childbirth, and James Sr. was away backpacking across Europe or something like that.
“What happened to the daughter?” Cindi asked.
“I’m not sure, as far as I know, her part of the story ends there. I imagine she was put up for adoption or taken in by the state.” Riley said this as if it were also a matter of fact. He continued “James Sr. came home a year or two later to find his dad gone and his mother died. I don’t even know if he ever knew about his sister. He took possession of the estate, married, and had a son of his own.
“The year his son was born, I think it was 86’, was the same year some kids broke into the pool and turned all the water red. That was a big deal it cost the borough a bunch of money, and they weren’t pleased having to close for a few days in the middle of the summer. The stories continued after that and culminated with James Jr’s. drowning in 2004. Then two years later while doing some renovations in the basement, James Sr. came across a hidden crypt containing the remains of the twelve missing children.
“After that, everyone even those who didn’t believe in the supernatural started to say that James Jr. died because his family was cursed. You know the idea the sins of the father and all of that.” Riley said. “Then, in 2006 James Sr. broken-hearted, bankrupt, and dealing with a dozen lawsuits took his own life.”
“Is that it?” she asked.
“Yeah, pretty much, I mean people still say they hear things or see things but who knows. What I do know is I was ten years old the summer that James, Roberston Jr. drowned. He was only eighteen. Not that much younger than you are. No one knew then, why he came out here that night, and it only got stranger from there.” Riley said.
“I remember that it was on the news, it upset my mom,” Cindi said. Cindi shivered and attributed the chill to the memories.
“Do you remember what came next?” he asked.
“No, I only remember the boy drowning, and my mom being distraught when she saw the story. The whole thing happened a few months before her accident; she and my dad were arguing a lot then, I think it was over a letter, I’m not sure. I might not remember at all if she hadn’t been so upset.”
Riley and Cindi stood facing the pond, the sun high above shining bright and warm, unaware of the approaching storm. The trampled path behind them yellowed and grew, sending arms up to the sky, what was a moment before an annoyance to traverse was quickly becoming a barricade. The vines inched their way closer, overlapping and knitting together, their thorns protruding from every angle. A chill crept into the air surrounding them, and Cindi’s skin went all gooseflesh and the hairs on her arms stiffened.
Cindi stared at Riley and then to the pond. The feeling of wrongness was stronger now, and she could feel a chill creeping over her entire body filling her with dread. “I think I would like to go. This place is giving me the creeps.” She said. The sun was still bright in the cloudless sky, and Riley stared at her as a shade washed over them. She heard someone laughing behind her and started to turn when Riley choked.
“Something is wrong.” He said. “I can’t breathe.” Riley forced the air into his lungs and was mortified when he let it out and saw the breath escape his mouth. “Cindi I can’t move my arms; I can’t move at all.” Riley pleaded.
Cindi spun her head around toward the laughter and saw nothing. Another shiver ran down her spine, and she reached for Riley who was shaking like a man caught naked in a blizzard. The air around them continued to grow colder, and she could feel herself being surrounded, could feel their eyes crawling over her body. Cindi wanted to scream, and maybe she did, but she heard nothing. The world was going dark around her, and even though she could still see Riley’s lips moving there was no sound as if someone hit the mute button.
Riley felt paralyzed his heart beating hard and fast he thought it might burst right then and there; dead of a heart attack at age twenty-four that’s what his obituary would read. He managed to turn his head in Cindi’s direction and wished he hadn’t. He could see the overgrown path reaching out for her the spikey vines crawling closer, and yes, he could see the children a dozen of them pushing out of the bushes moving with great purpose. Riley was convinced he had gone insane.
As the horror drew closer he felt Cindi shift, her face bathed in terror, as the hands of the dead closed around her arms and legs. He watched, unable to move, as they pulled her away from him. Cindi’s legs kicked out striking the empty air and still, they bore her down into the brush. The jungle twisted and writhed before her and then, like Moses parting the sea it opened and stretched out the pond. His eyes followed not able to believe what he saw and, then she was gone, as the grass fell back into place he heard a splash. The water rippled out and was still.
Riley stared panic-stricken as Cindi disappeared the back of his neck was red and burnt and he realized he could feel the heat of the sun pounding down on him. His shirt clung to his sweat-soaked body, as his hand reached to his burning neck. When his fingers touched the sunburnt skin, it was like waking from a dream; he stumbled forward and caught his balance, before turning and sprinting towards his car. He didn’t mind the thorns as they needled into his skin, in fact, he relished each prick thankful to be alive.
After running, for what seemed like an eternity Riley burst out of the brush and leaped towards his car. He reached for his keys and thanked God; they weren’t lost in his dash for freedom. He wasted no time throwing open the door and pushing himself in, and, in his hurry knocked his head against the side of the door. The car fired up on the first turn; he slammed it in gear and fishtailed pulling onto the road.
Riley sped down the hill, flying past the pond, glancing over as he went. In the road, before him were a couple of teens, and he thought “going to check out the Robertson place” and then swerved hard sending the car flying into a dense patch of trees flipping over twice before coming to a rest by a large rock. The crash thundered through the hills, and the kids in the road stood and watched as the car went up in flames. The oldest of the boys walked a little closer and saw a pink bag that wasn’t there a moment ago. Cindi’s purse had been thrown from the car and holding her belongings filled him with a sense of terror and dread; so, he dropped the bag on the ground and ran to his friends, where they waited for sirens to come.
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Oh wow!
Did not see that coming, which is a good thing but at certain times a bad thing. First of all I want to say I love mysteries, haunted stories, and “who done it’s” so this story was very much welcomed. My main concern is I thought I was heading into a young adult love story, but instead I ended up reading the first fifteen minutes of a horror film. Maybe this is just me, but I like when things are alluded to. When there is a haunted story, forshadowing is the best thing you can do. So even in those moments where Riley and Cindi are doing their normal couple stuff, you can drop more hints in the story that this couple will potentially be in danger. On the contrary, I do like the beginning and how these two are introduced; I felt like I got a very good idea of who they are.
Also, (maybe this also just me) how does Riley not know that his girlfriend’s mother died and then I read it like he just brushed that little piece of information off. I just feel like as her boyfriend, even if they are in the early parts of their relationship, should know those things. Also, I would like to know what was the importance of you telling us that her mother died in a car crash? Was it because it was forshadowing that Riley would get in a car accident in the end? If that’s not the case, I wouldn’t introduce that info. I would focus soley on this haunted mystery and making sure that idea is beefed up (being that it is the main plot).
If you’re planning on extending it then go for the mom angle, but seeing that it is a short story pour all your energy into one issue.
I would like to say I only read it once, my opinion would probably be more valid if I read it three or four times. But I want to say awesome story and once you give it two or three more revisions it will be incredible. Work on some of the punctuation and grammatical stuff and you’ll be good!
First, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my story. I’m glad you found something to enjoy; it was fun to write but at times a real struggle.
As to the foreshadowing, there is a bunch of rewriting and editing still needed. After, spending a couple of days, I was happy to have something resembling a finished product.
Cindi made a choice not to mention her mother’s death for her own reasons. What I think is that she is still trying to deal with what happened. The reason I included that bit of dialogue gets lost a bit in some of the errors I made and showcases where I failed to convey a point. The single biggest mistake I made is in a bit of dialogue between Riley and Cindi, as he is recounting the Robertson story she interrupts and asks “What happened to the daughter?” I failed even to mention it was a daughter; it got lost in the rewriting.
Cindi’s mother Sharon happens to be James Sr’s sister, and the crash is only important because after James Jr drowned in 2004, she reaches out to her brother who had contacted her previously (Cindi’s mother and father were arguing a lot then over something Cindi didn’t understand). When Sharon goes to see James, she endures much of what Cindi did, but she managed to escape at least for a moment before driving away in a panic and rushing through a busy intersection killing her. Riley dies much in the same just speeding away from the scene of the horror.
I believe I need to add something somewhere to make that a bit more obvious. I have some ideas one idea is to include a prologue of a phone conversation between James and his sister, and the other is to add a few lines at the end… He picked up the bag Cindi Summers daughter of Sharon Summers deceased sister of James etc. Another idea that I’ve been toying with is simply changing the title from The Pond by the Pool to something more on par with the theme Sins of the Father, maybe.
I hope I didn’t mislead you too much, though, I like the idea of it coming as a surprise, and I enjoyed going from an idyllic summer afternoon to a day of horror and death because as they say life turns on a dime and you can never tell when your time is up.
If you have the opportunity, I’d be in your debt if you could highlight some of the grammar stuff; I’ve already seen a few but, sometimes new eyes see new things.
Thanks again for taking your time reading my story and your feedback is much appreciated.
Girl, these are some incredibly cool ideas you got going on here and I’m sure once it all comes together this will be something ready for a short story publishing magazine.
Your story was really good. I was pulled in with your descriptions of Cindy and Riley. I loved how you described Cindy as a person who is always smiling. It makes me think that even though she appears happy on the outside, she is actually really struggling on the inside. Perhaps it is her mother or maybe her boyfriend, Riley. From the start I knew Riley was not a good person. As the reader I could tell he only wanted Cindy for a sexual pleasure. (I suggest to really show this to your reader is to rewrite the part where Riley holds Cindy’s hand in the and have him put his hand on the inside of her knee.) You did a great job building Riley’s character. I also loved the 12 ghost children and how they took Cindy into the water.
Your story was fantastic; however, I have a few critiques. I suggest going back and rereading the James part. I was really confused, at first, that he was the owner of the house. Along with that, I suggest to rename James Jr. As the reader I was confused. Also, the ending felt super rushed. Slow down and add some description of the children.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s funny that you mention having Riley place his hand on her thigh because as I was writing that scene, the idea was there to do just that. I don’t mean for him to come across as only interested in the physical side of their relationship and for me, it was more about the intensity of a new relationship or at least a relationship new to sex and the way couples seem to burn with more passion in the early stages. I think most days Cindi would have welcomed his advances or even made some of her own, but it was the supernatural magnetism of the place contaminating her mood.
I’ve been giving a lot of thought since I posted the story to name changes and some clarifying details. There a bunch of things I want to add or meant to add that kind of got lost in the revision process, and I still consider this to be very much a work in progress. I would have to agree that parts, not just the ending got a little rushed, I guess I was unable to contain my excitement, but I can’t apologize for that. I would like to build some of the scenes up a bit more and imagine it will be a minimum of another two drafts before its final. Again, it’s funny you mention the children, (I’m assuming the living ones in the road and not the dead) because I considered giving them a bit more life when I wrote the original draft and scrapped the idea. I didn’t want to bog down the story with too much information about individuals who aren’t characters in the story per say but more or less just a group of kids who happen to be in the road that afternoon.
Thank you again for reading and the critiques as well. I hope you stop back sometime and check out some other stories.
Great ending! I liked the little details you gave Riley like him patting his pocket where the joints were, and I liked the story of the ghost children. When he came to after the children had grabbed Cindi, I thought maybe he’d been tripping out and none of it was real. He did get out of the area really fast for someone who just lost his girlfriend (who smiles all the time, love that detail about her) so I thought maybe he’d just hallucinated the whole thing, especially given that he’d been sitting there long enough to get a sunburn.
Then, of course, that in-text theory was dashed because you showed the pink purse. I liked the idea of Riley being so distraught over everything that just happened that he (or some evil force) yanks his car off the road and causes it to go up in flames. It felt like the beginning to an episode of Supernatural (and I mean that in the best way possible).
Well done!