Generally speaking, I am usually proud of my accomplishments. I completed my Bachelors of Education with a minor in Child Psychology from a prestigious university in New York. I studied hard and interned for nearly a year in an inner city school of Manhattan.
Being from a small rural town, I had to get used to riding the subway every single day with the massive crowds. I found the public school’s standards to be quite low compared to when I was in school. The students attending needed a lot of motivation and guidance. Even with much encouragement, many of them had family situations that created hurdles too high for them to overcome. School staff just seemed to be plain old disgruntled.
Normally being an ambitious person, I felt like I had not made any difference in the education of my pupils. I was tired of big city living. For the first time in many years, I felt incapable of making a positive contribution.
That is when my Psychology professor told me about a job opportunity in the mid west. One of her former coworkers, also a university instructor in Ohio, was looking for a teacher for his young son. From the briefing I got, the boy had been pulled out from regular school because he was very gifted. He had been placed in an online virtual school. Since both the parents were full-time working professionals, they needed someone to be with their son during the day to tutor him.
Personally for me, this opportunity could not have come at a better time. I was a new graduate who was about to leave her dorm. I didn’t have any other jobs lined up yet. I would get a chance to move closer to my parents. I could also afford to live on my own in a less expensive city with the salary I was being offered. My pride was getting restored by the fact that my professor had enough faith in me to recommend me for her friend’s child. I began to feel hopeful once again. At that time, I had no knowledge of how this incredible journey would change me.
Great start! Your prose is lovely. Reading on now!
Thanks so much LindsayB. I hope you enjoy it!
I legitimately did! Can’t wait for more.
Thanks for taking interest, you are an excellent writer yourself. So far I have only completed 10 chapters. It’s something I do in my spare time. Thanks LindsayB, for your many encouraging comments. I really appreciate it!
This is a really solid beginning to what could unfold as an interesting dynamic. I think your tone was consistent and albeit it’s very straightforward, it’s important to establish the character’s traits and demeanor early on which I believe you did.
The first person narrative is such an appealing role to me, having the ability to deeply explore a character and their perspective. With that being said, you could speckle some inner monologue from the character from time to time but should be strategic with it’s use instead of excessive. You would indicate inner monologue by using italics and nothing more. No quotations are needed.
Here are some notes:
1. Bachelors of Education
Technically it should be:
Bachelor of Education (with no s) – or – abbreviated as: (B.Ed.)
2. Why not phrase it:
from a prestigious New York university
3. Why not set the stage here and describe these masses of people after this sentence:
Being from a small rural town, I had to get used to riding the subway every single day with the massive crowds. […]
=== Jumping to this sentence was a rough transition
I found the public school’s standards to be quite low compared to when I was in school.
4. This however was a great pair of corresponding sentences:
Even with much encouragement, many of them had family situations that created hurdles too high for them to overcome. School staff just seemed to be plain old disgruntled.
5. I can and would assume many could relate to this debilitating feeling which makes it a good premise for the character to make an adjustment in life:
For the first time in many years, I felt incapable of making a positive contribution.
6. mid west is one word, should be: midwest
7. Would be better as:
One of her former coworkers, [now] a university instructor in Ohio …
8. This is good foreshadowing to how the character could potentially be in future chapters, someone ‘briefing’ someone implies a little bit that they are serious:
From the briefing I got, the boy had been pulled out from regular school because he was very gifted.
9. I would omit [the] in this sentence simply to cut necessary connecting words. I have the tendency as a journalist to try and express messages in as few words as possible, especially if they are filler words. That way you can insert some other rich language or another detailed sentence.
Since both [the] parents were full-time working professionals, they needed someone to be with their son during the day to tutor him.
===I would go through and cut out all connecting words that don’t define any importance and use that space to elaborate more on the setting/background, etc…
Really well done and I look forward to reading your work! Also, it’s very good that you submitted the length of text you did, it’s substantial without being overbearing (in order to get specific details and feedback on the piece).
Thank you so much once again for all the pointers and helping me edit my very first novel I ever started. What kind of journalism do you do? I would love to read your work as well. My local library has started a fall writing workshop on a monthly basis that I can’t wait to attend. A few established authors will be conducting it. I hope to learn more.