"Water & Land"
by diannamargarita
But I’m stuck at earth
And he is here too
He’s the water
I’m the land
He covers most of me
My thoughts
My feelings
My mind
My body
He clouds them with the thought of him
I want to see the sun
I don’t to see more ocean
Poetry
3 Comments on “Water & Land”
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I think this is a great piece of poetry!
For a few comments:
– I wouldn’t start it with “But”. Instead you could directly say “I’m stuck at earth”
– Also it would be cool if you could add a few more lines between the last two just to express your feelings more intensely. Maybe a few lines about longing for an escape or freedom.
– Finally I think the last line is missing a word maybe add “want” – “I don’t want to see more ocean”
Love the poetry and the concept! I love how you used “water and land” as terminologies to truly express how or what you were feeling while being in that relationship. The lines “He’s the water/I’m the land, “He covers most of me” “My thoughts My feelings/ My mind My body” really brings the metaphors home. I have written a piece quite similar to this, but I never thought about a relationship being described this way. Like keeritkalluru mentioned, I think you should consider his or her’s comments. I really think the suggestions, will truly enrich the poem. Aside from that, powerful poem and keep writing!
“But I’m stuck at earth”
I too want to leave but we have to make the most of earth! Love this piece!