The sky sees me
I wish he would see me
Under the deep rallies
Is a fish one of a kind as me
We seek but we end up killing each other of our identities
Oh! I just wish he would see me
I’m a ghost spreading thru my unshaken love
When will somebody notice me?
The rain pours down embowers me
I look up and theirs still nobody that loves me
I search
I search
Out of my misery!
The only one that loves me is truly me
Additional Note: I am 13 years of age. So, thank you. And don’t forget to give feedback. It’s always good to tell others what they need to improve in.
Poetry
Comments are closed.
Likes
1230 Views
Share:
Being 13 is hard. Hang in there, it gets better. Keep writing!
Here are some notes:
1. I would advise against using the thesaurus.
2. So, one of the big challenges of writing is balancing between saying something that hasn’t been said before, and having people understand what your saying. So a lot the lines are things that most people have thought at some point in exactly the way someone would think it. For example “I wish xyz person would notice me or love me,” “I’m all alone,” “nobody loves me,” “I am searching for someone who can love me.” So those things are a starting place for brainstorming about a poem… but you think about how you can say more. Like your line “I’m a ghost spreading through my unshaken love” is great. You’re saying “I feel so alone and unnoticed, it’s as if I’m a ghost wallowing in my unrequited love for this person.” I that makes me feel something. That’s poetry. The line”the sky sees me,” interests me and I would love some followup. Like are you talking about god, or are you feeling connected to people who have passed away, or are you being ironic? Also the line “We seek but we end up killing each other of our identities” is interesting but it doesn’t seem to fit in with the poem. Seems like maybe a good start to a different poem.
3. Spell check your work. I’m not the world’s best speller, but mistakes do distract from your work. Thru is a very common misspelling of through. There vs There is tricky to remember. Their is describing a trait or an object that belongs to someone. “Their hair is blonde” or “That table is theirs.” There is like “over there,” or “There is a reason for everything.” There’s is short for there is.
4. I hope this was helpful and not discouraging. Keep writing!