I write because God puts things on my heart, but I also write because like everyone else I go through things on a daily basis, things that need to be released. Some others can often relate, others not so much, but most of the time, I find my experiences are not unique. This is a good thing, a wonderful thing in fact, that I know I will never truly have to experience anything alone, as somewhere out there, a person who has or is going through the exact same conundrum exists.
But what do we do when that knowledge just doesn’t suffice. Some of my loneliest experiences are being in a room full of people, even around ones that I truly love. There isn’t much worse than the helpless, broken feeling of being the only miserable person in a happy room. I can’t count the number of times I have been in the company of friends and get overwhelmed by a wave a depression that takes me to a world where no one else exists. Just me and my sadness, for no particular reason. She likes to get me alone to feed me sinister lies about how useless and broken beyond repair I am. Sometimes I am strong and fight back valiantly, other times I succumb as she pushes the knife in deeper with every sweet, sadistic falsity she whispers in my ear.
I have a love hate relationship with my depression, on one hand it is my biggest challenge and has brought me way too close to the edge far too many times, and on the other hand it’s strangely familiar and comfortable. It reminds me that I’m alive and tends to spark my creativity, unfortunately most of that is drowned out by frustration and painfully low self worth. It’s my least favorite part of who I am and also tends to be a defining factor. This is why I write, to relieve myself from this inner sickness that broods when I don’t.
I always feel better every time I finish that last keystroke. Like maybe I did something for the better, or a weight has been lifted. Often the feeling is so intense I find I have to get up and do something else for a while and leave the editing for a later time. Yes, this is therapeutic for me, and maybe it can be for you too.
I write because there are things that need to be told, stories about the human experience to be accounted for. Right now I am only speaking from my life, but I really hope that changes soon, as I am just as interested in telling another’s story. There are lessons to be learned in every persons experience and the desire to connect is naturally and biologically coded into our being. We need to hear from others and share with others to get a sense of belonging, inspiration and encouragement.
I write because I have a hunger to consume words, the more I release the more I desire to take in, thus starting on a maddening cycle of filling and releasing that frankly, I truly love. There is something magical about getting lost in a story, living through the perspective of a completely different individual. It’s the best way to escape and experience things we might not get to on our own.
I write because I have a need to express myself. Often there isn’t someone around to listen, or maybe I get too nervous when I start speaking and forget where I originally planned to go. This way I get all the benefit of telling someone, with the added amount of freedom to rewrite and reread. Sometimes what seems like a good idea in my head ends up being junk on paper, so it is a good way to weed through the nonsense and get straight to the heart. We all have a need to release pent up emotion and display our creativity, the goal is to find an outlet that works for you.
I write because something inside me tells me to write, whether that is of myself or of God I don’t know, but if I don’t release these words I don’t feel okay. Maybe it’s a self-esteem thing or a purpose thing, either way I am glad it exists. There is something freeing about acting on things that come from our subconscious, the good things that is. I get plenty of urges I don’t and should not act on, which is the beauty of having the ability to make decisions based on logic and reasoning, rather than pure instinct. It is pretty wild if you sit back and think about all the intricate parts that go into the human mind, be careful to not go too far down the rabbit hole though, I can be a frightening place.
I write because I have things to say. This is not me bragging, but I have experienced quite a few things in my life, not to mention things I have learned from spending time with other people. Not that my experience is more valuable than others, but it might be unique and interesting to some. Who knows, maybe I am just living in a bubble and this is the way I am supposed to find out that I am really not special. The words come naturally though, I don’t force it. Every session I begin with a prayer for guidance and meditation on what inside of me needs to speak. If I don’t get a response I take a break and come back later.
I write because I believe in the deepest part of my heart that this can help somebody. When I pray for direction on topics to write on I often get the feeling that this was particularly selected for one individual. I have learned to listen to this inclination in hopes that I am doing a service to my fellow man. Whether that person gets to it or not is out of my hands, my job is just to release.
I write because I want to encourage people to chase their dreams. This is a dream for me, something I kept buried deep within myself, and hopefully by doing this, by telling my story of where I came from and what I came through, that someone else may think, “hey If he can lay it all on the line then so can I.” That’s why I loved teaching music, you get so many kids coming in saying I want to be like x when I grow up, and x just happens to be a rock star. So we sit down and focus in on a plan for them to become like their hero’s. How cool is that, I literally get to help people chase their dreams!
I do this because I want to encourage. No matter what you have done, where you have been, and what you have been through, there is a purpose for your existence. I don’t know what it is, and maybe you don’t either, but if it is something to do with helping others, that is the best place to start. Start exploring yourself. If you could do anything what would it be? If you had enough money to support yourself and all of your family forever, what would you do? Start there, even if you aren’t good at first. Passion, determination and willingness to work will take you so much further than raw talent any day. You can do it, I believe in you! Don’t get discouraged when you don’t get the results you want either. Trust me I get upset every time I open my account and see that literally no one has viewed my posts, but I continue and persevere anyways, because I know that this vision I have didn’t come from myself. Finding a guiding force in your life, whatever that may look like, is probably the single most important factor to living a fulfilling life. We have to find that reason to wake up in the morning and work hard, a reason outside of supporting my tomorrow. At some point we will all leave this earth, what a shame it would be to leave not having answered the big question, what am I really here for?