Last night I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend. We dated for a year and a half (and six days) in high school, and we broke up before he went to college (for so many more reasons besides the fact that he was going away to college). This was, oh, five years ago. And while he wasn’t my first boyfriend or my first kiss, he was pretty much my first everything everything else. I was his first everything. We really thought we would get married, like immature high school couples do. We named our unborn children- Jackson and Samantha. I thought he could do absolutely no wrong. He was so smart, the way he knew so much more than me about history, science, religion. He was so cute, with his strawberry blonde curly hair (which turned straight by the time we broke up). He was so great, the way we were both sexually compatible. And the fact that he was a year older just added to his appeal for me.
And he treated me perfectly: performed elaborate promposals, texted and called me all the time, integrated me into his family. We fell for each other so hard and so fast that I knew we’d be the 1% of high school couples who didn’t break up. One of my favorite memories with him:
For Christmas he bought me a snowflake necklace. It probably only cost like $20, but when you don’t have a job, that’s a lot of money, and that’s all I needed.
“I wanted to get you a snowflake,” he said, “Because it’s unique. No two snowflakes are the same, each one is special. Like you.”
Wouldn’t that cause any fifteen-year-old girl to melt? I loved that necklace so much- I never took it off. Then one day at school, I want to touch it as it was around my neck, but I felt only the chain. It turns out the cheap snowflake broke off sometime during the day, and I couldn’t find it. I was crushed, and I thought he’d be mad. I texted him, hands shaking, apologizing profusely before I even told him why I was apologizing.
Instead of getting mad, he bought me a new necklace. A new snowflake, but it was different, because as he said, no two snowflakes are alike.
One more story. Eight months after we started dating, I went to Europe for 12 days. And he did three things that I still remember:
The first was what he gave me before I left. I asked him to write me a letter that I could open while I was there, for when I was missing him. I was expecting a one-sheet, 3 paragraph thing. But he wrote me 5 pages, front and back. I can’t remember what it said, but it didn’t matter. He also threw in a picture of us from prom. And he also gave me one of his t-shirts to wear, so it smelled like him. THEN he also packed a second t-shirt inside a zip-locked bag that had no air in it, so I had a second smelly t-shirt when the first one stopped smelling like him. My heart.
The second thing he did is talk to me for two hours while I was in Switzerland. I was so horribly home sick, and my parents wouldn’t pick up their phone. Hearing his voice and being able to talk to him while I walking up and down the rolling Swiss hills was a dream.
The third is what he gave me when I came back. This was all his idea, and I had no idea. Every single day I was gone, he wrote a journal entry to me. He talked about his day, that he missed me, things he wish he could have shared with me. he did this for all fourteen days, and it was one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten. Because it just showed that I was always on his mind, you know?
So, this is who I dreamt about last night. This boy who at one point I knew I would marry, who I thought could do no wrong. In my dream it was present day, my dad was going to have surgery. I was with my current boyfriend, and some other people, and for some reason my ex was there, and all I wanted was him and his comfort. (Remember, I haven’t actually spoken to this boy in over five years). We were still awkward exes in the dream, but we both wanted to talk to each other. In my dream I find myself sneaking touches of my ex, just brushing against his shoulder, or a quick hug.
I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I missed that closeness, and for some reason I missed my ex, even though I’m currently in a very happy relationship that’s objectively more mature and substantial. And yet, here I am romanticizing my ex. His dimples. His calves. His freaking smile, my God. How did I ever get over him?
Did I ever get over him?
I’m supposed to be working at my big-girl job, but all I can do is trying and piece together scattered memories of this freaking BOY who really never existed as I’m remembering him.
He could do wrong. He did do wrong. He wasn’t perfect or always nice like my memory is trying to spin him to be. My mom said he treated me terribly. Here’s what I remember:
At the very beginning of our relationship, he was publicly flirting with a girl on Facebook. It was so bad his friends came to me and told me to stop it. So I did, and he didn’t talk to her again… until things started going bad in our relationship, then he talked to all the (3) girls who had tried to break us up throughout our relationship. He hooked up with one right after we broke up, which still hurts to think about. Then he hooked up with a girl he took to prom while we were dating (he asked and I said yes, because it wasn’t his or my prom). He started gagging while I ate Panera to make me feel fat so we would leave. He invited his friends on our date then only talked to them. He convinced me I had anger management problems (although I kinda think I actually do). He was never affectionate enough. He didn’t like gay people. He never read my writing. He stopped texting me all the time, and he’d get mad when I double texted. I think he flirted with other girls. Hours after we broke up, he sent out public facebook invites for his graduation party (was he waiting for us to break up before he sent out the invitation, or was it just coincidence?) He never gave me our prom pictures, even though I spent $500 on the dress he wanted me to wear. We only talked twice after we broke up, then he stopped answering my texts.
While we were still dating, but when it was bad, he made me cry a lot. I said, “I’m tired of crying over you.”
He said, “Then stop crying.” I went for a drive after that and accidentally blew a tire by running over a curb.
He ignored me at his senior prom. At one point he told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore.
But those are all memories from the beginning and the end of our relationship. What happened in the middle? I can’t seem to bring up a single memory. So why do I keep romanticizing this boy who I really don’t actually remember? Why do I think he was so good to me, when he clearly wasn’t? I imagine us meeting today, if we were both single. Would we be compatible? Would we actually get married, now that we have a better concept of what adulting entails? Would he use the same pick up line, would my parents like him more, would we have sex, would my friends like him, would he be as good a kisser, would he be a better kisser, would he be okay with my extra weight, would I like his new hair, would he like my new use of makeup, would he be dissapointed in my college major, would we have the same hobbies, would he still go to church, would I get along with his siblings, would his parents like me more or less, would we still name our kids Jackson and Samantha… would we be happy, would we be in love, would the world stop spinning when we kissed, would we forget about all our exes, would he look at me the way he did in high school, would he take my face in his palms and rub his thumb against my cheek, would he brush his lips over my forehead, would I melt into him, would he carry me over the threshold of our new house, would I go to bed in his arms every night, would he write me about his day every dingle day I’m out of the country, would he be everything I remember and everything I forget?
Would he, would he, would he…
Probably not, but can someone tell that to my brain?
Prose
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The School of Life did a video on this last year. It takes a look at how your memory is unreliable and therefore cannot be trusted. Sometimes we romanticize the past because somewhere we’re unhappy with our current relationship. Not necessarily earth-shatteringly unhappy or caught in an abusive situation, but just maybe he did something that irritated you.
You sound happy in your present state, and it was just a dream that reminded you of those old good times. If we could watch a video of our lives, we would have a more objective understanding of what life was like “before” vs. “now.” But our memories always tend to give us a “grass is greener” philosophy.
Sometimes our brains go so far as to say “hey, it would just be easier to put a positive spin on things”– so you remember the good times with your ex over the bad times, you minimize conflicts that you had, block out drama or problems that led to your relationship’s end. It’s like getting rid of baggage. It just feels better to remember the nicer stuff.
But remembering only the good can actually prevent us from being able to form new romantic connections in the present. When we become invested in a romanticized idea of love, we spend our dating time acting out romanticized patterns because they give us a “high” in our brain (thanks, dopamine!) rather than real intimacy and connection.
You’ve done a good job so far in pushing aside the fantasies and remembering the truth about your time with your ex. You’re one step closer to being able to experience actual love based on bonding with another person instead of chasing the ghost of a love that, as you observed, never quite existed.
If you want some concrete ways to deal with this, you can try making a pros/cons list because not only are you thinking through these items, you’re also forced to look at it written down on paper. Make sure as well that you never try to compare your ex to your current bf. I did that with my husband at first and instead of building him up (“You’re so much better in bed than my old fiance”) it actually made him feel weird and a little hurt that I was still thinking of that old fiance at all. You can ask your friends to help steer you toward reality too, if it gets really bad. Nothing like a good best girl to slap you around a bit when you need it, right?
Finally, remember that who you were with your ex (a high schooler) isn’t who you are now. Relationships change us. Unhealthy relationships change us and trap us, we conform to unhealthy surroundings so that we can cope with them. But once that relationship is in the past, we’re able to find our real selves again. We can get back in touch with the real person we are outside of that past relationship. Most of the time, that person is better than the person we were while we were in it. In your case, you’ve got some years on you now and some wide experience. Compare the two versions of you and realize which one you’d rather be!
Romanticizing the past is normal, and everyone does it. Your best bet is to pack those memories back up, say goodbye, and look to the future. Or the now! With your fantastic current bf!
This is very interesting. I’ve had a vaguely similar experience in my early elementary school years, which I discuss in my poem “Dry Rain”. Overall, this is very well written. This should be a published personal essay! 🙂
Memories are a lot like snow some stick and some don’t and then there are those that seem to melt away with time, thanks I enjoyed reading.