Finding myself

Everyday I wake up I feel forced but why do I feel this way yeah I was bullied growing up but how can other humans make me feel this way that they even effect the way I live even when I don’t even see them they effected the way I breath when I’m around strangers they effected the way I talk even when I’m trying to be myself they effected my world and I can’t even ask why they ruined my will to live and they won’t even tell me why I was a person before this now I feel like a donor I give everything to people yet they don’t care I look around and I see people smile laugh and have friendships relationships and all I think about is when is it my turn when am I gonna stop giving everything to people and finally get something in return I guess never I’m selfish I’m ugly I’m forever alone all the things I tell myself to make me feel better about why I have nobody to care or talk to when I’m feeling down was I selfish maybe I am greedy maybe I always feel down maybe I am forever alone but why do I care why should I care when I die I won’t have anyone beside me why should I want friends no one will understand me the way I do there I go again giving reasons why I’m better alone I can’t help it though I always wanted this yet I have no one to give it to me yeah I want to have a boyfriend but what if he sees I’m not good enough and leaves am I gonna go back to square one and add more reasons why I’m better alone i don’t know maybe I am the reason he left me and now I’m foreshadowing a relationship I never even had I’m gonna try the positive aspects of my life for example I can point out my flaws maybe not at that moment but I do I know when I’ve lost I hate to admit it but I do you ever think maybe when people say there’s someone out there that loves you, you just have to find them maybe they did mean yourself I know corny right but really I would love myself better than anyone can I know what I want I know what I need and I sometimes know what will make me feel better but i lost the love I had for myself and now I just have to find it I don’t know how but I hope when I do I look in the right places but I hopes it’s soon I love me and i hope to find you soon.