Pieces of my heart – scattered around… desperate to recover them all – least my wounds be no longer contained
– Debbie Lyn Jones
General
One Comment on “After the Storm”
Wow, this was absolutely devastating! Also, I have to commend you for making this short work as stimulating as it is. Your word choice transforms the piece, turning it away from the mere written and towards a visual affair. The reader can picture the “pieces” of the narrator’s heart “scattered around.” The reader can imagine the narrator on all-fours, scrambling to pick up the pieces and “recover them all.” Furthermore, the last line – “least my wounds be no longer contained” – is utterly relatable, for people are all-too-familiar with the extreme pressures that a heart has to endure and the innate desire to rid yourself of them. Seriously, within just a few words, you have put forth a sensational and vivid experience. Well done!
One suggestion: I would revise this piece so that it is structured like a poem. The manner in which you separate the phrases via dashes and ellipses is a tad awkward. By dividing the segments and placing them onto its own individual line, not only will each phrase receive a higher emphasis, but also it’s merit and contribution to the poem will be more distinct. Also, overall, the look of the poem will be a lot more pleasant and clean-looking without the sporadic punctuation.
Wow, this was absolutely devastating! Also, I have to commend you for making this short work as stimulating as it is. Your word choice transforms the piece, turning it away from the mere written and towards a visual affair. The reader can picture the “pieces” of the narrator’s heart “scattered around.” The reader can imagine the narrator on all-fours, scrambling to pick up the pieces and “recover them all.” Furthermore, the last line – “least my wounds be no longer contained” – is utterly relatable, for people are all-too-familiar with the extreme pressures that a heart has to endure and the innate desire to rid yourself of them. Seriously, within just a few words, you have put forth a sensational and vivid experience. Well done!
One suggestion: I would revise this piece so that it is structured like a poem. The manner in which you separate the phrases via dashes and ellipses is a tad awkward. By dividing the segments and placing them onto its own individual line, not only will each phrase receive a higher emphasis, but also it’s merit and contribution to the poem will be more distinct. Also, overall, the look of the poem will be a lot more pleasant and clean-looking without the sporadic punctuation.