The grass wipes its coldness on to my feet as I’m running to the house. The clouds dark and slightly irresistible to look at. Catherine told me there was going to be a rainy day,and I guess that day is today. I look up to see that I have arrived to the yellow rich color house. The stairs up to the door were broken in half and I had no shoes on. So I decided to go through the back entrance.
“Man,” I shiver as I enter the back,” If only I had listened.” I walk up the brick stairs and too my room, a very beautiful hexagon room. I sigh,take a shower,and go head first on my bed. My door opens slowly but steady,and I leap up.
“Who is it?” I grab my bat from my closet and get closer to the door. I pound on it until I get a answer.
The person yelped, and it sounded like a woman. ” Honey,”The woman sighs,” Why are you so scared?It’s just me.”
I smirk,” Just who?”
“Your mom Jess! Now stop playing around!”
Yep,it was my mom,because shes the only one who calls me Jess.
” Fine,” I shrug,” But let me just tell you,you were right. There’s a bad storm and I think It’ll blow us away.”
Autobiography
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Those first two sentences are excellent! I really like the vivid, tactile description. That said, with the details in the beginning, I don’t think the last two sentences are necessary. The reader already knows there’s a storm on the horizon. My suggestion would be to replace it with some effects of the storm. I see this is nonfiction, but your creative license gives you the power to add some exaggerations and embellish while still remaining truthful. Scare your reader; make us feel the storm’s suspense! Great work so far. Keep writing!
I agree with the previous commenter: you’re a very vivid writer. It’s also leaving me with a lot of suspense. Why was she surprised when her mom was at the door? Why did she call her Catherine earlier in the story? I do think there could be a way to rephrase the last sentence, maybe use some of your vivid details, but I’m looking forward to reading more.