Every day is different, yet it always ends the same. the same voice is in my head that’s been there since I graduated high school. I don’t understand how this voice woke up, but I would do anything to kill it. Always reminding me that everyone is better than me, therefore, I shouldn’t try because I’ll never win.
Nothing. I feel nothing. However, I hear everything and see everything. I see the way people look past me as if I’m an old antique, you know I’m there but that’s it. I’m more of a shadow that sits in the background waiting for my friends as they take over the world while I watch the world take over me.
I’m in disgust. Again. I look at myself and I see nothing perfect. I make sure I don’t make eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know the moment I look at me my body is filled with hatred for myself. I can’t look at my skin nor can I touch it. Having to see it in the mirror makes wish I was blind.
I’ll never understand why he loves to touch me, how he loves to kiss my skin with his lips and begs to see me with my clothes off with the lights on. I don’t see why he still calls me the next day after seeing me the day before. I don’t understand why men come into my life and try their best to stay, I don’t even want to stay here. I just don’t see what they see in me.
The best part of my life is when I’m sleeping. When my inside thoughts finally give me a break and let me breathe with ease. The worst part of my sleeping is it goes by fast while a single day feels like a decade. It’s hard to get out of being knowing I must be out and alive.
I didn’t ask to be born; I didn’t ask to breathe. But I’m here, and I’ve tried to leave last year during the summer, but I failed. Now I understand why people decide to leave before being excused. It’s annoying, frustrating, and tiring having to live this way. Having to hear voices that you can’t control, getting emotions that come at you like waves. Silence is all I’m craving and the one time I tried to get silent I failed. Why am I always failing?
I’m breathing but I don’t feel alive. I’m just here in a body with a mind that I can’t control.
Creativity