James left his mother that night. A mistake that he was going to repent for the years he would live.
Heather had not been feeling well for the past couple of days. A 24 – hour maid took care of the everyday chores and gave the medicines to Heather. She reluctantly gulped down the pills with a sip of water and realized the end was drawing near. She always tried to stay happy and calm; when the pills had an adverse effect on her, so she did the total opposite.
Hours. Days. Weeks passed.
James did everything he could do for his mother but couldn’t stay at home for long. He tirelessly worked day and night to earn his dough, pay the utility bills, buy the medicines and afford the 24- hour maid.
The same routine carried on for weeks as Heather’s condition deteriorated. She had breast cancer.Her treatment was over and the doctors gave up. Yet she wasn’t quite ready to do that . She fought alone in the battlefield against the millions of warriors.
One night,James arrived home, fuming with anger. He slammed the door close and climbed up the stairs without greeting his mother. Confused, his mother called his name out several times but he did not respond. Unable to move,she just lay there and called his name out one last time.
“James!”
She took her last breath and prayed to God as her soul parted from her body.T he static sound made by the machines next to her bed,echoed in the house,seeped through the walls.Heather’s lips were turned at one corner and made her look as if she was smirking. Silence.
It wasn’t until next morning that the maid pronounced Heather dead! James stood next to her bed and stared into nothingness, shocked. He held onto Heather’s ice-cold hand between his warm hands, interlocking his fingers together. He remembered last night in a faze.He had heard his mother calling on after him but he had ignored her. If only he knew that it was her last day. He steadied his gaze on Heather’s face one last time and took a deep breath. Her face,innocent but was covered in wrinkles. Her frozen pink lips were carved like a graving on wood.
That night everything changed.
James wasn’t going to forgive himself. Maybe this was the end for him too,so then he could meet her and tell her how sorry he was.
That night his feet walked him to the river. As though they were the leash and he was the dog. A passerby would only mistake him as a tourist or perhaps someone here for some recreational activity. But what he sought was peace. A Greater Perhaps.
He kept struggling with himself and was convinced that even though he knew how to swim; he would drown. He would gag on water,his lungs would fill with water and then the human buoyancy would show its karma.
By morning his body would flow to the river bank and rumors will spread. He stroded down the river bank and approached the river.This was how he had imagined his death.He could already feel the Angel of Death lurking over his shoulders.
He closed his eyes as the chilling water hit his skin.
He gasped for breath.
Darkness.
This was how it ended.This was the end.
–END–
Short Stories
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This was a truly devastating and haunting tale that demonstrates the injustices of life. One stupid move – one second of abandonment – and suddenly, everything falls apart, and there is no reversal. I love the manner in which you weaved details into the narrative, for it makes the situation at hand much more intense, dark, and emotional. For instance, as you described the sound of the machine as Heather’s heart gave out, you explained that it “echoed through the house, seeped through the wood”: this description offers a sense of ceaseless reverberation, as if the sound is not only prominent but its impact is potent, inducing sorrow and hopelessness. Essentially, this supplementary detail enhances the dramatic quality of this particular scene. Another sentence that I was very fond of was: “He would gag on water, his lungs would fill with water and then the human buoyancy would show its karma.” I like this line because of how easily it stimulates the senses. The reader can see James step into the river, walk in further, get caught in the rush, and submerge in the water. The reader can picture the light in Jame’s eyes flicker out, his body drifting down into the water’s abyss – his punishment for deserting his ill mother. The sentence both describes his fate and indicates that its what he deserves, which is exhilarating as well as daunting.
Still, in spite of many of the interesting details that you included throughout the story, there was also a lack of explanation in vital areas. While I was reading the story, there were several instances where I was wondering why things happened the way they did. As a reader, I should not find myself confused or wondering as to why characters behaved or responded to an incident in a certain way. For instance, you said that James, “fuming with anger,” neglected to respond to his dying mother when she called out to him. Why? What was he so vexed about that he would voluntarily ignore his mother’s pleas? This absence of explanation compels me to think that James is just inconsiderate and ill-tempered, which makes me feel less sympathy for his plight later on. You should provide some sort of detail that substantiates why James disregarded his mother, especially during such a crucial period of time, so that the reader can at least somewhat understand his selfish behavior. Did he lose his job? Does he have anger management problems? Let the reader know explicitly!
Another detail that I personally was baffled by was when you claimed that Heather died looking “as if she was smirking.” The reason I am confused is that, once again, there is a lack of explanation as to why she would react to her impending death in such a manner. For starters, this woman is established as someone who wants to escape death: even when the doctors gave up, “she wasn’t quite ready to do that. She fought alone in the battlefield against millions of warriors.” This sentence reinforces the idea that Heather is a fighter and does not want to die, so why would she smirk when Death arrived? Even further, why would she be smirking when the last thing she saw was her son dashing up the stairs in frustration and disregarding her call? If anything, though she did pray to God for brief period, I feel as if Heather would have been shocked and sad because she still had unfinished business.
Essentially, what I’m saying is that I believe that you should go back and pay heed to the details that you included in this piece. Evidently, details are essential to any story because they allow the reader to paint a fuller picture of the scenario and understand the tone. In addition, there are opportunities to play with elements such as foreshadowing or imagery. However, it is pivotal that the details you jot down make sense and give a fluency to the scene and to the characters that you have established. Ensure that they is absolutely no room for confusion or contradiction.
Still, all in all, I genuinely enjoyed reading this story, and I whole-heartedly believe that it could be brilliant with just a little more careful attention to the details. Good job!
@cardinalsluvbooks I’m truly sorry for such a late reply. I just read your comment and ,now that I look back I realize that I did not add the minor details that help the reader fully understand the story.As you stated , details are essential to any story because they allow the reader to paint a fuller picture of the scenario and understand the tone.
Thank you for your feedback! I will surely review and rewrite the story.
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I liked the way the author is picturesque in his explanation . The incident for sure has touched my heart. Yes ,I agree with the comments by “cardinalsluvbooks” has made and he has given excellent critique I am carried away by the quality the critique exudes, the genuine help he has rendered to refine a piece work taking time read through and ponder over it. Yes I too would bear upon the author to consider it for benefits it provides in refining the piece of work. It is a full circle of experience – the work and critique-a live example to any interested in writings.