Don’s Playtime (Censored Version)
Chapter 1: Plans for Partying
Colin checked his butt one last time in his bathroom mirror before heading downstairs. “Firm as usual, Colin,” he said to himself. In his downstairs living room he saw his dad Don sitting in his big arm chair.
“Cahlin, come here,” Don wheezed.
“Yeah, Don?” Colin replied with his head in the fridge.
“Your mom and I are going to a fancy motel next weekend so make sure that you don’t throw one of those parties that kids have these days.”
“Don’t worry, Don, you need friends to have a party,” joked Colin with a sad look on his face.
“Heh, that’s right you do, Caaahhhhlin,” Don spoke before drifting off to sleep.
That day was a Sunday and since Colin does nothing but hump his pillow and go on Reddit (often at the same time) I’ll just skip to Friday.
Colin walked into first period orchestra class right as the bell rang. He threw his backpack across the room and hopped in front of the keyboard to drone the A key for the rest of class. After another exciting class of going over three bars of music, Colin lined up at the door with his friends Peter and Tim.
“Yo, guys, Don and Karen are gonna be gone all weekend so I’m having a party on Saturday. There’ll be booze, pot, music and Super Sma-,” Colin told them before his friend Matt burst through the door.
“Did someone say Smash?” asked a bloodthirsty Matt.
“F*ck yeah I said f*cking Smash, dawg, did you think I’d have motherf*cking sh*tty f*cking games like Tetris or something??” Colin replied enthusiastically. “So get all your friends to come it’s gonna be a rager like no one’s ever seen before.”
The rest of the day Tim, Matt, and Peter were all thinking about how much fun Colin’s party was going to be. They wondered who to invite. Peter, having little friends other than his girlfriend Katie, decided to leave the rest of the recruiting to Matt and Tim. Matt got acquaintance Amaan Baig, and fellow band member Drew Latwas and his posse. Tim got his future roommate Steve Vercellone and would have gotten his friend Emma but Colin specifically told him no girls. The day went along as usual with Colin losing his backpack three times, Peter getting shoved into a couple lockers, Matt falcon punching a teacher in the stomach, and Tim twerking for quick cash in the bathroom.
When Peter got driven home at the end of the day by Katie, he said that Colin was having him and a few friends over to play twister on Saturday so he didn’t have to get chewed out by her for going to a party. Tim got home and played his Nana in NBA 2K15 only to lose ten games in a row and retire to bed early without any dinner. Matt went home to play twenty straight hours of drunk Smash to be prepared for the party. When Colin got home after school he went straight to preparing for his huge bash. He got the balloons and the piñata out of the closet and hung up the sexiest posters of Angela Merkel he could find. While getting ready for bed, Colin heard a noise in his attic. Figuring it to just be his dog (which was locked up there), he ignored it and went to bed.
“Nighty night, world,” he whispered to his globe before closing his eyes and falling asleep.
Chapter 2: THA PARTAY
Colin leapt out of bed with a pep in his step. He tumbled down the stairs and poured himself a glass of orange juice to help rinse the toothpaste taste out of his mouth. Suddenly he heard a loud yelp from upstairs. He rushed up to find his dog Snickers hanging in his closet, dripping warm blood onto his Hess trucks.
“OH MY GOD!” he screamed. “Those are collectibles!”
He quickly disposed of the dead dog by shoving him down the garbage disposal so that his presence wouldn’t ruin the mood of his party. He wasn’t particularly scared of the dead dog because he had already had three dogs commit suicide on him in the past. Trying to put the dead dog out of his mind, Colin decided to go through the music he had ready for his party. He had a killer playlist set up including, but not limited to, the Vengaboys, Aqua, Eiffel 65, and of course his favorite: Insane Clown Posse.
Meanwhile, Colin’s friends were getting ready for the party. Matt picked up Drew Latwas, Anthony Mclaughlin, Austin Colon, and Amaan Baig. Tim picked up Steve. Peter invited his friend Danny Chahine who only went because he heard there would be hot chicks. Peter and Danny showed up to Colin’s house first, at 8:45. They were greeted by Colin doing the truffle shuffle to “We Like to Party” by the Vengaboys. Colin said nothing as they awkwardly walked by him and went to a table with chips and soda. About ten minutes later Matt and his party showed up.
“Is there Minecraft here?” asked Drew.
“You can f*ck right off with that Minecraft bullsh*t, Drew” Colin threatened. “This is my party and we’re gonna get drunk and high and Smash each other all night long.”
Drew, Anthony, and Austin made their way to the vodka and started taking shots right away as Matt, with Amaan in tow, walked over to talk to Peter and Danny. Just then a soft but discrete creak came from upstairs.
“Colin, you wanna go check that out?” asked Matt.
“Nah, I’m sure it’s nothing,” said Colin, dancing to “Miracles” by Insane Clown Posse.
Tim and Steve showed up at 9:15, noticeably high. Colin welcomed them with a hearty pelvic thrust in the direction of the refreshments.
“Uhh are you okay, dude?” Steve asked.
Colin ignored him and joined Drew and his posse at the vodka table. After about 20 minutes of mingling and drinking and smoking, everyone was pretty drunk and high (except Peter, who doesn’t drink or smoke, Amaan, who doesn’t know how, and Danny, who had an upset stomach the night before from drinking toilet water that he mistook for holy water).
“Everyone downstairs so we can Smash!” yelled a drunk Colin.
“YEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” everyone yelled and rushed downstairs to the basement.
They played eight player Smash for a few hours until Austin had to pee.
“I’ll be right back,” he said as he walked up the stairs.
He came right back down.
“Hey, Colin, your door must be locked,” said Austin.
“What do you mean? That door doesn’t lock.”
“Well it’s not opening,”
Colin went up to inspect the door. It wouldn’t budge. Colin knew something wasn’t right. That door never had a lock on it before. He tried to ram his shoulder into in but only hurt himself really badly. There was one other door that led to Colin’s garage in the basement.
“Hey, can you guys check the door down there that leads to the garage?” Colin asked.
Tim stumbled to the door to see if it would open. It didn’t.
“What the heck is going on here, Colin, what’s wrong with your house?” said Peter.
“I honestly don’t know why these doors are locked they never locked before,” answered Colin.
Everyone began to panic as they started to hear footsteps upstairs.
“Oh my God, who is here??” Anthony whispered, firmly grasping Drew’s hand.
“I don’t know man, but I’m getting out of here,” said Steve. He grabbed a chair and sprinted to the garage door swinging the chair as hard as he could upon the handle. And what luck, it broke! Steve pushed on the door with high hopes. But it still wouldn’t move.
“What is wrong with your door?” said Steve frantically. “It should be opening right now. It’s like reinforced or something.”
“I don’t know,” answered Colin, his face sweaty and pale. “But do you guys smell anything odd?”
One by one the kids dropped to the floor gasping for air. Colin, at the top of the stair laid his head to the wood and before he passed out he heard a familiar voice.
“Cahlin….”
Chapter 3: Where Lots of Cool Stuff Happens
Colin woke up snuggled in his bed next to his stuffed doll of Cassie from Dragon Tales. “What the f*ck happened last night?” he thought to himself. He flopped out of bed, making sure not to bother Cassie, and cautiously went downstairs. His house looked spotless; nothing was out of place. He tried to think of what happened last night but his memory kept failing him. The last thing he could remember was running downstairs to play Super Smash Brothers with his gang.
“Did I really get that drunk last night that I can’t even remember what happened?” he said aloud. “I’m not a lightweight like Tim.”
Colin decided to check out the basement. There was no sign of anyone being there at all. He began to get increasingly nervous and scared and decided to walk over to Peter’s house to see if he had any recollection of the night before. Colin knocked on Peter’s door and was greeted by Peter’s dad in his underwear.
“What are you doing wearing my underwear?” asked Colin.
“Oh sorry, your majesty,” replied Peter’s dad as he took the underwear off and shoved it in Colin’s mouth.
“Now thafs bebber,” Colin said as best he could with his underwear in his mouth. “Is Peter home?”
Peter’s Dad grumbled and went to get Peter. Peter came downstairs and his cat Chandler sagged after him. He welcomed Colin with a complicated set of bum grasps and pelvic thrusts.
“What’s up, man?”
“I’ve been a little on edge today, dawg. I woke up and my house is spotless. Do you remember anything about the party last night?”
“I remembered that little weenie Austin kept hitting on me all night and Matt hip checked like everyone while yelling ‘Hachaaaa!’ Is that helpful at all?”
“No no I remember all that. What happened after we went downstairs to smash each other?”
“Hmm y’know what I really don’t remember. I must have had too much jungle juice.”
“Well you’re no help,” thought Colin. But instead of hurting his friend’s feelings he replied “Well thanks for your help, babe,” and blew Peter a kiss. Peter giggled, caught the kiss, and rubbed it on Chandler’s sag.
Slightly disturbed, Colin went home and looked around for any clues of what may have happened last night. He checked up and down and all around but he could not find nothing. That is, to say, he found something. However, what he found had nothing to do with last night. Or so he thought. And he thought correctly. What he found was a note with the words: “TEXT ME FOR A BROMIDIC TIME 😉 @ 781-217-6969”, and it actually did have to do with last night. Colin quickly texted the number with high hopes. Not wanting to come on too strong or clingy, he started with: “sup suga wanna Twister n’ chill?” After his finger pressed the send button he suddenly felt very tired and fell asleep on the floor of his basement.
Colin awoke with his hand in a bowl of warm water and wet pants. “Aw c’mon, man!” he shouted as he sprung to his feet. He looked at his phone which now had 4 new messages. Two were sexts from his local priest. “Ugh boring,” Colin thought as he deleted the two “Father, Son, and the Holy Dong” pictures. The other two texts were from the mysterious person who left the note. The first text politely declined Colin’s Twister n’ chill request and the second gave a really boring fact about snails or something and requested Colin come over tomorrow after school for a rock polishing contest. Colin, not wanting to make his good ol American rocks Polish, replied with, “No thanks. Anyway, who is this?” Not ten seconds later did Colin get a reply: “Teehee, it’s Austin lol.”
“GOD F*CKING D*MN YOU, AUSTIN,” screamed Colin at the top of his lungs.
“Cahlin, no swearing in the basement,” spoke Don from the kitchen. Don and Karen had returned a few hours ago from their stay at the fancy motel.
Colin went upstairs to see how his parents’ weekend was.
“Oh it was dandy, Cahlin. We made great friends with the young towel boy there. He was quite the Twister player. How did you like my little trick?”
“If you’re referring to you putting my hand in warm water while I was asleep, I didn’t find it funny one bit, mister,” answered Colin.
“So, Cahlin, did you have any partays while we were gone? Hmmmmm?” asked Colin’s mom Karen.
“Uhh pssh uhm no of course not why would you think that??” Colin replied smoothly.
“I didn’t think you did, fudge buckets, I was only askin’ a simple question.”
Colin then farted so loudly Chandler heard from his sleeping spot in Peter’s lawn and meowed a sad meow of disgust. Colin excused himself to his room to ponder why Austin was in his basement last night. He texted him in hopes of getting some answers but unfortunately he got no responses from Austin. Being pooped from his adventure today, Colin fell asleep spooning Cassie.
Chapter 4: The First Explosion
Colin awoke Monday morning groggy from the grog he drank to get to sleep. He brushed his clothes and put on his teeth and bounced downstairs. While Colin munched on his favorite breakfast stew, Don turned on the TV and put on the news.
“Breaking news,” the news anchor began. “Pembroke resident and level 28 League of Legends player Austin Colon esploded in his room at 9:57 PM last night. Despite his intestines being filled with Mountain Dew and Doritos, police think the cause of the explosion was a foreign object implanted in the boy.”
“Holy cow,” thought Colin. “I was texting him just yesterday. I can’t believe he’s gone. I loved that boy like an uncle.” Colin was very shaken up from this news but still went to school. He met Peter at the bus stop and told him all about the news. “WHAAAAAAAAAAT???,” exclaimed Peter.
“I know, man, it’s pretty rough. Who would have thought Austin was so explosive.”
At school, Colin and Peter met up with Tim and Matt who were selling Viagra to the teachers before school started. “This one is on the house,” Tim told Mr. Mitchell and Mr. Mitchell scurried back to the science hallway.
“So did you guys here about Austin exploding? Wasn’t it so cool?” said Matt, who was actually secretly enemies with Austin.
“Uhh no it is the opposite of cool, you freak,” said Colin. “I think someone put something inside him that caused him to explode. And I think it has something to do with my awesome party Saturday. Do you guys remember anything from it?”
“I remember that this girl was checking me out all night,” Tim said arrogantly.
“That was probably just Drew wearing his wig, Tim, you fool,” shot down Colin. “Do you guys remember what happened when we all went downstairs?”
“Now that you mentioned it,” said Matt, “wasn’t there some weird smell or something? And not just Anthony’s sweaty belly button smell.”
“No I don’t really remember anything at all from after we went downstairs,” said Tim.
“Well this was no help at all,” thought Colin. But instead of hurting his friends’ feelings, he said, “Thanks, you guys are always so helpful.” The rest of the day went along as normal. Until the last class of the day. Just kidding that went along normally, too. After school, Colin looked at his phone to see that he had 4 voicemails. He met up with Tim, Matt, and Peter. “Hey guys, I never get voicemails I think this might be important.” Colin then entered his password and got the voicemails to play consecutively.
A gruff, distorted voice spoke: “Hello, Cah- ahem- Colin. I suppose you’re devastated by the death of your dear friend Austin. Heh heh heh. I also suppose you are wondering what happened at your party on Saturday. Welllllllll, I am SassyAngel92@yahoo and I have planted an esplosive device inside you and each of your friends who was at your party. And now here’s the-” *Click*
The same voice spoke again in the second voicemail: “Sorry about that, my stupid phone just turned off for no reason. Anyway-” *Click*
The same voice spoke again but started off as a whisper this time: “Ugh Kary Wary help me with my wittle phoney woney. Oh wait it’s back on. Ahem- now I will give you the details of my evil scheme. Colin, you must do the tasks I ask of you or else each of your friends will esplode one by one. And don’t even think about telling the police because I am watching you and will kill you and all your friends. For your first task you must umm clean up your house really nice and spotless. Especially your parents’ room. You have until midnight tonight or else Steve Vercollone is esploding tonight. That is all. Love you.” *Click*
The next voicemail had a much different voice: “Uh hey Colin it’s me, Donald Smith. I was wondering if you had any more of that chub rub ointment. My thighs and moobs are burning like a goat roasting over an open fire. So yeah uh just get back to me ASAP ’cause I am in so much pain right now. My poor moobs.” *Click*
The last voicemail was from the deep, distorted voice again: “Hey I didn’t mean to say “I love you” back in the last voicemail. It’s a force of habit and I’m just really embarrassed. Just ignore that, okay? Thanks. Love yo- GOD D*MN IT” *Click*
“So what’s up with you and Donald Smith and chub rub ointment?” asked Peter, immediately after the last voicemail ended.
“This is serious guys we are all in huge danger!” yelled Colin.
The four friends just stood there in silence. They didn’t know what to do or say. Colin decided it was up to him to protect his friends. He bid them goodbye for the day and went home.
Chapter 5: Trial Number 1
When Colin got home, his dad Don was sliding around the kitchen floor totally naked and covered in butter. Colin ignored him and got right to cleaning the whole house. He started in the basement. He mopped and swept and dusted and licked and groped until the basement was spotless. Then he moved up to the first floor. Once again he did his best to clean everything. After a few hours of scrubbing and washing and vacuuming and tickling and jiggling he was content with his cleaning job. But all this hard work and strong chemicals made Colin very sleepy and as he walked upstairs he suddenly got dizzy and passed out.
He woke up at 12:09 A.M. laying on the couch in his living room with Don and Karen. The news was on. “Breaking news,” screamed the weatherman as he ran through the news room. “Sorry about that interruption,” said the anchorwoman as security tackled the half naked weatherman in the background. “But seriously, breaking news! 18 year old Steven Vercollone from Pembroke esploded while engaging in a family prayer around the dinner table. According to sources his body was tossed all around the room completely ruining the food and the entire evening.” Then Don turned the television off and he and Karen giggled as they ran upstairs. Colin dozed back asleep.
Colin decided to skip school the next day and instead tried to figure out what was going on. He had his suspicions, but he wasn’t entirely sure of what they all meant. After a long day of thinking, he heard the school bus arrive and knew that Peter was coming home. He got ready and headed over to Peter’s house where Peter and his dad were playing basketball in his driveway.
“Now, son”, coached Peter’s dad. “When you play basketball you gotta be real intense. When I’m on defense I like to get real mad and show off a scary and intimidating face to strike fear into the heart of the guy I’m defending. I call it my D-face.”
Peter tried best his best to look intimidating with his two lazy eyes and three front teeth.
“Umm that’s a good start. Now I’m gonna have Colin cover you and you’re gonna give him that same look but since you’re on offense I call it your O-face. Now show him your O-face, boy.”
“As if I haven’t seen it before,” thought Colin as Peter’s face contorted and jerked. “But actually, Peter, I need to talk to you about something. Can we go into the house?”
Peter and Colin left Peter’s dad to do suicides by himself and went into the bathroom (their secret conference room). Colin popped a squat on the toilet while Peter climbed into the dryer. They discussed their thoughts on the murders and who they thought the culprit was. After heavy deliberating and a few kisses they decided the murderers must be Drew and Anthony.
“Those two always seem to be up to something,” said Peter. “I knew they were always jealous of everyone else’s accomplishments and would violently explode anyone who was different than them.”
Colin knew that he was right. He promptly shut the dryer and put Peter on for a half hour and went back to his house to give his brain a rest. He was welcomed home by his father.
“Welcome home, dear,” Don whispered. “Have you come to watch me feed?”
Don then lunged behind the couch and caught what looked like a cat-sized slug. With one disgusting gulp he forced the slimy creature down his gullet and into his robust tummy.
“Ew, dad, I told you not to do that in front of me.”
“You shouldn’t be embarrassed of your own father,” Don choked. “I just have different habits than the rest of society. Now, come play your old Don in a nice game of chess.”
Colin, however, didn’t realize that this was not normal chess. As soon as he sat at the table he realized that all but one piece- a single pawn- was white. Don had painted every black piece but one white and put them on his side of the board.
“Now you must beat me in a single game of chess before you can go to bed,” Don explained.
Colin knew this would be difficult but he never dared disobey his father. So he decided to do his best. He thought long and hard about each move, thinking several moves in advance and going through all his options, but Don was just too good. He had a move for every one of Colin’s. Colin would move his pawn up one space and Don would have an answer. Colin would move his pawn up two spaces and Don would still have an answer. Colin felt like he was playing against Deep Blue. He had never before seen such finesse and brilliance in chess playing. By the fifty-second game, Colin begged for the sweet release of sleep.
“Cahlin, you can’t just give up like that. How did I raise such a loser for a son?”
“But, Pa, you’re just too good. I cannot do it anymore.” Colin broke down in tears and collapsed to the floor.
“You pathetic scum,” Don said as he kicked Colin in his soft tummy and spat on him. “You can go to sleep, but don’t expect me to ever play with you again. At least not in the way you like it.”
Colin crawled upstairs and climbed into bed. Before crying himself to sleep he checked the news. LOCAL BOYS DREW LATWAS AND ANTHONY MCLAUGHLIN EXPLODED IN BEDROOM. Colin was flabbergasted. How could they have blown up; he was certain that they were the murderers. As he checked the photographs of the destroyed bedroom, he noticed Drew’s severed hand had landed on Anthony’s right butt cheek.
“What is going on?” thought Colin. Being too scared to sleep, he called his friends together to meet him at the tennis courts located behind the high school as soon as possible. Twenty minutes later Colin, Peter, Tim, Amaan, Danny, and Matt were all talking in the service box of the first court.
“I don’t think I can handle this anymore,” Amaan screamed. “We are all gonna die! We need to figure out who is doing this to us.”
“I haven’t been able to sleep in the past three days,” said Danny with a mouth and fistful of peanut butter.
“I feel like it must be someone with access to your house,” said Tim, logically. “How else would they have been able to do whatever they did to us at your party.”
“How do you know something happened to us at the party?” questioned Matt. “Did you do something to us?”
“No, I just figured that since we can’t remember anything from that night and we are all dying it seems logical.”
Matt lunged at Tim with a bloodthirsty look in his eyes. He tackled him to the ground and bit off a chunk of flesh from Tim’s thigh. Peter and Danny had to rip Matt off Tim and slap him to his senses.
“What the f*cking sh*t just came over you??” screamed Colin. “We have to stick together, don’t you see? That’s the only way we can figure this out.”
“Jeez sorry guys I didn’t mean to offend you libtard snowflakes,” Matt said, aggressively shaking Peter and Danny off him.
Just then they noticed a portly man standing at the far court practicing his serve. He tossed the tennis ball way up high and hip-thrusted three times before firing a slow lob into the opposite service box.
“Who on earth would be playing tennis at this hour?” said Colin. Just then the man turned in their direction. He pulled a small remote out of his pants and brought his pudgy index finger onto a large red button. Suddenly, Amaan’s head burst and painted the boys’ faces with blood, skull, and brains.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” they all screamed unison. “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.”
Colin, Peter, Danny, Tim, and Matt ran around screaming in horror at what they had just witnessed. Then Danny came to his senses. He turned to see the man running out of the fenced area which enclosed the tennis courts. Although he waddled as fast as he could, he was too late, the man had hopped onto a ride-on lawn mower and zoomed his way into the distance. Danny waddled back to his friends and collapsed in exhaustion.
“Guys- we- have- to- follow- him,” Danny gasped between breaths.
“It’s no use, man, we can’t do anything about this. He has a f*cking remote and he can blow up all of our heads. We’re gonna die,” cried Colin.
The friends all hugged each other as they cried. Except Matt who was too alpha to cry or hug another man. After twenty minutes of crying they decided to go home. They dragged Amaan’s headless body to the fence and sat him up. Tim found a tennis ball and drew a smiley face on it before putting it on Amaan’s shoulders. Tim sang the oldest hymn in the book and, when it was finished, the boys went home. Since Peter and Colin were neighbors they walked home through a well-known path in the woods.
“I can’t believe we’re gonna die,” Peter said. “We’re too young. I haven’t even left the country. I haven’t seen a Broadway play or gone skydiving. I haven’t even taken that guy in the white van up on his offer to take me to his Everland Ranch.”
“No, Pete, we’re not gonna die,” said Colin, defiantly. “I know who the murderer is. I think I’ve truly known all along and just have been denying it. I am gonna come up with a plan and by tomorrow everything will be over.”
Peter wasn’t paying attention and awkwardly smiled and shook his head as they continued on their way home. When they reached Colin’s hose Colin bid Peter farewell. Colin took a sip from the hose and then walked to his house. He didn’t want his parents to know he was out so late so he climbed up a ladder that was leading up to his opened window. Colin did not think twice about this ladder or the fact his window was open and just crawled up anyway. He laid in bed and decided it was time to come up with a plan. He thought and thought. Then he thought some more. His brain started to hurt from how much he was thinking. After several long seconds of thinking Colin fell asleep.
Chapter 6: The Plan
Colin woke up and looked around. It was like a Wednesday or something but he did not feel like going to school. Instead he climbed out his window and down the ladder. When he got to the bottom of the ladder he decided to call Peter and tell him his plan for stopping the evil person responsible for killing all his friends. Peter answered and they had a lengthy conversation about not calling Peter when he is at school. After being scolded, Colin was feeling very down about himself but he could not let his sorrow affect what he must do. He knew who the murderer was and he knew how to stop him. Colin texted Danny, Peter, and Tim and told them to meet him at the church after school for a quick prayer session. He actually just wanted to tell them his plan and he knew they would not refuse a group trip to the church. At 2:30 the friends were all there in front of the church doors. A sign on the door read “Little boys eat and drink the body and blood of Jesus Christ free on Saturdays!”.
“Hmph I wish they had these awesome promotions when I was a little kid”, Peter said.
“Hey, everyone, I just want you to know that I don’t actually want to pray with you today. I have something very important to tell you about the murderer!” Colin interrupted, rudely.
“Hold up, guys look at this,” Tim interrupted, even more rudely than Colin. “‘Local boy found dead in his room. 19 year old Matthew Campbell appeared to be masturbating to an alt-right 4Chan meme when his skull exploded leaving a gruesome- but admittedly erotic- scene.’ This is crazy guys I can’t believe Matt is dead. He was my favorite man who went his own way.”
“Well this is kinda awkward, guys,” Colin said sheepishly. “I thought Matt was the murderer from how crazy he’d been acting lately and I had this whole plan to make fun of him in front of the tennis coach until he got so upset that he would just give up on killing us, but I guess he was clearly not the murderer. My bad!”
“You’re an idiot, Colin,” said Danny. “Let me talk to you in private. I have a theory I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
Danny took Colin about ten feet away to talk to him. Meanwhile, Tim and Peter ogled at Jesus’ abs on the crucifix above the door.
“You’re gonna wanna sit down for this,” began Danny as he pushed Colin to the ground. “I’ve thought about everything that happened- from the phone call to the tennis court incident- and I think that the real murderer is actually your dad Don.”
“HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE MY FATHER, THE MAN WHO RAISED ME, OF BEING A SICK TWISTED MURDERER!” laughed Colin. “I HATE YOU DANNY AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!”
“I know you’re upset, but I think you really need to think about this. Who would have access to your house? Who says they love you when they end phone calls with you? Who loves riding around on lawn mowers? Who might have wanted to spice up his regular old vanilla life with a little playful fun? All signs point to big daddy Don.”
“Oh my God you’re right,” Colin said, dejectedly. “I can’t believe my own father would do this to me. I always knew he was upset every time I didn’t join him in a game of Wii bowling or Twister. He would always say to me, ‘I know you don’t think you’ll ever play with your old man, but believe me Cahlin, you will feel the wrath of my playtime one day.’ This must be Don’s playtime.”
“And we’re Don’s playthings,” concluded Danny.
Danny called Peter and Tim over and together the four of them came up with a plan. Tim, being most arrogant of the friends, decided to lead the group discussion. They deliberated for hours on the fine details of the plan. Colin wanted to do all the cool stuff because it was his dad that was the murderer. Peter felt he should be able to do some of the cool stuff because he lives next to the murderer. Danny just wanted to make sure nobody screwed anything up. And Tim was too afraid to go near Don so he left all the cool stuff to everyone else. When the complex plan had been finalized, Tim decided to do a quick recap to make sure everyone was on the same page:
“Okay, so tonight Colin will sneak into his parents’ room when they are asleep and steal the remote that controls the explosives in our heads. Then, when he has the remote he will meet us outside and we’ll call the police. Does everyone got that?”
Everyone nodded their heads in agreement. Colin knew he had the most important part of the plan and had to execute it perfectly if he and his friends were going to survive. To ease everyone’s minds, Colin offered to take everyone to Friendly’s for dinner before they prepared for tonight. Colin drove them to the nearest Friendly’s where they saw their friend Hayley working.
“Hey, losers, are you here to eat our crappy food?” said Hayley.
“Oh, Hayley, you’re such a jokester,” Colin replied. “And yes, we’re here to dine at this fabulous restaurant. Table for four please!”
“Okay, you f*cking idiots, have a good time getting food poisoning,” said Hayley as she led the friends to a dilapidated booth in the corner of the restaurant.
The boys sat down in the old dusty booth and disappointedly looked around at all the other empty seats in the restaurant. Then they looked at the menus. After a few minutes Hayley came back to take their orders.
“What do you guys want?” she asked. “And make it quick I’m really busy today.”
Peter ordered chicken fingers and fries, Tim ordered mini mozzarella sticks, Colin ordered four Shirley Temples, and Danny ordered ten raw beef patties with a side of mustard for dipping. Hayley left to put in their orders and a smile crept onto Peter’s face.
“Guess what I snagged from our waitress,” said Peter.
Nobody guessed. After a few seconds of silence Peter pulled up a packet of four crayons. He then grabbed some napkins from the table and started to doodle on them. Then Colin grabbed the crayons and napkins from him and started furiously scribbling.
“Hey, what’d you do that for?” asked Peter.
“I’m trying to figure out how I’m gonna get into my parents’ room. Here’s the layout of my upstairs. If Don and Karen go to sleep at about 9:30, I’ll have about one hour to get in and out of there before Don takes his nightly dump. And then I have to find the remote which I have no idea where it will be.”
The friends discussed where Don could possibly keep the remote so Colin had some places to check out when he got in there. They figured the top three most likely places were in Don’s sock drawer, underneath his pillow, or behind the signed poster of Don’s father. Hayley came with their food and did not even care that they saw her hocking loogies on their plates as she came towards them. Danny looked at his raw patties like how a starving dog looks at another dog. He began furiously dipping the bloody slabs of meat in the mustard and devouring them ferociously.
“Man, that hit the spot,” he said after finishing his ten patties before the others even had a bite of their own food.
Colin became violently ill witnessing that disgusting display and had vicious diarrhea in Tim’s pants.
“Aw c’mon these are new pants!” Tim said like a silly boy. He grabbed Colin by the hair and began rubbing his face into Peter’s face until Colin cried uncle. While this was going on Hayley left the check on the table along with some unwrapped after-dinner mints. Colin generously paid for his friends and left his phone number instead of a tip in hopes for a few dates after this whole murderous dad thing blew over. Hayley did not appreciate this and threw eggs at Colin’s car as they drove away. They decided to stay at Peter’s house for the night and at 8 o’clock Colin went back to his house to prepare for his plan. The friends embraced in a long hug as they wished Colin good luck.
“Our lives are in your hands,” Peter said.
“I won’t let you down,” spoke Colin before tripping down Peter’s walkway.
Chapter 7: The Execution (of the plan or of Colin? You’ll just have to read the chapter to find out)
Colin opened his front door. His house was dark. It almost seemed empty, but he knew his parents were upstairs getting ready for bed. He crawled up the stairs and slithered into his bedroom. He knew in order to get into his parents’ bedroom he would have to climb out onto the roof and go in through their window. He took a look out the window. It was pretty steep. Colin had never felt more nervous in his life, except maybe that time he had to perform his one man production of “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” in front of his whole church. Colin put on his headphones and listened to his favorite song, “I’m Still a Guy” by Brad Paisley, to pump him up. After listening to it seven times in a row it was 9:15. Colin crawled out of his window like a cat. His stomach churned with anxiety with each step he took towards his parents’ window. Finally, he made it to his destination. When he peeped his head in to make sure his parents were asleep, he saw Karen suckling at Don’s teat as they both lay in deep slumber. This was Colin’s chance to save his friends and himself.
Colin crept through the bedroom on his hands and knees and felt around for the remote. He found some alt-right furry costumes, Don’s dirty underwear, and some candy wrappers, but no remote. Then he came across a photo from three years ago that he had not seen since it was taken. It brought a single tear to his eye. In the picture, Colin, Don, and Karen playfully splash each other in the bathtub. “What happened?” thought Colin. “We used to be such a happy family.” He then tossed aside the photo and got back down to business. He looked in Don’s sock drawer but it wasn’t in there. He looked under Don’s pillow but alas no luck. His final hope was behind the signed poster of his paternal grandfather, giving a wink to the camera. He peeled back the paper which revealed a little nook carved out of the wall. In the nook was a box labeled “Special remote. Do not steal!” This was it! Colin could steal the remote and his friends would be safe from his father’s wrath! But as he opened the box, he noticed it was empty.
“Looking for something, Cahlin?” came a voice all too familiar to Colin.
He turned around to see Don standing up on the bed with his bathrobe untied holding the remote that should have been in the box. Colin froze. He had been caught and now he and his friends would die.
“It’s playtime, b*tch,” said Karen as she jumped in front of Colin and stabbed him with a syringe. Colin fell to the floor and saw his parents embrace before he blacked out.
“Where am I?” thought Colin. He was lying on his side in a dark place and could see his parents setting out a large mat by candlelight. “What are they doing?” Colin then noticed his arms, legs, and ears were tied together so he could not escape, if he even had the physical energy to try. Karen turned the lights on and pulled Colin over to the mat. “Oh no they’re gonna kill me and use the mat to keep the floor clean.”
“Cahlin,” spoke Don. “I have a proposition for you. I will give you this remote and tell you how to deactivate the bombs inside you and your friends heads under one condition.”
“I don’t negotiate with terrorists, you god d*mn monster!” screeched Colin.
“Fine, I’ll just blow you and your friends up right now then,” said Don as his finger approached a button on the remote labeled “esplode all”.
“No, wait! What do you want me to do, you sick pervert.”
“Now that’s better, Cahlin. You must beat me in one single game of Twister. If you do that you and your friends will be spared and I will turn myself in and Karen will escape to Argentina under the pseudonym Karen Kong where she will sell erotic candles. So, do we have a deal?”
Colin knew he could never beat his father in Twister but he knew he had to if he was going to save his friends. He thought about all the great times he had with his friends in the past. His slumber parties and Webkinz fights with Peter, his dance-offs with Tim, and his boring conversations with Danny. He knew he could do it for them. With his eyes full of tears he accepted the challenge.
“Excellent!” cried Don. He grabbed a spinner from a nearby desk and flipped the mat over to reveal 6 rows of 4 colored circles. Karen began stretching out Don’s groin so he would be nice and limber for the game. Colin also did some stretching because he knew it is the most important way to warm up for a game of Twister. After a few minutes of stretching, Don came over to Colin and told him the ground rules for their game.
“Oldest will go first,” he began. “You will spin the spinner and place the appropriate appendage on the appropriate colored circle. The first person to let anything but a hand or foot touch the mat loses and gets spanked by the winner along with the other aforementioned stipulations. Any questions?”
“Yeah I got one,” said Colin, his eyes narrow and his teeth bared. “How much are you gonna cry when I kick your god d*mn motherf*cking *ss?”
Don gave Colin a swift backhand and Colin’s mouth began to bleed.
“Don’t you ever speak to me like that again, you dirty little boy,” yelled Don.
Colin began laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor. He laughed and laughed until his belly was all out of laughter and all that was left was a stream of warm salty tears. Finally, he came to his senses and stood up, ready to play.
Chapter 8: Twistin’ the Night Away
Don spun the spinner. Right hand on blue. He flopped his meaty hand onto a blue circle and grinned at Colin. Right hand on blue was his specialty. He could put his right hand on a blue circle in his sleep. In fact, he did so all the time; his sheets were actually a Twister mat. Now it was Colin’s turn. He nervously gave the arrow a flick. Left foot on green. Easy peasy, he thought as he planted his bare foot on a green circle near the center. Don was up again: right foot on green. Then Colin: left hand on yellow. Back and forth they went, Karen’s eyes following along the motion of their bodies. Several times Colin felt he was going to lose his balance, but he persevered because of his love for his friends. Don made it looks easy. His balance and agility was unlike anything Colin had ever witnessed before. An hour had passed since they started and the Twister mat was wet with Colin’s sweat and tears and Don’s urine. All the bodily fluids made it much harder for them to maintain their balance, but you wouldn’t be able to tell from their performance.
“Just give up, Cahlin, you’ll never beat your old man,” bragged Don.
“I will never ever surrender to what is right,” exclaimed Colin defiantly. “You’re gonna mess up right here I can tell. I can see it in the way your belly is jiggling. You’ve been stretching yourself too thin.”
Don scoffed at this outrageous statement. Colin even knew it was untrue, but he was hoping to get in Don’s head and maybe force a mistake. Don spun the arrow: Right hand on blue. Sh*t, thought Colin. He knew Don would never mess up on this simple task, and Colin did not think he could make it past his next turn. But Don got cocky. Instead of reaching for the blue circle that was right next to his right hand, he decided to get fancy. He began reaching underneath his own back and towards a blue circle that was down near his right foot. Colin couldn’t believe what he was watching. Don was completely bent the opposite way a normal body is supposed to bend and was almost at the blue circle. Colin felt he was going to collapse from exhaustion and shame from watching his father pull off such a stunt. But just before Colin collapsed and Don reached the circle with his hand, a loud CRACK exploded in Colin’s ear. Don’s spine had completely snapped in half and his body lay lifeless on the Twister mat.
Colin froze in silence for a second. Then, realizing that his father had died and he had won the Twister game, he got to his feet and jumped for joy.
“YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!” he gushed. “I won! I am the Twister champion! Suck it, Don! Suck it, Karen!”
Karen put her head down in shame. Her beloved husband had embarrassed their family by dying in their favorite game. She handed Colin the remote and Colin took the batteries out and destroyed it to make sure he and his friends would never die from explosions in their heads. he tussled Karen’s hair and skipped up the stairs up his stairs to tell his friends the great news.
“Good luck with your erotic candle business, Karen Kong!” he chided as he left his mom for the last time.
“Goodbye, son. I am proud to have raised such a competent Twister player,” Karen sobbed under her breath.
Colin raced to Peter’s house where he embraced his friends in a long hug. He told them about the crazy series of events and how he bested his father at his own game. They all cheered and decided to celebrate by smoking Peter’s mom’s pipe. They each took tokes and passed it to one another. Then, an old wise looking man with a long white beard came into the room and spoke to Colin.
“You are a very fine person, Mr. Conkey, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little Johnston in a wide world after all!”
“Thank goodness!’ said Colin, laughing, and handed him the tobacco jar.
The End
Short Stories
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