For Buffalo, it was a warm October
He picked me up in his red sedan, which i asked of him because I thought he was cute
He told me I looked good, and together we drove to the Halloween party for the cast of our high school Alice and wonderland production
We sneaked away for midnight bowling
I touched his hair, and he kissed me
Every rehearsal after that he ignored me
Told me he wanted our relationship to be secret with my virginity in his pocket
Told me it was risky to talk to my own friends, because he just knew they would reject me
It was then that I should have left.
We sat in the cold basement of his house with his mother upstairs
With his taste still in my mouth, he told me of his beach house in Canada
Of the jet skis and the waterfront
The peace bridge and the pretty girls
He told me he was nervous
Because his friends might tease him for being with a girl like me, not hot enough
I threw myself out of his arms
We fought until the sun went down,
His mother yelling “it’s time to take her home” three times before we could get the last word
It was then I should have left.
He told me I had extra weight on me
Connected his fingers to the constellations of acne on my face
Called me thick instead of beautiful
Face in a cell phone, looked up only to interrupt me
And when I could not change him, I should have left.
If I could have given myself a pep talk before the rape
I would have said
You will regret it if you do not fight back
Throw him off you, and never look back
You are not just claiming your rights in this moment
If you do not fight back, saying no will become as hard to say as it was for him to hear
You will forget that no is not just a floating dust speck
You will forget that it has gravity
You will look back and think if I had just fought for myself, I know I would have won
It was then that I should have left.
Months after I spent staring at his ceiling fan while he had his way
Telling him I don’t want this, but I am worthless and my body is all I can give you, please take it
I thought this would make him love me
I thought this would make me worth something
It was a rainy October
I left him in his red sedan, parked in the street in front of my house
He bargained with me to stay, told me he would change
I remember hearing him weep from the end of my driveway
I knew it was then that I should have left
So I did not look back
Poetry