(This is a love story, with adult moments, so if you are not 18+, please do not read)
A love story of two teen girls — Kimi and Kamari. 16 year old Kimi is a shy Japanese American girl, who loves to read, make jewelry, and fold origami. Kamari is an observant 16 year old Indian girl who likes to do art, write, and text people for hours at 2 am, (and she occasionally stalks people). Kamari starts to realize her growing feelings for Kimi, and wonders if Kimi likes her back, since Kamari is pretty sure Kimi likes a boy named Oliver.
Chapter 1: Kamari
I watch Kimi through the corner of my eye. I tilt my head to get a better look. She sits and makes crisp folds and she turns a lemon post-it into a crane, with no wrinkles or lopsided parts like mine. Her eyelashes are long. She has rosy cheeks and a round, cute face, with pink lips. My gaze wanders down her body, until I am looking at her thighs. Her thighs are thin, and she bounces her left leg up and down. Her hair is in a medium length pony-tail, which starts off black and slowly fades to a hazel. I blush suddenly. Stop thinking about her! I scold myself. I know she probably likes Oliver. He’s nice, (and cute), but I kinda wish he didn’t exist. She’s really shy, and her nose is usually buried in a book. She gets up from her seat and gives me an origami crane, folded out of a post-it. She smiles cutely at me, with her green and silver braces glinting in the warm sunlight from the window by my desk.
“Here,” she says softly. Her hands are warm, and they brush against mine, making my cheeks redden. She leaves, and I know that she thinks we are just friends.
Chapter 2: Texting
I roll over onto my side. It is currently 2 am. I continue typing into my phone, asking Kimi random questions. We text for hours, until it is 6 am, and I need to get ready for school. I keep thinking of what she said at exactly 4:37 am, when I said she was really pretty, and she said that I looked pretty too, since my skin was a cinnamon color, my long, black hair was silky and wavy, and that she wishes she had an ‘anime shaped’ face, like mine. I blush time I remember that she said my
Chapter 3:
Realistic Fiction
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Hi Yuna, I think this is a nice start. I’m already intrigued with your characters. You do great with a lot of content in few words. I think I would prefer the story if I hadn’t read your summary first. That is, I think I would have found the sentence of folding the lemon post-it more interesting if I hadn’t already read that the story includes origami. That is, your sentence structure did a great job in capturing the feeling and making it clear who’s doing what. Personally, I find it difficult to mix in description while keeping the story moving and interesting. You did this well, with Kami’s features then suddenly embarrassing yourself. I’m not sure what “medium” means with “medium ponytail”, but I can use my own imagination on that.
I was surprised by “She gets up from her seat and gives me an origami crane”. So, who is she to you, what’s your relationship so far? However, this might serve as a great introduction, you’ve already got me hooked, and likely you’ll fill in those details later.
I really got a kick out of, “and they brush against mine”. Such few words and my first concept of love comes running back to me (I’m 59).
I don’t think you need to note “post-it” the second time, just leave it as, “… gives me an origami crane”.
As I noted, you do so much with few words, so I think you should keep to that theme, “We text for hours, until it is 6 am” is a bit redundant, maybe “we text until 6:00 am” or to bring in some more feeling, “it’s suddenly 6 am” or “while texting, before I knew it, it was 6:00 am” — I can’t get it right either, but I’m sure you can figure it out.
I love the bit about 4:37. I’m reminded of times I liked a particular post and scrolling back to a certain time to read it again (and a again).
Very well done, where/when do I see more?