Wow. This was actually very heart-breaking to read. Typically, I am not the biggest fan of integrating informal text-speak into written work – “idk” or “u” – (because I am just anal like that) but in this particular piece, I believe that it adds to the drama and angst and sadness of the situation. Quite literally, I could envision a woman just banging away at her keyboard, tears streaming down her face, unleashing the emotions that have been smothering her for 10 months straight, now not giving a damn about proper grammar or vocabulary or spelling. Instead, she just wants to pour it out and put it out there – a muddle of miserable feelings finally torn from her chest and plastered onto a document, visual instead of all mental.
I also love the inkling of ambiguity that you weaved into the narrative: “I wish it was his. With all my heart. God can’t u please make this miracle?” Based on the context clues, the reader is compelled to think that the girl, in this weakened state, submitted herself to another man and now she is left to raise a baby single-handedly. Yet, at the sane time, the remark is so quick and so random, and she moves past it to go right back to yearning for this former lover that the audience also ponders whether or not they interpreted the sentences correctly. In other terms, not only does this leave the reader even more curious, but it is also makes the reader sympathize with her further.
My one bit of advice for you is to proofread this work one or two times more. I came across several errors while reading, and it temporarily distracted me from the passion of the moment – an effect I am sure that you would like to avoid. Some of the mistakes that I feel are important to point out are:
1) Sentence 2 – “didnt” should be revised to “didn’t”
2) Sentence 2 – “eachother” are individual words and so they should be divided like so: “each other”
Nonetheless, as a whole, this piece definitely makes one reflect on the consequences of love and vulnerability, making it haunting. Very, very well done.
Thank you. Your comment describes this moment so perfectly. I was a mess that night.
Wow. This was actually very heart-breaking to read. Typically, I am not the biggest fan of integrating informal text-speak into written work – “idk” or “u” – (because I am just anal like that) but in this particular piece, I believe that it adds to the drama and angst and sadness of the situation. Quite literally, I could envision a woman just banging away at her keyboard, tears streaming down her face, unleashing the emotions that have been smothering her for 10 months straight, now not giving a damn about proper grammar or vocabulary or spelling. Instead, she just wants to pour it out and put it out there – a muddle of miserable feelings finally torn from her chest and plastered onto a document, visual instead of all mental.
I also love the inkling of ambiguity that you weaved into the narrative: “I wish it was his. With all my heart. God can’t u please make this miracle?” Based on the context clues, the reader is compelled to think that the girl, in this weakened state, submitted herself to another man and now she is left to raise a baby single-handedly. Yet, at the sane time, the remark is so quick and so random, and she moves past it to go right back to yearning for this former lover that the audience also ponders whether or not they interpreted the sentences correctly. In other terms, not only does this leave the reader even more curious, but it is also makes the reader sympathize with her further.
My one bit of advice for you is to proofread this work one or two times more. I came across several errors while reading, and it temporarily distracted me from the passion of the moment – an effect I am sure that you would like to avoid. Some of the mistakes that I feel are important to point out are:
1) Sentence 2 – “didnt” should be revised to “didn’t”
2) Sentence 2 – “eachother” are individual words and so they should be divided like so: “each other”
Nonetheless, as a whole, this piece definitely makes one reflect on the consequences of love and vulnerability, making it haunting. Very, very well done.
Thank you. Your comment describes this moment so perfectly. I was a mess that night.